InsaneStuck [Sollux x Karkat]

Chapter 35: Think About It

THOUGHTS:

I can't do it anymore. These constant nightmares, the migraines, the constant reminder of what has happened and what will.... I'm in control and I haven't lost my mind... I feel sane... But am I truly? Those around me give me unsettling stares. They look at me like I'm trash. Like I'm a low life. Nothing but a disgusting waste of space and time. Yes I know at least one person loves me... But when you're an outcast of society and shunned for something you were forced to create... it's hard.

Yes I've done and said things I regret... but is it really worth the time here? On this god forsaken planet full of judgmental faces and scorn?

I've pondered the idea of joining my sister Aradia. Of course. If someone were in my shoes, seen what I've seen, felt what I've felt, they would of lost it by now. Why haven't I? What is giving me this will power to go on and not just end it all here and now?

That's when I think and look at the one true person who cares. The one who has always stuck by my side even when he couldn't. The one person who really, really loves me...

Without Karkat, fuck, where would I even be right now? Laughing my ass off in some asylum and living off my days in infinite insanity? Most likely. He's practically my "savior" or something like that.

You know what I am? Caught like a fly in a web of lies, and I'm drained absolutely dry. They did this to me. They forced me to do things, see things, that I could never undo, live down, or forget. I have HELPED them ruin lives. All for this? For feeling so LOW? For contemplating my own death as I sit here? What even lead me to think about this? Ha. That right there is a stupid question. I always think about this. ALWAYS.

And that is my problem. I'm stuck in my thoughts and I cannot get out no matter how hard I try. Stuck with the memories, the pain and the suffering of the lost and broken. Yes this may be morbid- no this is DEFINITELY morbid- but do I give a single ounce of flying fuck? No. No I do not. And there's no one protesting either.

So as I lay here, with my matesprit cuddled up to me, at 6 in the morning on a Monday, I think of things like this. Yeah.... I guess I see where I stand.

Anyway, as I was sa- thinking

My parents... I don't even know where to begin with them. I helped them for years... Ever since I learned my first code... which was probably about five years old.... I was a smart as fuck wriggler. I skipped the monster truck and Godzilla faze or whatever these humans call it, and went straight for computers. That's where the problems started. My mother and father introduce me to the "Family Business". Yes... it's all coming back to me now. This so called business called for killing people and stealing every last drop of their checking and savings account.

The first kill I performed was at age nine. A Jade blooded family. I didn't want to do it, but my mother threatened AA's life, so I had no choice in the matter. I never was the same after that, until my father made me forget after my grades began to drop...

All the things they forced me to do, I've had enough. I have to expose them. I have too... I... WAIT! In the dream I had yesterday Morning.... There was something in the background that I hadn't though much of until now... there was a red dot... the red dot... THAT WAS A CAMERA LIGHT! That's it... that's what I was forgetting! They used to record all of their kills as a sort of trophy of the "masterpieces", as they would call it, they created. They hold them in a safe in a secret room in the basement! I knew it! How could I have forgotten something like this?? If I get my hands on those tapes.. they'll be ruined... Put on Death Row.

And my name would be cleared.. wouldn't it...? But... what if they trial me for the acts I have committed....

Would I be put on Death Row too?