hands ⟶ namjin

achtunddreissig

1.5k is a lot of reads holy guac (binnnnch im reading over this a couple months later to make sure there's no spelling mistakes and we're at 10.7k this is wiiiLLddd)

tw; mention of alcohol, mention of sexual assault

namjoon walked to jin's house instead of driving. he felt that if he drove he'd be too busy focusing on the thought of jin and he'd lose track of the road and have some kind of accident, and then he'd have to explain everything to jin later, which he didn't want to do ⎯⎯ he wanted everything to be over as soon as possible; everything to be back to normal.

he eventually turned into jin's street, slowing down his brisk walk to give him more time. he was thinking long and hard about exactly what he wanted to say. of course the odd thought of 'this would be way easier over text' crossed his mind but he brushed it away, knowing that all sorts of things can be faked through text, and he didn't want jin to think for the slightest second that he was faking anything, which is why he was honest about what he did.

it made namjoon feel incredibly sick when he thought about what he did. how could he ever do that to jin?

but there was some things he didn't admit to jin about the night it happened. he never told jin that he'd even touched a drop of alcohol that night ⎯⎯ he thought that jin would take it as some lame excuse, which it wasn't. he never told jin that the guy he was with was impressively manipulative and had a lot of shit on namjoon to start off with. namjoon felt pressured into doing what he was doing, but he never said no which is what bugged him the most. he didn't tell the guy that he didn't want to do it, knowing that the guy wouldn't care in the slightest, so he just went along with it.

jin had the impression that namjoon kissed this guy first, that namjoon made the first move for everything, that namjoon was knowing exactly what he was doing. but he didn't know that the guy kissed namjoon first, and that the guy made the first move for everything and that namjoon was so drunk that he couldn't even say his own name properly.

he didn't know that this guy took advantage of namjoon's drunk state.

⭐︎

namjoon stepped up to jin's house and took a deep breath before knocking on the chocolate-coloured door. he wasn't sure how open-minded jin was going to be. he wasn't sure if this would be the last time ever talking to jin again. all he knew is that he was going to try his best to make his amends and start anew.

he saw the door swing open to show jin.he was wearing comfortable clothing ⎯⎯ shorts and a sweatshirt ⎯⎯ and he was ready to hear what namjoon had to say.

"come in.." he muttered, opening the door a little wider and gesturing for namjoon to come inside, which he did. jin led them into the living room and sunk into his sofa, pulling his legs up, hugging his knees and sitting his chin on top of them. namjoon sat next to him and inhaled deeply again.

"w-wait.. first, before you start speaking... why did you do it..?" jin asked as namjoon looked down in his lap.

"I was drunk.. and I know that's not a good enough excuse which Is why I didn't say it when I first told you.." namjoon said, looking up and not caring too much if he broke down crying, mid -sentence, "I know it's my fault, I shouldn't have drank and I should've been able to control myself better.."

"im so sorry that I hurt you, jin.. I'll understand if you don't forgive me but I just want you to know that I love you, and I never ever intended on hurting you and I don't know what I was thinking.. you're just so perfect and I don't deserve you.. you really are one in a million and you deserve someone who's not gonna hurt you like this, and as much as I want you to forgive me I know that theres good reasons you shouldn't..I don't think I'd be able to move on from you if you didn't forgive me.. I wouldn't be able to live with myself after what I've done ⎯⎯ I just want to make it up to you in whatever way you want.."

namjoon was always told to expect the unexpected, but he wanting expecting jin to lean forward and hug him like he did. the younger felt tears slowly start to run down his face as he embraced the man he loved.

jin could forgive namjoon any second, and hearing namjoon say that he loved him really made him want to give the other the second chance, but of course he would have to work to gain jin's trust back which he was one hundred percent prepared to do.

they sat in each others arms for what seemed like forever, but namjoon still felt like he shouldn't be forgiven, and still felt as guilty as he did before. the eventually pulled away from each other, both of them with puffy eyes.

"sorry.. I got your hoodie wet.." namjoon apologised, wiping his eyes. jin giggled, wiping his own eyes too.

there was a comfortable silence for a moment as the two locked eyes before jin leant forward again but instead of hugging him, jin pressed his lips onto namjoon's, who kissed back in return. he pulled namjoon closer to him and wrapped his arms around him. their kiss was passionate and full of love, as if it was jin's way of telling namjoon that he forgave him.

"namjoon.." jin said, pulling away from the kiss and looking into namjoon's eyes, "were you conscious enough to give consent when you were drunk...?"

namjoon thought for a moment before shaking his head. "I could barely pronounce words correctly.. he kind of pressured me into it, I guess? .. but it doesn't matter, I still ch-"

"namjoon, that means it wasn't your fault, that means if anything you should be more hurt than me.. he took advantage of you." jin stated, his eyes full of sorrow.

namjoon looked down. he still blamed himself, and he always would blame himself. he didn't deserve someone as good as kim seokjin.

"joonie, look at me" jin said. namjoon looked at jin who put a short, soft kiss on his lips before saying, "I love you too."