anonymity was never an option

45: castiel

author's note: I highly considered taking this plot point out of the story so I hope it's not too crazy it just would've been a lot for me to go back and write around it. if y'all don't like it please let me know and I'll change this whole ordeal

resume...

"So were you and Charlie ever like... a thing?" Castiel called out to Dean as they walked in the door of the apartment carrying in their grocery bags.

"What? No. No way. She's like my sister." Dean said putting milk in the fridge. "And she's into girls anyways."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Cool." Cas said with a smile as he lowered his last bag to the floor.

Across the room, in the kitchen, Dean was digging around in a bag, sorting more food to put away.

"So... were you and Balthazar ever a thing?" Dean said turning around pointing a carrot at him.

"How do you know that name?" He demanded, his smile completely gone.

"I guess you forgot that me and Gabriel actually knew each other before you came around." Dean smirked.

"Why would he talk about him?"

"I asked if you had ever had a boyfriend before. He went into some vague story about your old best friend and how he thought he could've been more." Dean shrugged pulling more things out of the paper bag.

"He was my best friend. My only friend, actually, through most of my childhood. I cared for him, yes, but no he was never my boyfriend." Cas said softly.

"What happened?"

"He died..." He whispered, his head sinking down so that he stared at the floor. "And it was my fault."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should've never brought it up. It's none of my business. I'm really sorry Cas..."

"Yeah."

After that, Castiel stood silent. He studied the floor boards, the way they pieced together, the way the dark swirls of the wood led into one another, the simplicity in natural design. The simplicity in natural order. Balthazar's death wasn't in the natural order. Nothing was in order. Nothing was natural.

"Gabe didn't tell me he died. If I would've known I would've never said a word. I shouldn't have anyways, that was a dick move. I am so so sorry Castiel."

Castiel stood motionless. There was something in the way the words hit him, that made his world stand still. Again. Like the day he watched as his best friend died in his arms. He sat motionless then. He stood motionless now.

"Cas?"

Castiel took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. He had spent so long trying to bury what happened, just for his brother to bring it up in casual conversation. Sometimes he wondered if Gabriel ever thought about what he said before it came out. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at Dean, who was now carefully walking towards him.

"I... I'm going for a walk." Cas mumbled putting his hand out to stop Dean, as he turned around to face towards the door.

"Okay." Dean nodded. "Please be careful."

Castiel put his hands in his coat pockets as he walked out the door, letting it close behind him.

Why did it have to be him?