Redemption [3]

What Do We Do Now?

"I guess we both had things we wanted to say to each other." What? He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the ring he tried to propose to me at Cotillion.

"Carter, we've talked about this."

"No, you talked and I listened." He holds my hands as we face each other now. "I've been in love with you Ella from that moment we bumped into each other in France. I know I will never love someone the way I love you."

"Carter, I can't do this. I can't accept this." I won't even look at the ring.

"Why? Because you're scared? I'm scared too. I'm scared of losing you all over again or messing up to the point you see me less of the man I've worked so hard to be. Everything in life is scary but I know if I have you by my side things won't be as scary."

"Why are you proposing now?"

"Because I love you and I know you feel the same way." Tears are streaming down my face as I hear Carter confess his love for me. Everything in the world is telling me that I should accept his proposal. But there is a part of me that still feels that my life isn't'supposed to be this way.

"I do love you Carter, but I'm sorry. Like I've said before I can't marry you."  He stands up frustrated and shoves the ring back in his pocket.

"Why can't you let yourself be happy Ella?"

"I am happy when I am with you Carter, but marriage is something I want to get right the first time."

And you think I would be a mistake?"

"I don't know." He shakes his head in disbelief. I know I'm confusing him but my heart is telling me marrying Carter would be a mistake. Sure, we've had a great time with each other the second time around, but there is still a part of me that wonders if I deserve more. Carter is amazing but I can't marry him or accept his proposal because I fear I will never find someone better suited for me because I already know that someone is out there. I let him go and now I've dug myself into a hole where there may be no way out.

"So, us having a child together has no weight on our relationship?"

"Carter if you are wanting to get married because we're having a baby then that should be a red flag. A baby is no reason for two people to get married. We could induce our child to unnecessary fights because we jumped into a marriage so quick and a divorce only makes things worse."

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't want to commit to marriage right this second. I love you Carter but I'm not ready to marry you or anyone for that matter. I need more time."

"And you just want me to wait for you to tell me it's okay to propose?"

"I only expect you to be the best father you can possibly be to our child no matter the state of our relationship. My child will not grow up wondering if their parents love them or having the burden of the world on them. You will love our child unconditional rather you hate me or love me." Tears are still falling down my cheeks probably making me look like a crazy person.

"I could never hate you, Ella. I just wish you could love me the way I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and it seems like you've already made up your mind." We lay back on the bed and turn to face each other.

"I wish I did make a decision or this would be a lot easier. But the truth is I don't know what my heart wants."

"I love you, Ella. I love you with all my heart." I reach out and squeeze his hand.

"I love you Carter, but us getting married won't solve anything. It will only make things worse or lead to disappointment later on in life. Given more time and we both can agree on marriage then that's what we'll do. But at this moment I can't commit. I'm not ready for that and I understand that's where you are in life and I wish nothing more than to make you happy, but I would be lying to myself and I can't do that. I can hide my feelings to the rest of the world but I can't to myself. I have to be honest with how I'm feeling."

"And I need to be honest with how I'm feeling!" Carter never gets upset like this. "You are this cold person who shows little emotion but expects me to keep loving you even if I don't feel that you love me back!"

"I've never said or made you feel like I've never loved you back!"

"We're going to be parents in less than a year and you can't even see yourself marrying m!"

"Marriage doesn't solve everything!"

"But you won't even consider it. I am wanting to give you the world and provide for our family in every way that I can. I see us living happy and having a bright future together and you can't even commit to a future together."

"Maybe because I don't see one!" Carter stops pacing and just stands in front of me.

"What do you see? Because obviously, me telling you what I see and want means shit to you."

"The future isn't certain and the idea of us living this white picket fence life is unrealistic."

"But you won't even give it a shot. You keep pushing me away every time I feel like I'm getting closer to you. I just want you to know you won't be alone and that you can love me and know that I will always be here for you," I've never seen Carter cry but right now his eyes are brimming with tears.

"So, what do you want to do now?"

"I think we need to spend some time away from all of this so we can figure out what we want from each other. I know what I want for you, but if our wants don't match I'm willing to compromise. As long as I can still be yours and you still be mine." He pulls me up and I rest my head on his shoulder as we just enjoy being in each other's arms. "I know opening up to someone is hard for you to do. I know I've hurt you in the past. Me wanting to marry you has nothing to do with the baby." I look up into his clear blue eyes. "I want to marry you because you have made me a better man. Everything I am today is because of you and having you by my side turns every day brighter and I want nothing more than for you to be mine forever." He wipes away a stray tear.

"I wish I could give you the love that you want back. I wish I could open up to you the way that you deserve, but..." Carter places his hand underneath my chin and forces me to look back at him with the same tear-filled eyes.

"I know you need time and I am willing to give you it." We share a kiss that is filled with something that I can't explain. All I know is I feel at home in Carter's arms and this is a feeling that I don't want to go away. "Now, let's say our goodbyes and head to the bed and breakfast like we planned."

"Lead the way Baizen." I kiss him one more time before following him back downstairs.

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It seems like the majority of everyone has left and it was only Serena, Nate, and weirdly enough Sage. Chuck, Blair, and Dan have already gone their separate ways and I can't help but wonder if they heard anything from our discussion upstairs.

"Is everything okay?" Serena asks.

"Uh, yeah we're fine. Thank you again for having us for dinner S." I hug her and assure her that we're fine.

"I'm so happy for you two. I know you will make amazing parents."

"I don't know about that. But we're going to do our best."

"I know I haven't always been the biggest fan of you two together." Nate steps forward and it surprises me that he is even speaking to us. "I want you two to know that whatever you need I will be here for you." I let go of Carter's hand and bring Nate into a hug.

"Thank you for your support. It means the world to me that even with everything we've been through that you can still have room in your heart for me." He leans down and kisses my forehead. 

"Take care of yourself, Ella."

"I will." Carter rests his hand on my lower back and we head to the elevator. My life will always be less than ideal, but through the craziness I know I will never be alone. Rather it's Carter or my friends who are my family, I will always have someone supporting me. I just have to learn how to let them in and accept their help.

Do you think Ella will accept Carter's proposal or will she hold out for someone else?