The Angel And The Hunter |Destiel OneShots

What's Your Issue?

I pushed the demon down the stairs as I withdrew the knife from its corpse. It fell and landed on the cement like a rag doll, right at the feet of a man. I looked down at him from the top of the stairs, and it felt like pure poison ran through my veins. The man wore grey dress pants and an (ugly) sweater with a tee-shirt underneath, but most importantly, he was wearing my best friends face. 

The man, no you, Castiel, staring up at me with your giant blue eyes, perplexed as to why I was there. Your eyes, they seemed different than before. They seemed to have lost all the weight they always carried. They seemed to have forgotten all the pain, all the regret, all the problems of the universe. And by the way you looked at me, seemed to have forgotten about us too. 

We went inside, you immediately ran and unbound the girl. No, that wasn't some random girl, that was your wife, a word that stung so much more than it should have. You asked if she was okay, held her in your arms. I only stood there, it was the only thing I could do, I was still in shock after all. I thought you were dead, in a million pieces at the bottom of that reservoir, not here, living some apple pie life in Colorado. 

"I'm Emmanuel," You say, reaching out to shake my hand. I grab it, the feeling of pure despair filling every part of my mind. 

"Dean, I'm... Dean," I reply since there is nothing else to really say.

"Thank you for protecting my wife," You say, so sincerely. It's clear she means something to you. That this life means something to you. 

"Your wife. Right," I still can barely get the idea through my head. 

We begin to talk about the demon, how you saw his real face instead of the meatsuit he was wearing. That sold it. I knew you were him, Castiel, I knew deep down you were the Castiel I cared so much about. You still had your mojo, some slight hope in a situation that was rather hopeless.

"What's your issue?" you ask me, ready to help me with whatever the problem that I needed to solve was.

My issue? My issue is that you were gone. My issue is that I thought you weren't coming back. My issue is this house, those clothes, that girl, this entire life that you have built for yourself and the fact that it doesn't include me. My issue is that I missed you and prayed to you every night, even though I knew you weren't listening, that you couldn't possibly be listening. My issue is that I can't even look at you without remembering every goddammed thing I love about you. My issue is that I am stuck here, hopeless because I am so madly in love with you that it hurts, and you don't remember. You call yourself Emmanuel, but I know - I know beyond a damn shadow of a doubt, who you really are. I feel like I can't breathe in this chaos. I can't breathe and my heart is pounding so hard I bet you can hear it from where you are standing. 

But you don't know you're him. You don't. And I'm not going to scare you. You don't remember anything we've been through, all the memories, all the pain. I want to scream I love you, but I can't because now's not the time. But there will never be a time because we are always getting screwed one way or another. There will never be a time to express this to you because either I can't do it or you have to leave again, even though I would give anything to have you stay. 

My issue is that we can't ever have this life, a life surrounded by mundane things, that so many would call boring. Instead, we live something out of nightmares, a vicious cycle of kill or get killed. My issue is that I can't love you, and even if I could, you wouldn't love me back. Sam is half my heart - but you, you're the other half. You have been for a long, long time, so long I forgot when I first fell. I can't live without you, not a mere day. I never, ever - not in all of my pathetic alcohol soaked hazes, dreamed I'd be here now, staring at you. Staring into those fuckin' gorgeous eyes that I still believe can see right down into my soul, and knowing you, they probably can. I never thought I'd see them again. 

My life has become living for you more than living for myself. You keep me going through every shitty thing that comes my way, and I am thankful. They say that you shouldn't live your life for someone else. They say that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. That is utter bullshit. I hate myself, every fiber in my being despises itself for existing. But loving you, that feeling, so powerful, I forgot what hating myself felt like. 

One day I hope that I can love you. That our profound bond can truly be profound. I hope one day we can hold each other, gentle like we were made of glass, and just be. None of this bullshit with demons, ghosts, and angels. The only angel I want in my life is you. I know I try to act tough and unafraid, but I am afraid. I was afraid you were going to leave one day and not come back. And then that happened. You walked right into that lake, and you didn't walk out - at least I didn't know you walked out. You destroyed me completely, and I know you would be sorry if you remembered, and I forgive you. But it hurts and I just want you in my arms. I want so many things. Things that I can never have. And I've learned that life isn't fair, I know that - hell we all know that, but for you to be okay? For you to remember? That would be enough. 

But that's not why I'm here. I have a million issues with this situation. Above all, I want you to be mine. No, I need you to be mine. You are my only salvation in this pitiless world and I can't live with the thought of you forgetting everything that happened. I can live with us being friends, I can live with you being angry at me, I can live with you hating every part of me, but I can't live knowing you have forgotten everything we shared. But I am here because of Sam, not me. 

You once said that I was righteous.

You once said that I was not the empty burnt shell of a man you believed me to be. 

You once said we had a profound bond. 

Do you still believe those things? 

'Cause I'm not the praying type but I really pray you do. I don't know how I'm going to get through this without you. I don't know if I will get through this without you. But Sammy needs me.

I can't breathe. 

My heart is aching, beating so loudly, it is threating to rip out of my chest. 

I can't breathe, but we don't have time for this. 

Fuck- No we don't have time for any of this. 

I can't breathe. 

"My brother"
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Updating to say I posted this on a tumblr blog. It's there with consent. Everything's cool.