It has been four weeks. I get to go home tomorrow. I have been so tired I have slept so much that it wasn't too bad being here this long. My pain killers make me unbearably sleepy. When it was boring and at one point miserable, I just reminded myself that it is all worth it. All the painful memories can be dropped now. Forgotten and tossed in the breeze. The good news is I get to stop my medication as soon as I am able to go home in the morning. I still have to take my male hormone blockers and my shot of female hormones every week, though. I have a family reunion next week too. Normally we go but this time I am not so sure I want to. What if they hate me? Father has come and gone again. This time he is off to Canada. He is the co owner of a very large part of the Walmart franchise and travels allot. I miss him but he makes us the money that was just spent on my insanely expensive surgery, so I can't really complain. He is always away now and has missed the last two reunions. I guess I should be used to him being gone but I'm not. Sometimes I feel like he is avoiding me. But the fact that he spent so much money on me, it was now physical proof he at least tolerated me. And that was enough right now.
Giana walks in with a cup of hospital jello. It is the nasty green vitamin jello that I've been eating along with stale bread and no salt the past four weeks. I cannot wait to get a plate of shrimp when I get home. I have missed eating freely. I almost regret the fact that I am useless currently. I wish I could walk around and help my mother around the house. Giana and I didn't have real chores but we helped when we could. I am bound to a bed and wheelchair. I have never felt so trapped. Not necessarily bad but it was just a new feeling for me. I had to be careful for a while now. I had to walk a certain way when I was actually aloud up. Now I had to move carefully. Take baths everyday and use all sorts of special creams and rubs. It was disgusting but believe me, I am not complaining. I am loving this. Being a girl feels natural. Like nothing had changed really because I always felt as though I was one inside but to be one physically was just another thing that made me smile when I woke up every morning. This happiness replaced all the hate and self loathing. I loved this life. I hadn't walked since I became Ruby. It was something symbolic in that to me. When I took my first steps as Ruby it would really be sealed. I was honestly being born again. My mother could cart me around for a while. Then I would "grow up" and walk. When I started walking it would be only two weeks before school has to start. I have to get myself together those weeks. I'll start the class that Dr. Heather recommended and just get everything together. I can get myself mentally prepared even now but still the moment I walk into that school will be the craziest and scariest moment of my life. Way worse than any stupid IV.
