Forgiven, But Not Forgotten [A Bensler Fan Fic]

Chapter_27

No matter what Cragen told me, I didn't feel anything more than guilt. I got married yesterday, and when I should be happy I was upset instead. I felt like the guilt was eating me from the inside out, and I knew I was losing one of my best friends because I was trying to keep her safe. Because I was trying to make sure she didn't go home and get killed by her boyfriend. But in the end, that safe place I provided just made Charlie's head a less safe place for him to be in. He was absorbed into his own thoughts and that's what ended it all.

I slept in my car that night, outside of Casey's apartment building. I set an alarm and woke up at 6 when I know she goes out for a run. I only know where her apartment is now because I asked Cragen. I told him I needed to apologize until she got annoyed and forgave me.

I sat up and put my hair back into a ponytail, before getting out of my car and standing against it as the cold seeped through my shirt. I didn't shake, however, but I did a bit when I saw Casey walk out of her building.

"What are you doing here?" She spoke, her voice colder than my car.

"Case, we need to talk. Or at least I need to talk."

"You aren't going to talk to me until you don't feel guilty anymore. This is your fault. Everything is your fault. The fact that Elliot left you, was your fault. What Kathy did to you? All your fault. Just leave before I call Elliot to come and get you or before I call the police." She spat, as tears welled in my eyes.

"I went to Cragen last night. I asked him to arrest me. To punish me for what happened. He wouldn't arrest me. I'm sorry that this all happened, but I was just trying to help you. I was just trying to make sure that you didn't get killed."

"BUT CHARLIE IS DEAD!" 

"I know, and it's my fault. I'm sorry." I whispered, before getting back into my car and driving off as Casey stood at the bottom of her stairs with her hand over her mouth as she sobbed.

<^>

"Morning, Ellie. Did you sleep well, baby girl?" I asked my daughter, as I lifted her out of her crib and held her close. I walked over to the changing table and laid her down on it before grabbing a diaper and the wipes so I could change her.

"I bet that once I get you dressed and downstairs eating breakfast, you'll mess up your whole outfit. It'll be covered in oatmeal and milk." I smiled, as she kicked her legs and yawned. I reached down and caressed her cheek for a long moment before the door opened.

I looked over my shoulder and saw Elliot standing there. He was completely dressed and ready for the day, surprisingly.

"When did you get home?" He asked, and I just shrugged my response. I didn't want to talk to him. I'd rather talk to my baby instead.

"Want me to go and make her breakfast?" He asked, and I nodded. He walked to where I stood and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Are you going to talk to me any time soon?" He asked, and I shook my head.

"Okay, cool. I'll just go downstairs and talk to myself. It'll be a lot of fun." He groaned. He turned and left the room while I kept my eyes glued to Ellie.

<^>

I let Elliot feed our daughter, while I went upstairs and showered. I got dressed before heading downstairs again. Elliot was sitting on the couch with Ellie. She was laying with her head on his chest as she sucked on her thumb, and Elliot watched coverage of some bad thing that happened on the other side of the world.

"What are you doing?" I asked, and he sighed.

"I'm spending time with my baby."

"She should be playing."

"Well, she wants to be cuddling with me. Her favorite parent." He replied slowly. I sighed as I leaned against the wall.

"I saw Casey this morning."

"Liv-" 

"She said that everything that has ever happened to me is my fault. How Kathy wrote on my car that I'm a whore and a slut was completely my fault. Why you left is my fault."

"Well..." Elliot trailed off slowly.

"Yeah, I'm a slut. I slept with you while you were still married to Kathy. That was my fault, but I knew that I wanted to be with you. I knew that you wanted to be with me. I would never take back what we did because it made me a mother. And why you left... was that really my fault or was it because Jenna was killed?" I asked, and Elliot just looked down at our daughter for a long moment.

"We weren't even together when it happened. So yeah, I guess it was a reason why I left."

"So because I broke up with you so I didn't lose my family, you left..." I trailed off. I was starting to feel like everything was falling apart. 

"Are you going to leave us again? Because I went through a pregnancy, almost losing Ellie, and her first month of being alive by myself, and I can't do it anymore."

"I'm not leaving you guys again, I promise."

"Sure." I sighed, before heading into the kitchen to clean up after Elliot made a mess while feeding Ellie.

"Geez, Liv. I'm not leaving you. I love you and Ellie more than anything else in this world. I'm sorry that I left you before you could tell me that you were pregnant. And I'm sorry that even once you got Maureen to spend time with you and Ellie that she left. But I'm not going anywhere. I want to have more kids with you, and I want to help you become Captain of SVU. I want to be with you forever and just because your grieving friend said that everything that happened to you is your fault, it doesn't mean that it's true." Elliot spoke, as he and Ellie walked into the kitchen.

"God do I hope you are right."

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