Buses & Bunk Beds (Zarry)

Chapter 36

It all started the moment we walked onto the bus. Or maybe it started before that. Maybe it started when I nodded to Harry in that bar and moments later found myself hitching Jade up so that she could ride on his back. Or maybe it was during that goddamn game of Truth or Dare, or the first time I asked Perrie to get a cuppa with me, or when Simon cut me and then reeled me back in by putting me in this group. No matter where it began now. It's done. I'm done. The Zayn who loved Harry and who thought Harry loved him is dead and gone, a corpse, a zombie, a shell residing in his place.

"Just how stupid are you two?" Nancy asked, looking totally out of place sitting on the messy bus in her fancy suit.

"What? What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to try to clean up another one of your messes, only this time I think I'm too late."

I adopted an indignant tone as Harry and I sat down on the couch opposite her. "I have no idea what you're talking about, but whatever it is, I'm sure you didn't have to fly all the way over-"

"I came because Simon insisted that I do so," she interrupted, making my stomach drop. If Simon was involved then the situation had to be bad. He never got angry at us himself, just sent other people to do his dirty work.

"Why don't you just tell us what's going on," Harry said calmly, leaning forward so that his elbows rested on his knees.

"What's going on is that you two geniuses apparently decided that it was a good idea to have a threesome with Perrie's best friend, in the same hotel that she and 25 other people you know were staying in."

"Fuck," Harry said, leaning back against the couch. "Perrie found out?"

"That she did."

"Well? How did she find out? And what's she threatening to do now?" Harry asked, exasperation flooding his features.

"Someone saw the three of you getting on the lift together, and Jade was on your back Harry. They said something to Perrie and she confronted Jade. Jade didn't deny it. She couldn't really, since Perrie saw your suit jacket in Jade's room Zayn."

I put my head in my hands and groaned. I hadn't even realized that I'd left it there. "So what now?" I asked without looking up.

"Perrie's furious. She has a picture that she's planning on releasing to the press."

"What picture? What concrete proof of any of this could she possibly have?"

Nancy didn't say anything, just handed us her phone, the picture in question already on the screen. My heart sank further as I realized that it was of Harry and me at his birthday party. He had his arms around my waist and I was pressed against him, and we were kissing. I hadn't even seen anyone around us who could have taken the picture, but I had been so focused on him that it wasn't surprising that I hadn't noticed someone creeping up in the dark to film our intimate moment. The thought made me sick.

"Hasn't this gone far enough? Why does she even care at this point?"

"She cares because she's in love with you Zayn. It's obvious to everyone but you. She's going about it in totally the wrong way, but this is the only way she can think to keep you in her life."

"She's fucking psycho is what she is."

"Be that as it may, we need to be prepared for this photo to come out in the next few days."

"Fine, what does she want? Harry and I to break up? We can handle that, we'll just have to be more careful about who sees us together, right?" I asked.

"We tried that before, and it obviously didn't work. She's really on the warpath this time, so the only choice is to come out or break up, for real this time. We can't risk her finding out about you two dating behind her back and blindsiding us with a scandal. We have to stay in front of the story if you're going to be outed."

"Shit," I cursed. "Okay, it's not ideal, but we'll be alright. We just need a bit of time before the story breaks, to tell our parents-"

"Don't let her do it," Harry interrupted, and I swear my heart stuttered at his words. "We'll do whatever she wants, just don't let her release the picture. This can't happen."

The reality of what he was saying hit me like a physical blow, and I was shocked at how quickly the hurt set in. Harry was still speaking, but he wouldn't look at me. It was that fact, that he wouldn't look at me, that did me in, far more than the words coming out of his mouth.

He looked older than I'd ever seen him look, the planes and angles on his face sharper, meaner somehow. I barely recognized him in that moment, and realizing that ripped my heart from my chest, until it was on the floor, then across the room, then down the road, until I couldn't see it anymore and it no longer belonged to me. I wouldn't have wanted it anyway, broken as it was, just as Harry didn't want me.

A dozen memories flashed through my mind - Harry releasing my hand at his birthday party, being scared to kiss me in the van, double checking with Jade that she wouldn't say anything, refusing to tell his family about us - and I realized that the clues had been there all along. Harry had only ever mentioned telling the boys and Lou, and in all of our conversations about the future he had always said if and not when, but I had been too blind too see it. I was so focused on my own worries about going public that I never paused to think that he wouldn't be on board as soon as I was.

I was a fucking idiot.

"Do whatever she wants," he repeated, looking at the floor. "I'm not ready."

He might as well have pulled out a gun and shot me in the chest. Blood poured out of the wound he left me with. Happiness poured out, hope poured out, everything poured out until I was just a shell. A shell of the boy I was before I met Harry and a shell of the man I was with Harry. I was empty and angry. Where love once resided I now only felt pain, and I would have given anything to go back to who I was before. To go back to the boy who had never been on a plane and who liked to sing but never thought he would amount to anything and who didn't know what it felt like to have his heart broken.

I didn't say anything, unable to speak. I just stared at him, willing him to look at me. Needing him to explain how I had been so wrong about him. About us. He finally looked at me, and he didn't look sad like I expected, but angry. Angry at me.

"It's not fair that you're asking me to do this Zayn. It's too soon. Do you know how much hate I get every day over what I wear? Over my hair? What do you think it would be like if this got out? They would crucify me. I'd love to be all laid back and mature about this, but the truth is I was a teenager a couple of weeks ago and now you're asking me to make a decision that will affect me for the rest of my life. It's not fair. I need more time."

He stood to walk off the bus and I followed, jumping in front of him and pushing my body against his.

"Don't do this Harry," I begged, gripping his shirt. "I know you. I know what you sound like when you come and what your tears taste like and what keeps you up at night and what makes you laugh harder than anything else. I know you, and the you that I know wouldn't give a fuck about this threat. Wouldn't do this to me."

He wrapped his hands around my wrists and pulled me off of his shirt, and for a moment I thought that he was going to pull me closer. But instead he took a step back, turned his back to me and walked away.

And just like that, I was back to the Zayn who was too afraid to make a move on Harry and who was too afraid to tell Harry that I loved him. Because why would he ever love someone like me? I hadn't realized the confidence I'd gained since I'd been with him, the confidence that came from being loved by someone like Harry, until it was snatched away from me. I felt small, forgotten and unloved.

"Please, don't do this to me," I yelled after him. "Anything would be better than you loving me and then leaving me like this. Please, Haz. Please come back to me and I promise that I'll make you happy."

He didn't turn around. I watched him leave until I was alone.