UNDERCOVER SOULMATING

Chapter 7: Can't Give Up Now

Saturday, June 28th

It wasn't often that I spoke about myself or my 'situation', whether it's good or bad I just wasn't that type. I didn't like to complain because I felt like it could always be worst. I even apologize for venting! However, something about being stoned made me want to vent. As I twirled my fingers around the phone charger hanging from my phone I began with,

"I'm just a little stressed out because I don't feel I'll have the money I need to start school."

I am a college student at SCAD, Savannah College of Art and Design, and this will be my second year there if I go back.

"Sometimes I just don't feel it's fair... I work so hard to make sure I can stay in school, yet every quarter I still struggle to get in." I sighed.

I have a scholarship to school as well as FAFSA loans, but I still need a couple thousand out of pocket every year. My counselor finds me new small scholarships all the time, and told me a way to pay by the quarter, which kept me in school, but barley.

"It's so fucking hard for me to save up the money to pay my school when I have to pay for bills and food, gas... life! So even though I'm working two jobs, I still have to juggle going to school, and find time to do my homework so I can pass my classes and not lose any scholarships, so it's not like I can work more, there just isn't enough time!"

I began to tear up so I quickly wiped my eyes underneath my glasses.

I took a moment to breathe. I really didn't like complaining and figuring out the words to say to explain my point was always hard for me. Expressing myself in words wasn't my thing so I resulted to dying i'm dreads and getting piercing. That made me feel comfortable, which also keep me confident.

While it may seem like I don't care about work much because I'm always leaving with Jordan, it wasn't like that at all. The only reason I found time to leave with Jordan was because Ihop was ridiculously slow and ridiculously over staffed. I was always at work. I worked everyday, if not at Zoes, I worked at Ihop, somedays both. And on days I didn't work Zoes I would work doubles at Ihop for just incase it was to slow that night and I left. I never had a full day off from both jobs because I knew I couldn't afford it and my goals.

As if answering my own thoughts I said,

"Working more wouldn't help anyway because I need a new job. Ihop just isn't giving me enough money. Then again, another job isn't going to let me spend all night doing homework, or sleep when were slow because I have to be at school in the morning. It's a lose lose situation... That is not going to stop me though because I refuse to be the one who didn't make it, that got so far and still went nowhere... The disappointment."

I stopped talking again and could see Jordan looking at me puzzled.

"My family."

I answered his confused face.

"I have lost all of my immediate family except my mom. We are all each other has left and the remaining family looks at us like I'm destined to do something great. Yet they are expecting us to fail.... I get it. I always thought I was too. I have always been serious and persistent about school and about my future. I always get straight A's or a B at the least. However in college a B has become a success for me because.... I'm honestly doing to much..... I can't let them down by proving the others right... That's what this is all about."

Again I sighed. I was getting annoyed at myself and had started biting my nails.

I guess it's not obvious but, I don't always think as highly of myself as everyone else does. I'm not as smart as they all think I am. Not as talented, not as innocent, and not even as cute. But everyone had their insecurities and I was not one for expressing mine. For showing weakness. I was determined if I was nothing else, so I decided to suck it up and wrap up this pity party.

As I stared at the green crocheted cross that always hung on my rearview mirror I gathered a little strength.

"It's ok though because I'm strong in my faith and confident that there is a reason God brought me here. HE is the only reason I seemed to manage getting in school, passing classes, finding time to have a social life.... There is a reason. When he wants me to know it, I'll see it. In the meantime I'll just keep pursuing forward."

I had been facing forward in my seat this whole time feeling tense. I looked over at Jordan slightly embarrassed for the rampage I just went on. He smiled and said

"You're right.... God had a reason for everything. You'll be ok."

That relaxed me so much. He had even invited me to go to church with him and his family this coming up sunday, so it made me feel happy that that is all he said. He didn't judge me, or try to pity me. He was a great friend, a great shoulder to cry on, and I honestly don't know how I would manage without him. I loved him and I really hoped we would stay best friends forever.

"Thanks." I said with a smile.

He leaned over and gave me a kiss. I was still kind of high so our full lips touching each others felt sensitive, it seemed to tingle as if I was feeling detals I had never felt before. It felt amazing but I still wasn't in the mood and didn't want to be distracted or lead him on so I pulled away.

"I think you're beautiful." He said and smiled as he leaned back in his own seat.

He said that all the time and I never really understood what he saw in me. I gave him another small kiss.

"I think we should go, I'm strangely hungry, and tried. Most importantly i'm ready for this high to end. You don't mind me ending our night early do you?"

"I guess not." He pouted and slouched down in the seat.

He had heard me say things that I rarely said aloud. I didn't have anyone to say it to, but I wouldn't have anyway. Jordan was the scapegoat I needed to take a break from always being serious, always stressing about my future. It strengthened our bond.

***

Over the course of the next month Jordan and I hung out everyday. If I had a busy schedule I would see him between jobs. If he didn't work the night I did, he would come see me. The other servers at Ihop had starting calling me his girl. I wasn't but I didn't care either. Whenever someone would try to pry I'd just say he's my best friend. Jordan and I had an understanding; we were BFFWB. "Best friends forever, with benefits", and we had made a pact that if we were still single when we turned 30 we would get married. We didn't want a relationship right now and it worked for us. We were around each other so much, all his friends knew me and they also called me his girl, correcting them however was pointless. Being that close did come with some secrets though. For instance, his friends I disliked so much all sold drugs. It wasn't the drugs that made me dislike them though, it was the delinquent attitude they held that rubbed me the wrong way. Amongst them dabbling in gang activities, they also stole as a way of making more money. They were destined for jail or death and they always seemed to want Jordan around. For the most part I kept him from all that because he would choose to be with me. His mom was convinced I was going to be his girlfriend at some point because I was at his house everyday. The days I wasn't at his house, he was at mine. Still, I couldn't be there around the clock, and I hated it. In a way I felt as if keeping him from them was a way of repaying a debt. Him befriending me when I was at such a vulnerable point was healthy for me and I knew that keeping him away from them was healthy for him.

I had also made new friendships. I befriended a girl that worked at Zoes and Kyle and mine relationship was blossoming everyday. There was a guy that worked next door to Zoes too, he was really cute! Definitely my taste and I think he liked me. Life was looking up. I had friends, a crush, I was working. I had managed to get the money for school since my mom told me she would let me stay with her for free. I felt free for the first time, But I still didn't feel like I new my purpose. I didn't understand why I was here to begin with. I kept feeling like I was here to do something bigger than just go to school.

It was time for me to figure that out and the first sign started two weeks ago. To bad I missed it.