Undead

PTSD. (306)

I was too tired to say anything last night. Part of my meltdown yesterday was putting two and two together. I open the door to find Carl now sprawled across the bed. I sit down on the rocking chair and wait for him to wake.

I sit and admire Kara instead.
She really is the prettiest baby I've ever seen.
Her eyes focus on my face and I smile.
"Hey." I can't help the smile that follows after her baby noises.
She kicks her tiny feet out and grabs a fist full of my shirt.

Her tiny delicate hands squeeze as tight as they can, making a tiny dimple in the corner of her hand. She's so precious, I pull her close and cradle her, taking in the soft baby smell. I barely remember it from when Abbie was a baby. Her brown, wandering eyes take in my features. Just knowing she wants me there makes me feel warm and calm. This kinda love scares me. It's the kinda love you just can't come back from.

I sit there for a while until finally I get bored waiting.
"Carl." I call.
"Mhmm." He mumbles.
"Carl!" I call a little louder.
He groans again.
"CARL!"
"What!" He moans.
I sigh and grab one of his shoes off the floor beside me. I throw it and it just misses his head, hitting the headboard with a loud smack which even makes Kara and Fangs jump.

Carl shoots up in the bed.
"Jesus, Mads!"
"Oh good, you're awake." I mock.
He squints his eye.
"What's going on ?"
I shrug. "Nothing, we just need to talk."
"When have 'nothing' and 'we need to talk' ever been put into a sentence like that ?"
"Just now. Come on, let's go!!" I groan.
"Go? Where ?"
"This isn't twenty questions. Come on, hurry or I'm leaving without you."
He sighs and drags himself out of bed.
"Can I have breakfast first ?"
My jaw sets and he raises raises his hands.
"Okay, no breakfast."

I stand up and walk to the door.
"No, you need to eat. I'll be in the sitting room waiting awkwardly with Jenna."
"Jenna? Why would it be awkward with Jenna?" He asks confused as he ties his shoe laces.
"I don't know, you tell me." I test him.
He freezes but quickly composes himself.
"You know?"
"Know what?"
He scratches the back of his neck before rubbing his hands in his face and groaning.
"Are you playing games with me?"
I chuckle once. "I'm not the one playing games."
"So, you do know."
"Do I?"
He sighs.

"I was gonna tell you, but honestly I don't even know how to tell Jenna to lay off. I wanted to set things straight with her before I told you but I..."
I take a deep breath. I wasn't really angry at him just a little disappointed.
"Why?"
He shrugs. "I thought it would help. Help me. It was selfish and I shouldn't have treated her the way I did. Truth is... I think she really likes me and I can't find the words to tell her I don't feel the same."

It's silent for a few second and I stare down at Kara as I sort out my thoughts. I feel his gaze on me.
"Do you hate me?"
"Hate you? No, I could never hate you Carl...You thought I was dead. I understand, you were moving on."
He shakes his head. "No, I was distracting myself from you, from the pain."

I feel a lump in my throat and I find it hand to breathe.
"I'm sorry." He pleads.
"It's not really me that you need to apologize to."
He nods.
I grab my bow and arrows off the counter.
"See you downstairs."

Fangs sprints down the stairs ahead of me while I compose myself.
I hold on tightly to Kara as I walk down the stairs. I take a deep breath and remind myself to stay calm as I walk back into the sitting room and pass Jenna to sit on the couch.

She stops her vicious act of sharpening her knives with an unnecessary force and snaps her head towards me in surprise. Her blonde curls bounce as her head moves. Her hair has grown out, it isn't as short as it used to be.
"I overreacted." I shrug.
Her face twists with emotion but shock beats all.
"Are you... trying to apologize? Madison Smith... apologizing ?"
"If you don't shut up all you're gonna get is a smack to the face."
Needless to say, she shuts up.

I remain silent as I listen to Carl walk downstairs and pass us into the kitchen for breakfast.

"I'm sorry that I threatened to stab you and I'm sorry that I was a bitch to you but you hurt me too and what you done was wrong." I whisper.
"I know." She murmurs.
"You weren't even planning on telling me, you were just gonna keep sneaking around behind my back, making me look like a fool."
"Mads I-"
"It's done. We can't change what happened we can just ... move on."
"Do you forgive me?"
I wait a second before nodding slowly.
"Yeah but you and Carl have to pull your shit together."
"We will."

I feel almost guilty knowing that Carl was planning on breaking things off with her.
I speak up out of guilt, something I'm not sure I should say is suddenly blurted out.
"Just so you know, I wasn't mad that you were together, just that you didn't tell me you were. I wasn't being a bitch to break you up so I could have him, quite frankly there's so much going on in my head, let alone having to baby now and an ongoing war... I have my hands full, my head is full. I don't know what more I can take on."

Jenna looks at me funny. "What are you trying to say? You don't want Carl?"
"No, I mean, I'll always want Carl, I love him, but I feel terrible for not giving him the attention he deserves. He constantly worries about me, tip toes around me. He deserves better than me."
"All he wants is you Madison, even I know that."
I shake my head. "I'm not the same person I was when I left. I'm not sure what else I can give him."
"Woah... I- I don't really know what to say. Have you told him this ?"

I shake my head. "I'm just trying to figure things out step by step. My head is a mess. I'm having major PTSD and I don't know how to handle that. Please don't tell Carl, he doesn't need another thing to add to his list if worries."
She nods.
"Who else have you told this too? It sounds serious." She asks, concerned.
It takes me a few seconds to answer.
"Just you."
"Mads." She almost whines.
"Don't-"
"Yeah, I know, I know. Don't tell anyone." She grumbles in a dull voice.
"But...talk to me. I don't care what time it is. Just tell me what's going on and I can help, or try to help. You-"

Carl walks into the sitting room interrupting our conversation.
"You ready?" He asks.
"Yeah, have you got your gun?"
He side eyes me. "Yeah, whyyy?"
"Because you're gonna need it." I respond.

I smile appreciatively to Jenna who throws a wink in my direction and motions a lips are sealed hand gesture when Carl wasn't looking. She even threw away the key.

"Hey want me to take care of Kara?" Jenna asks.
"Uh..." I look down at her. I don't want to leave her, in fact I almost change my mind but I really want to show Carl something.
"Thank you." I pass her over into Jenna's arms and take a deep breath. She's safe with Jenna.
"Relax, Madison. I've taken care of her before."
I nod.
"Let's go." I turn to Carl and grip my bow.

Fangs rushes to the door and leaps outside once I open the door. He seems excited as if he knows we're up to something.
"Let's go boy." I pat his head and he skips ahead of us.
"We're leaving?"
I nod.
"I want to show you something. You've been begging for some answers so I'm going to answer some."