anonymity was never an option

104: dean

While Castiel laid fast asleep with his head resting on Dean's chest, Dean couldn't help but glare at the ceiling with a sense of cluelessness.

The glowing red numbers on the clock across the room said 1:28 but he couldn't find the urge to close his eyes.

He felt the steady breathing of the boy that was nestled in his shoulder, and he couldn't help but wonder what he would do if Cas wasn't there.

What would Dean do if something happened to him?

How would he feel?

What would he do?

How would he get through it?

The thought he might not was what scared him the most.

What if Dean couldn't take it?

Dean closed his eyes in fear. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry.

But instead he took a deep breath and placed a gentle kiss on top of Castiel's head, moving very slowly as he slid his arm out from underneath his body.

With his free hand he grabbed him phone, and then he made his way across the carpet, his footsteps barely audible.

He nearly ran into the door from the lack of light, but he opened it inches before his face, leading him out into the living room.

As he walked from the carpet to hard wood, he began to unlock his phone. The light blinding him from the screen faded as he pressed on his call log.

Sammy.

He pressed on the icon and brought the phone up to his face as he sat down on the couch.

Dean prayed he would pick up.

"Come on Sammy." He whispered.

The ringing seemed to last forever. He thought he was on his own until he heard the other line click.

"Dean?" His brother's hushed voice said on the other line; half sounding surprised and half sounding worried.

"Hey Sam."

"What the hell man it's like 2 in the morning?"

"I know." Dean's voice mumbled.

"You okay?"

"I just... I don't know what to do."

"Can't this wait until tomorrow Dean? I've got a class at 8."

"Please, Sammy. I can't sleep."

"Alright well what's your mind?" He sighed.

"It's Cas. But like this is really private Sam, so please, please don't tell Jess."

"Yeah, no problem. What's up? Is he still broken up about his brother?"

"Yeah. He's um... I think he's been hurting himself while I'm asleep." Dean's voice broke.

He held his head in his hands as he watched a tear fall from his eye to the floor.

"I... thats awful..." Sam said softly.

"I can't fall asleep. I... If I do and he wakes up and he... just... what if he does it again?"

"Dean, you gotta get some sleep man. What good are you to him if you're falling out? How are you supposed to allegedly take care of him if you don't take care of yourself?"

"Sam, I can't..."

"You need to."

"I know." Dean shook his head. "God I know."

"Just relax. Put some faith in him."

"I'm trying."

"Well try harder and get your ass back in bed."

"Fine, bitch. Thanks for listening."

"Goodnight, jerk."

Dean set the phone down in his lap and he pressed the red end call button. He leaned his head back against the back of the cushion and once again stared at the ceiling.

"Here we go, again."