The Secret Struggle

Winds of Change

I gribbed the cool glass bottle in my hand and brought it up to my lips and took a sip. The cool liquid felt wonderful as it feel down my throat. I breathed a sigh of relief and laid back on Noel's bed as I continued to drink. Something in me told me that this was still wrong, but I was learning to stop it and let it go. I was training my mind to just like alcohol for the taste. Just make it something that I had every once in a while. Basically, I just wanted to prove to myself that it was just like having a Sprite one time and then a lemonade the next, but just allowing the beer or wine or whatever to be a choice.

I looked over at the door and saw Noel enter back in. She had taken a smoking break but had told me to just wait in here for her. She knew I wasn't a big fan of the cigarette smoke, so she took things into her own hands and made sure to keep it away from me the best that she could. And for that I was grateful. She really was a good friend.

I was a bit worried for Noel though. She'd been acting really weird with the smoking. She doesn't seem to think quite as highly as she used to. In fact, she looked like she wanted to quit, but couldn't quite convince her mind, or allow herself to tell me or anyone to get some help.

"What's up Noel? You don't quite look like yourself." I finally spoke as she took a seat on the bed next to me and looked over at me with a bit of a smirk on her face.

She then giggled. "I'm sorry, but seeing you like that just makes me crack up. A month or so ago, you would have never even thought of doing this. And a few days ago you were ready to go back there. I just can't believe you are actually drinking."

I rolled my eyes. "You aren't going to answer my question, are you?"

Noel rolled her eyes at me. "There's nothing wrong. Quit being so paranoid Promise. I'm perfectly fine. School's a bit stressful, but who cares? It's always going to be that way. I'm just trying to enjoy my time relaxing with you, so get over it."

I couldn't help but laugh. She had a way of lightening any mood. I certainly loved that about her. "Okay. I'm sorry. I'll quit it. I'll let you tell me when something is wrong, or when you trust me, or whenever it might be that you choose to tell me whatever. But I'm always here for you."

"I know Promise. Now quite running that pretty little mouth of yours and just drink and relax and let's talk about nothing for no reason. Let's let the shitty part of our lives fade into the background and let's just hang out and not do whatever."

Noel went over and grabbed a beer out of her mini fridge and opened it and took a sip and then came and joined me on her bed, laying out and turned and looked at me. "So, what is your biggest dream in life? And please don't give me any of that changing the world shit, or any 'Christian' answer. I want you to be honest, and even a little selfish."

I sighed. Not a bad sigh, or a sigh of relief, but a sigh of comfort. Noel made me feel that way. She wanted to know me. She didn't want to allow me to hide behind those "Christian" walls that I put up trying to be a good person, and even being a good person, but hiding who I truly was. She wanted to know me at the deepest level, and she made me feel comfortable that I was even able to share how I truly felt without having to hide anything from her. She truly was a wonderful friend.

I smiled at her. "Well, I guess my biggest dream is to eventually have kids. I don't know why, but that's just always been something that I've really wanted. I've always wanted a daughter, and even a son probably. I know it's weird to not think of the husband first and what not, but what I care about most is the kids." I covered my face with my hands. "I sound like such an idiot."

I uncovered my face and looked over to see Noel smiling. "You're not an idiot. You might be a bit strange, but you certainly aren't an idiot. And that's what I like to hear. You let go of you Christian self and opened up your true feelings. I don't think it's wrong to think of kids before a husband. Besides, most guys don't want kids, or once they have them don't do shit to help you out, so you don't really need a guy anyways."