The Coalition of Sierra J. Rubenstein

The Finale:

    I was going to finish this book off with the conclusion that Sierra went her own way to prey on the next man she could get. I was never accounting to hear Sierra applied to work for the same company as me. The last bit of detail I was brought one night on vacation was a screen shot from Danny. He sent me a screenshot of Sierra's Facebook page which contained Sierra's new relationship status. Sierra is now engaged to Brandon Furlough. It took them almost four months (it was a few days before their four months anniversary) after her relationship with me for them to get engaged. That to me is messed up. Maybe it is my personal preference to have to date a woman for at least a year before proposing. He just made a stupid mistake in proposing to Sierra, especially when there has been suspicion that Sierra was cheating on him and trying to leave him. Sierra still has the tattoo of our song on her ribs. I wonder if she forced Brandon to like the song just so she does not have to remove it. I do not know how Brandon can overlook having a tattoo on your fiancé that was for her ex-boyfriend. Yet Brandon maybe proposed to Sierra. I say maybe because it would not be the first time Sierra has lied about her relationship status and I am not talking about the time when Sierra was trying to leave me. In our second year together, Sierra and I changed our relationship status to keep people like Danny and Steven away from us. This was Sierra's idea and she had a secret plan to try and force us into an actual marriage. Sierra tried to propose to me in our second year too. I always told her that I am too young for marriage and not prepared to start a family. We had to change our status back because I was under fire by my family. They believed I had a court house marriage to Sierra. You know, I always thought about messaging Brandon and telling him the truth about Sierra. I do not want to see another victim hurt by Sierra's crazy world...then I thought to myself: if Brandon truly proposed, then she can (for the most part) stay away from my life. If I break the truth, then Sierra might come after me again or worse...try to get back with me.
    I know some people might have expected me to spend so much of the book complaining about how bad Sierra was. I found just ripping on Sierra would be a poor motive in comparison of what I was trying to get across. I could have easily talked about how insecure Sierra is about her breast because one is a B-cup and the other still needs to be in a training bra. Or I could have said something about her butt and thighs having so much stretch and pot marks that makes her lower half look like a woman in her late 40s. I never cared about Sierra flaws when we were together. Even all her crap was being over looked. Everything was being filtered through rose colored glasses. I guess I was so caught up in being in love and feeling wanted that I never thought about leaving Sierra. I never really felt the sensation of feeling wanted and I never wanted to let it go. Some people out there could have left their other if they did a few of the things Sierra had put me through, but I felt like I could help. That is one of my bigger flaws which makes me so vulnerable to other people. I wanted Sierra to get better and be better, that is why I bent over backwards to help her out. I think I have a real problem chasing after dysfunctional people. I can see why in some relationships, people do not want to leave their other because they gave them their heart. That was what I did with Sierra and it pained me to see her smash it as she left me. I still can not believe I blindly followed her through the relationship, but at least I came to my senses when she left. I will admit, Sierra reminded me that she did not define my life and I am worth than she will ever be. Sierra does not have much to her name as she continues to burn bridges and memories with everyone around her. The sad thing is, Sierra will eventually kill herself. One of the last things she told me in person was that when her mother soon passes away, she will join her. Sierra believes her life is only defined by her mother. What does that say about her life up to this point? It is just sad to hear someone say things like that.
    I remember when I told Sierra that she did not care for me. I could not come to tell Sierra the reasons why I said it. I still stand by what I said even with all that has passed since I said it. When you threaten your boyfriend that you want to leave him, how is that caring? When you start fights just to get attention, how is that caring? When you try to make me feel bad because you are being made fun of for saying stupid shit, how is that caring? How about when you start fights, but never wanting to fix the problems a sign that you care? I think I made my point and I will not keep dragging this on, but there are more examples I could give. And the things she has asked me to do have been bad. I already said she asked me to take my life with her, but the worst thing came early in Salisbury. Sierra asked me to "rape" her because Sierra finds rape hot. This woman threaten to report me for rape when I refused to sleep with her awhile back, but asked me to "rape" her because of her possession fetish. Of course I sustained from even touching her for awhile. Sierra was not worth any trouble.
