The Secret Struggle

Hell Week

What had I done? I couldn't believe myself. I'd just had sex with a guy. What was wrong with me? I was clearly the worst Christian in the entire world. I was going to Bible college, where it was strictly forbidden to do anythin like that. I couldn't believe myself. How could I have been so stupid?

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Church today had been a wake up call. I couldn't keep on doing this. I needed to change. I needed to be myself again. I wasn't a sex addicted girl. I was a good and innocent little Christian girl. I needed to break these thoughts and just stop thinking about sex altogether.

I sighed as I attempted to go to sleep. This was not going to be easy. For starters I knew I had to end things with Thomas. I knew all he wanted was in my pants. He'd tried again earlier today after lunch, but I told him no and went and saw Noel instead. That wasn't only a good thing for me, but for her as well. She wasn't taking the breakup well with Greg, despite the fact she was the one doing it and knew it was coming all along. But, I went an comforted her and he both started to feel a bit better.

I didn't know how I was ever going to get to sleep. There were too many things on my mind. The changes that I needed to make were going through my head. I needed to breakup with Thomas, limit my friendships with people at the Christian college to just Noel, try to get more involved in my church, and maybe even volunteer somewhere or something. All I knew is that I needed to start doing more things to remind myself that I'm a Christian and quit trying to act the way I was.

I sighed. This was not going to be an easy road. Not at all. There were too many things that I needed to take care of. I needed to change too much. And none of it was going to be the slightest bit easy. I was in for one hell of a week. That reminds me, I need to start cleaning up my thoughts. Some of the words that slipped in there weren't very appropriate. I was just lucky that they hadn't started coming out in my conversations, or at least not too much.

My body slowly drifted off to sleep with all of those thoughts pulsing through my body.

I woke up the next day with a vigor that I hadn't experienced in a while. A strong desire to actually want to do the right thing. A will to clean my life up and actually start living the way that I was supposed to. I was going to start paying better attention in class and actually start trying to put it all into action in my life.

The day went by as slow as ever, but I certainly felt better about myself. I felt like I was actually making some improvements in my life. I learned some things in class and actually knew somewhat of how I was going to fit those into my life and make it a lot cleaner than it had been in a very long time.

When I got back to my dorm, I called Noel and told her that I was coming over to their school because I had to do something and then I needed to talk with her.

I took a deep breath as I stood in front of the door to Thomas' room. I wasn't really ready to do this, but I knew that it needed to be done. I couldn't let it go on any longer and risk giving in again.

Thomas answered within a few seconds of my knock with a smile on his face. "What's up babe?"

I looked down and rolled my eyes as I entered into their "living room" area. "We need to talk Thomas."

I could see the smile drop from his face. It was clear he knew basically nothing good could ever come out of those words.

"What's up Promise? I can't say I'm surprised. You were acting really weird yesterday."

"I can't do this anymore Thomas. I've given in to things that I knew I shouldn't have and now I feel terrible because of them. It's just too much of a temptation for me to continue this on. I'm sorry, but this is over."