Today is August 15,
It was November 15 when this book was started and I think back to it occasionally and start to wonder when it started to mean so much to me,
And also when it stopped meaning a thing at all,
And I realized so much over the course of this year and even this summer,
That kind of just hit me,
It's like tidal wave after tidal wave of learning about life,
I feel like so many people are in the dark when there's so much they haven't figured out yet and it's crazy,
Life is such an odd thing,
But anyways beyond that point,
This here is the last part of this book,
And my heart hurts to say that but I realize that if I want a fresh start,
I have to leave my past in the past where it belongs,
And to keep adding parts to this book comes to show that I don't want this entire chapter of my life to end,
And despite not wanting to let things go,
I know I have to in order to find my new beginning,
And more than anything,
I need that.
I need to find acceptance somewhere within myself,
And I need to push away the darkness that fights its way in constantly,
And this book will forever be a dwelling, hovering reminder of my freshman year of high school,
As well as the girl that shaped who I am today,
The people along the way,
The mistakes,
The good choices,
The bad ones,
Everything is right here in some weird metaphoric sentences,
And a whole book of poems.
I want to push this part away from my life so I feel like something is going to change and so that's what I'll do,
And it really does hurt to be honest,
Acceptance is something I've never been good at,
But after all this time wondering what it is I've been looking for I realize now that this was it all along,
Finding acceptance in myself is what I needed the whole time,
I wasn't looking for peace because you'll never find it the way you want it,
It wasn't love from that one girl I constantly wrote about,
It wasn't constant happiness,
Or for my mental disorders to just evaporate into thin air like I wished a million times they would,
It wasn't for my appearance to change or for my stomach to stop getting hungry so I wouldn't eat so much,
It was just the one thing I never thought of and never had; self acceptance and acceptance of life as it is.
It's a shame it took me so long,
After friends and other friends and new friends and random people and therapy and emotional breakdowns and turmoils and talks and school consulars and even police officers,
To finally realize this.
And I want you all to realize this now,
If you picked anything up from my stupid mistakes or my messed up head,
I just want it to be this right here:
You are a simple human on an earth of complexity and you cannot change the direction the wind blows, you just have to understand that's how it is, and that's how it will be. And do not dwell on it. If the wind is in your face, all you can do is turn the other way and let it play with your hair, and if you can't do that, then you have to face it head on. Even if you have to put your head down a couple times, but you can't ever give up.
Most importantly though, facing something head on is not the same as fighting against it.
That is the most important thing I've ever learned.
Pick your battles carefully,
And be scared of who you give your trust,
And remember that you are forever your own best friend,
At the end of the day, laying in bed,
Staring at your ceiling it's all about you.
You will always have yourself so you need to get used to yourself and love yourself and take care of yourself.
I know it's hard but it's the best you can do.
So if you're a freshman this year, or even a sophomore, I hope you learned something from me so I feel like all this heartache didn't go to waste.
You HAVE to love yourself more than you love anyone else,
Because if you give someone every single bit of you,
When they walk away god knows they won't give it back,
And you'll be stuck with nothing.
There's so many words I want to say, so many things I could preach but I just don't want to tell anyone the right way to live their lives because you have to experience it at some point.
You will.
Just be careful,
And please please,
Be careful who you trust. That is so important, sometimes the most dangerous serpents have the prettiest eyes and whitest smiles.
And sometimes those little things that pop into your head,
Those words,
Listen to them,
Because even though at the time you thought it was nothing,
They might be more than just Empty Thoughts.