    One of the things I absolutely hated about Sierra was how she made her world and her problems bigger than anyone else. The worse case of this was when Sierra got me to open up about my time in chemotherapy all because Sierra wanted deep conversations with me, but they have to result in me crying. If I was not crying, then I failed as a boyfriend. I digress, but I told her every horrible detail and even some of the funny ones. Sierra loved how I opened up, but she never really did. What Sierra always did was treat my treatments as if it was a walk in the park compared to her depression. Her wanting to kill herself at any given chance because life is hard was worth more that a disease killing me from the inside out. There is the difference: I did not have a choice in coming close to death or suffering, you keep choosing to throw your life around because of nothing. How am I to believe she does have depression when she does not have medication and refuses to get help. Her tragedy and depression were always used as convenient plot devices to derail any blame on herself and any fights to go away. She gets all the attention when she threatens suicide and I find her despicable for doing so. However, I could look past all of the things you say and do. Matter of fact, you trying to belittle my chemotherapy was not as bad as what you did in Shelly's office the day we signed the lease. Do you remember on all the lines that I was suppose to print my name that you went ahead to do for me? I was so embarrassed when Shelly pointed out that you did not write my name. My name is not Joey and that was what she wrote. I have been with Sierra for years, she has seen my ID, debit card, heard my dad say it, and even commented when discovering my real first name. How do you not know my real name!? What made this worse was you asking me what it was. I made you guess and you refused to guess on the grounds that you did not know it. From that day, I was crushed to realize the person that I loved could not remember my name. I saw us breaking up after that moment and you did not realize how hurt I was from that. You not knowing my name hurt me more than anything nasty you have said to me.
     The whole Cancun trip that Sierra was suppose to go on back in May never happened. I almost for got about this too. I drove by Linda's house to see if they even went on the trip and sure enough, they did not go. Linda was walking into her house when she was suppose to be in Mexico. Guess Sierra made her aunt waste thousands of dollars for a vacation that she was never going to attend. I wonder in Linda ever got a refund. I also wonder if Linda changed her gift to paying off Sierra's debt. Another thing I forgot to mention as it was a reason why I would not marry Sierra. She is $5,000 in debt. Half of it is being called in by the government for her taxes and the other half is all from credit cards and bills she refuses to pay. She is still getting notices for not paying some of her bills and that might be a reason why Sierra is rushing for marriage...just to dump her load off on who ever she can get. Oh and one last thing: change your panties and take showers more often and you might not get UTIs as often as every other month. You seemed to have skipped trying that.
    I believe romance is constructed on three levels: friendship, parenthood, and sex. At one point, Sierra met all three. The first thing to go for me was parenthood. I started to realize that my views and Sierra's views of parenting were farther off than I realized. It came from one conversation when we discussed how our kids would be educated. Sierra blurts out that our kids will be homeschooled. I told her that I would not be staying home teaching our children. Sierra explains she would be teaching them. The woman who was worse at math than me (I am pretty bad at math), vocabulary of a ghetto middle schooler, someone that knows nothing of biology, health, sex-Ed, history, and chemistry (you would be surprise how often chemistry has come in handy to stop Sierra from hurting herself). I expressed how unhappy I was with her plan. I actually believed she was joking until she felt insulted by me laughing. Sierra believed homeschooling is the best despite being mocked, ridiculed, and embarrassed for her lack of common knowledge through homeschooling. I think what did it for me was my discussion about drugs and usage. Sierra got into talking about safe usage and our future children. Sierra believed that if our kids asked her to do drugs, she would let them as long as she was supervising to keep them safe. First off, how will you keep them safe if you are using with them? I took her idea to the distant extreme and asked the hypothetical question: would you do heroine with our children? Sierra said as long as they asked me to do it. I lost it after that. All she would be doing is encouraging our children to do drugs, which is counter productive for her intentions. Plus, how would you teach them if they were getting a safe batch of drugs if you guys smoke a bad batch and OD? I even brought up the incident with Mickie where they nearly ODed and how guilty she feels for getting Mickie hooked on harder drugs. Sierra claimed that if her mom did this with her, she would not have turned to drugs. First, stop doing drugs, second, you would have ended up like your addict brother. Sierra is going to be a shallow and terrible mother that has to smoke with her kids because she can not live with herself. We actually got into a fight over this discussion mostly because Sierra said they were going to do it behind my back if I tried to stop them. This was where I realized Sierra is going to turn into her mother. Bonnie hides things behind Russell's back all the time. Sierra started acting like her mom by always arguing and acting like god's gift on earth. Next to go was sexual desire for Sierra. It has come and gone a few times in our relationship out of my fear. What lost me on sex was how Sierra turned it into a chore and it was no longer enjoyable. Like I said, if I was not sleeping with her then I did not love her. I also went into detail that sex became mundane for me. She was not into it; therefore, I was not. Sierra did a lot to turn me off when we started going. I have never had good sex with Sierra all of 2018. It had been bad for awhile, but I tried to resolve the issue. Sierra did nothing to help. The last thing was friendship. She stopped talking with me and always started fights in Salisbury everyday. How can I be friends with a person like that? This was how I lost feelings for Sierra.
