Found

I will do it

Ben

I wiped my extremely sweaty palms on my knees, stressed out of my mind. I didn't want to talk to her, he didn't want me to talk to anyone - he didn't even want me to be here, he wanted me dead. The more I became anxious and stressed about talking to her, and being alone in a room with someone who I don't know, I took more breaths than I should of. I could feel the blood rushing to my head, making my face redder and redder until it would start to become more purple than red. 

"Hey," a gentle voice said from next to me, placing their soft hand on my leg. I looked over at the person in question to find Lizzy's alluring cinnamon eyes staring understandingly back at me. She grabbed my hand with her's, her touch instantly calming my rapid breaths into slower ones, allowing the colour to drain from my face and begin pumping back around my body once more. 

She leisurely lifted her hand to behind my ear, caressing my hair between her fingers, "What's wrong?"

"I - I don't tr-trust her," I told her as she continued to play with my hair. 

She looked back from my hair to my eyes, "You're going to be just fine, I'm going to be right on the other side of the door, and if you need me, just call my name and I'll come running. Okay?"

"Okay."

She drew me into a hug, wrapping her warm arms around my body, protecting me. I laid my head on her chest, just listening to her heartbeat bouncing, keeping her alive. I couldn't help but feel safe with her, she truly understood me, and with her protective arms around me - I knew no one would hurt me. She hadn't pressured me either, she knew when I wanted to talk and when I didn't, and she hasn't pressed me on getting another job. She knew when I was ready. 

"Benjamin Cook?" a ladies voice called. 

I pulled away and looked up at the woman who was stood in the doorway. She was a portly woman who seemed to be around fifty years old. She wore all sorts of clothes, all layered on top of each other, which made her seem as if she floated around the room. Hung low around her neck was her squared glasses that wobbled slightly as she walked. 

I stood up slowly, not letting go of Lizzy's hand. "I'm on the other side of the door."

I nodded and reluctantly trudged to the door of her therapist room, trying my best as to not enter it. The woman placed her hand on my back and guided me into the room, shutting Lizzy away on the other side. She motioned to her cramped, navy sofa that sat opposite an armchair of the same style and colour. 

After we had both sat down, she addressed me crossing her hands on her lap. "So what brings you here?" 

I looked down, scratching the back on my head, coiling inwards. I replied so quietly I wasn't sure if I had actually said something. "I thought you knew."

"Yes I do know Benjamin, but I want to hear it from you," She said patiently. 

"I - I struggled to talk," I began, "a - and I don't like being alone with p-people I don't know."

"Okay," she said slowly nodding her head then referring back to her notes and writing something before looking back up towards me, "How does this make you feel?"

"Everything."

"Okay, and what is 'everything'?" she asked. 

"A- angry that he took m - me, i-irritated that I -I feel too sc-cared to go out alone or b-be alone, and I'm c-constantly fright-tend of being t-taken again." 

"Well I hope that we can fix this," she explained to me, leaning forward and taking my hand in her's. 

I don't know if she can. I had been looked over by mental health at the hospital and they told me that I would most likely have PTSD. I've heard all sorts of people having it, they don't ever fully recover. I am going to be frightened my whole life, terrified that every time I knock on a door they'll grab me and take me. I don't want to be taken again. 

We continued talking for what seemed like hours. She was constantly prodding into my life, asking me questions that I didn't want to answer, she would ask about Grace, Lizzy, and Josh. It was none of her business, but I knew I wouldn't get out of the room until I answered her questioned. 

Finally, the time came for us to bid farewell to each other, I hoped whilst shaking her hand that I wouldn't have to ever see her again, but yet that was not to be. I would have to come back week after week until I was 'fixed'. I wasn't going to be able to get my mind over this, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I hoped deep down inside of me that I would, just enough to get back to the stage, but what if I can't? I will be a burden on everyone in my life until I get my life is sorted. I will try, I will do it for Lizzy. I will do it for Grace. I will do it for Josh, Emma, my parents, my job, the toursies. And I will do it for myself. 

I exited the room and looked up from my feet to see Lizzy standing up from her chair - gathering her handbag. She walked over to me with her beautiful smile, and kissed me on the cheek lingering by my cheek to ask me, "Are you okay? How did it go?" 

"Can we talk about it at home, with Josh?" I whispered.

She lowered her heels back to the floor and placed her hand on the spot she had just kissed rubbing it carefully, "Of course, let's go home." 

I managed to smile weakly towards her, not wanting to spend a second longer in this place.