Forgiven, But Not Forgotten [A Bensler Fan Fic]

<Chapter_5>

"Captain, do you know where Elliot is?" I asked, as I stepped into Cragen's office. I was hoping he knew where Elliot was, because I wanted to tell Elliot as soon as possible that I'm pregnant. That he's going to be a father again.

"Benson, shut the door. Please." Cragen replied, and I looked at him and he could tell that I was completely confused.

"Captain. Is everything okay? I know that Tucker must be on your ass over this whole Jenna thing." I frowned, and he nodded.

"He is, but that isn't the issue, Benson."

"Then what is it?" I questioned, and he frowned deeply.

"Elliot put in his papers. He isn't coming back." He spoke, and I felt my chest tighten, and tears welled in my eyes.

"What? He isn't gone, Captain. He probably just isn't feeling well. From all of the crap that just happened. I'll go talk to him." I rambled, but he shook his head.

"He isn't coming back, I'm sorry." He spoke, and I started to cry. I looked down at my hands, as I sat in a chair in front of his desk. My body was shaking, and I was beyond overwhelmed.

"No." I whimpered, as I raked my hands through my hair.

"Liv, we can always get you a new partner." He spoke, and I shook my head.

"No! There will never be another partner! Too much has happened!" I sobbed, before standing and getting ready to walk out of the room, but Cragen had came up behind me and grabbed my shoulder.

He quickly turned me around and hugged me warmly as I sobbed.

"Liv, I'm sorry." He whispered.

"Captain, I need Elliot."

"You do not need anyone. You are strong."

"Not strong enough."

"Why do you think that?" He asked, as he held me at arms' length.

"Because I'm pregnant."

<^>

I was sent home after I blurted out the fact that I'm pregnant to Cragen. I went home and I locked my doors as soon as I entered the apartment and shut the door. Then I pulled my phone out and dialed Elliot's number.

"Hey, sorry that I can't come to the phone right now. Kinda busy or am avoiding you. Leave a message." He spoke, and I started to sob as I held the phone to my ear.

The message that was left was of my crying, and my heart breaking. This was way too much for right now.

From the shooting, to my pregnancy, to him leaving. Everything seemed to overwhelm me just a little more. Just a bit more on my plate, that I can barely hold up right now.

I sat my phone down on the table by the door, before slipping my boots off and walking into the kitchen. I walked right to the wine, but I stopped. I knew I wanted this baby, even if it's father wouldn't be involved, and I didn't want to harm it. I didn't want to lose the only thing I have left of Elliot.

I turned around and leaned against the counter and placed my shaky hand over my stomach. It was so foreign to me. Thinking that I was going to have a baby.

"I'm sorry that you have me as a mother, but I promise that I'll try my best. Your Daddy is an amazing man, he just got overwhelmed, just like me. But I'll love you no matter what. No matter what happens. Please forgive me in advance for how bad your life may be. But I do love you. Already."

<^>

Later that night, around 8, someone knocked on my door. I was drinking tea and trying not to cry, so I didn't really want to see who was here.

But then my phone rang, and I stood slowly and walked towards the door, where my phone was still sitting. I saw Fin's picture this time, and I sighed as I opened my door.

"You are horrible." I spoke, hoarsely.

"Yeah, I am. But Cragen told me to check on you. So I brought you something for a late dinner, but mostly because I'm hungry." He spoke, and I frowned before letting him into my apartment.

"I'm okay, and I wish he would understand that. I'm just tired."

"He sent you home because of Stabler, right?" He questioned, and I nodded slowly. 

I didn't even know if I wanted him to know that I was pregnant. Not yet. Not until I know that I won't lose the baby.

"Yeah. Because Stabler was a dick and left the squad." I spoke, and he laughed as he sat down on my couch and started to unpack what he bought.

"Well, he's always been a dick. I don't know what you saw in him." He spoke, and I was so tempted to hit him upside his head, but I didn't want him to think that I was still into Elliot. That there was something more that was bothering me.

"Yeah, I don't know either. But I'm okay, Fin. You didn't need to come over."

"I told you that I was hungry, and Cragen told me to get you something to eat to." He grinned, before he handed me whatever he got me and and I sighed.

God do I need wine to go with this dinner.

<^>

It was hard to sleep the first night. Then for the next month after that. Knowing that my life was going to be changing drastically in like 32ish weeks was crazy. Knowing that I'd be doing this all on my own was also hard. 

But after knowing for that month, I knew I had to tell someone other than Cragen. I had to also come up with excuses based on why I wasn't allowed to work anymore. But I decided Casey and Alex needed to know.

"So, please tell me why you do not have wine in your apartment anymore?" Casey asked, as I got plates out for dinner.

"Because I do not drink anymore." I replied.

"Liv?" Alex questioned, and I turned to look at them and sighed.

"I'm pregnant."

"You're what?" Casey breathed.

"Elliot and I slept together and now I'm pregnant. I've known since the day after the shooting. I need help. I need all of your help to make sure I can make it through this." I whispered, breaking down again. They came towards me and both of them hugged me.

"We can help for sure."

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