    When Danny told me Sierra was now engaged, one of the first things in mind was Danny still had feelings for Sierra. We promised to keep away from her, but obviously he is still keeping up with her. Maybe if Danny reads this, he might come to his senses. He might not have accepted that Sierra was only with him to to make me jealous. You should not be in love with a woman that believes she is in love with every person after she opens her legs to them. She has done it to Matt, you, me, and now Brandon. This person falls in and out of love so quickly. Sierra has shown us that we can not trust her not even around other people. Sierra's goal in life is to be better than her family, but be just like them at the same time. Sierra is still devastated for not having a kid before she turned 18. If she can get married now, she can show her family that she is better. You know, that is kinda what she used for me. Sierra paraded me around to her family all the time like I was a trophy husband. This mentality Sierra had of her being better than her family was the real reason for them hating her. How can Sierra be better than her sisters if she was the one that wasted the most potential to have a successful life. She is trying to be her mother and that brings more resentment because her sisters hate Bonnie. Bonnie brought them all into the world in poor circumstances and environments, like Sierra tried with me, and their lives were predetermined to fail. You are the only person not to see you mom as the easy hook up that did not care enough to be a good mother. Sierra needs to be more responsible to supported to break the cycle. I know Sierra's marriage to Brandon will end fairly quickly. She is going to use him to get his money and a baby before splitting. Sierra will keep moving on doing the same thing her mother has done. Maybe she will not make the same mistake by sleeping with Angie's husband and possibly conceiving a child with him. Bonnie never had Sierra and Russell paternity tested because she did not want Russell to take off if they found out Sierra was not his. That event actually affects Sierra more than she lets on. The only thing keeping Sierra from finding the truth is that Russell's money support will go away in a heart beat. I will get back on track with where I was getting at with my comments: Danny, you may not be swayed by my reasons. You just may need to get her crazy out of your system. So just go after her. No one wants to see you hurt, but you may need to be just so you can fully recover. Sierra preys on people like us and make us feel like we are the problem and that we are unloved. Sierra is the ugly one from her personality and attitude, not you. She needs to spend her whole life searching for anyone that she can cling too. You can find someone that will love you better than her. It might just take some more time. But she will comeback to you soon if she has not started talking with you now. Sierra will find out you have a lot more money and try to use you so she can live the life style of someone taking care of her that she always wanted. Then, Sierra will leave yo
    I have pondered over the very last texts Sierra messaged me. I wanted to know what Sierra meant by "I'm done with all of your nonsense...". Is it nonsense of how I loved you? I opened her horizons to new and exciting experiences with me and my family. I did so much just to keep you in my life. I gave you two homes to live in, Brandon is falling behind on that scoreboard. He needs one more to tie me. I saved you from death a handful of times. I showed you how a real man is in a relationship. I was just not will to take your bullshit anymore. I felt like the only one trying to keep our relationship going the whole time. I loved you with all my heart, but you showed me how you really do not care. If only you were honest just a little bit in our relationship, things could have been better. If you were only honest with me and talked things out during our break up, it would not have been messy or nonsensical. Everything was your doing. You were just the dumbass that got hit hard my reality. All I wanted from you was for you to get help. You are not well and if by any chance you have read through each chapter to see the glossing of everything you have done, then you may see why you need help. After everything we have been through I was still willing to be a friend to you and be there for you as you went through treatment. I hope you will eventually accept that you have a problem. I do not want to hold on to this anger towards you. I can let go, but can you? I still see my vision of one day you, Danny, and I will meet up sometime down the line to reunite the original trio. Looking back on our relationship, I feel like I did pretty good as a matured through the years. I averaged out about one big mistake a year and that is a great improvement from my past. I will always remember the memories we had together. You may want to forget all about them, but I will still keep them. The good and the bad ones. The bad ones will keep me true in finding someone that will never treat me like that. The good ones are just for me to reminisce. The one that I will treasure is the night you fell asleep on my chest. I remember you started drooling on my chest when I finally cuddled you to sleep. I took the picture to capture a moment I was truly happy with you. That night will never fade my memory, I loved it so even now.