Forgiven, But Not Forgotten [A Bensler Fan Fic]

Chapter 26

In the dark cloud of Charlie's death and Casey's grieving, Elliot and I got married a little quieter than we had planned. It was still in a church and we still had a photographer but not as many people showed up and I wasn't really in the mood to celebrate.

Elliot and I started to rent a brownstone and Ellie and I moved into it the night her father and I got married.

"This bed is really big." Elliot smiled, as he climbed onto the bed next to me.

"Well, its bigger than the bed we had at your mother's house," I replied with a small sigh. Elliot wrapped his arms around my body and pulled me close.

"Thinking about Casey?" He asked, and I frowned.

"I should be thinking about us and our marriage, but I can't help but think about her and Charlie's funeral."

"Are you going to it tomorrow?" Elliot asked, and I bit my lip as I fell back against the pillows and sighed.

"I have no idea. She hates me so much, but everyone else is going. Even you are going."

"I'm representing us, Liv. You don't have to go unless you really want to."

"Are you taking Ellie?" I mused, and he nodded.

"Yeah, I think so. She gives me an excuse to leave and not stick around for long." He smiled and I bit my lip as I ran my hands through my hair.

"Maybe I'll go in a different car and if she asks me to leave, I'll just leave then."

"Okay, well it's our wedding night. I really want to enjoy you. Are you okay with that?" He asked with a small smile.

"I guess."

<^>

The next morning I helped Elliot shave before getting Ellie up and around. She sat in her playpen and tried to stack her nesting blocks but mostly sucked on them. I got dressed in the same black dress I wore to my mother's funeral. It mostly fit, but it just felt wrong to be wearing it again.

"You look nice," Elliot spoke, as I walked into our kitchen with a dress for Ellie and a tie for him in my hands.

"Thanks." I sighed softly. Elliot watched me as I walked over and poured coffee into my mug. 

"Still gonna come with us I assume?"

"Yeah. I need to try and be there for Casey and make sure if she needs me that she'll have me. But she won't need me. She didn't even come to my wedding." I frowned. I walked over and sat next to Elliot as he fed Ellie another bite of oatmeal.

"I know how much you wanted her there."

"Yeah, because she was there for me the whole time I was pregnant with Ellie and dreaming of being with you again one day."

"Just don't push her today, alright? She's really scared and upset."

"Have you talked to her?" I questioned.

"Yeah. I helped her pay for the funeral..." Elliot trailed off. I stared ahead numbly as tears streamed down my cheeks.

She hates me so much that she'd rather talk to my husband instead of me...

<^>

I walked into the church with Ellie in my arms. She kicked her legs as I walked, and I didn't even let Elliot touch me as we walked in because I'm angry at him for talking to Casey without telling me.

As we walked towards where Casey stood, Alex grabbed my arm and pulled me into a side hallway.

"Alex." I frowned.

"Liv, please don't stay. Please just go home." She spoke, and I frowned deeply. I leaned down and kissed Ellie's curls as she reached out to Alex.

"I want to be here for her." I sighed.

"No. Go home and leave her alone. She doesn't want you here!" Alex exclaimed, and I quickly turned and walked out into the lobby again. I looked at Elliot as he walked towards me.

"Are you staying?" Elliot asked, and I shook my head.

"Just take Ellie. There is a bottle in here for her when she gets hungry. I'm going to go home and cry." I spoke, before quickly passing Ellie off to Elliot. I walked out as Casey walked towards the front of the church as she wiped tears from her cheeks. She stopped for a moment and sighed.

"I'm sorry for your loss. I'm leaving so don't worry."

<^>

Elliot came home with an exhausted Ellie. I gave her a bath while Elliot made dinner. When I came back from laying Ellie down for the night, Elliot was eating the sandwich he made himself and was drinking his second beer.

"You were gone for awhile." I frowned, as I walked over and grabbed my wine glass and sipped from it.

"Well, the crew had drinks at Casey's new place," Elliot spoke, and I nodded slowly.

"So you drove home buzzed with our daughter in the car?" I asked, and he sighed.

"I had one drink, Liv."

"You still drove home after drinking, Elliot! God!" I spat, before slamming my glass down.

"I told you that it wouldn't be good to go!"

"I'm sorry that I love my friend and wanted to be there for her, but I can't have you using the excuse of me not being there as a good excuse to drink and drive."

"I wasn't going to kill our daughter! Fight about the real reason and not my fucking drinking!" Elliot yelled, and I slammed my hands against the counter and screamed.

I just screamed because I was angry. I forgot about my daughter for a moment, I forgot about my neighbors, and I forgot about the fact that my husband was standing there willing for me to yell at him. I just screamed and let out as much anger as I could.

"Liv-"

"I'm done with this all. I'm done not taking responsibility for what I did."

"What are you talking about?"

"I killed Charlie. This is all my fault. I should be the one taking responsibility for this. The crew shouldn't be investigating everyone but me in his life. I'm the one that killed him." I spoke tearfully.

"You didn't pull the trigger, babe!" Elliot exclaimed.

"But I caused this all. He was upset because I asked Casey to come home with me. He was manic because the only thing keeping him alive had left him behind. I'm going to go talk to Cragen." I spoke, before quickly grabbing my keys and walking out of the front door, my husband calling after me.

<^>

"Olivia, what are you doing here?" Cragen asked as I walked into the squad room. He was the only one here, and the one I needed to talk to the most.

"Captain, I killed Charlie. It was my fault." I spoke, and his eyes went wide.

"Amanda said he was dead before you got there."

"You need someone to blame and you won't find anyone else out there. Just charge me with assisting in a suicide. I'll get jail time or probation, but at least Casey will get someone to blame."

"I'm not arresting you, Olivia. This wasn't your fault."

"But I can't find any other way to explain it. I feel so guilty."

"No matter what I say, you'll think it is your fault. But I'm going to tell you again that this isn't your fault. So please go home. Go hold your baby. Kiss your husband."

"But why can I have a baby and a husband when Casey has been denied that? Why do I get to be happy?"

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