apartment 23 // mitchel cave

9

mitchel's p.o.v.
i slowly opened my eyes up and looked around the unfamiliar room. the room that me and the girl lying next to me filled with either lust or love last night. it's hard to tell. the thought of love scared me a little bit. i didn't do "love".

i turned over to look at her. her black hair was splayed out all over her pillow and her back was turned to me. i knew how she felt about me; she probably worried that we were moving too fast. and i felt the same. in a way i felt bad about last night. i hadn't let it go all the way although we did mess around a bit. i stopped it before we had gone too far and i knew that's probably what she would have wanted too. she fell asleep in my arms, her soft breathing lulling me to sleep. despite not actually having sex with her, i knew deep down that i shouldn't have even started, especially if i wanted to prove to her that i wasn't just trying to get a quick fuck out of her like the other girls. maybe we were moving too fast. i hope she doesn't get bored of me.

i just sat there thinking for a while, i'm not sure how long. maybe she would move on from me and find someone better and more worthy of her time. but maybe she would stay with me. just maybe. the intimacy we had shared last night was enough to give me hope that maybe she would stick around with me, despite my struggles. she had already done so much for me, it was insane.

i began tracing tiny shapes into her bare back and she began to stir awake. she turned over onto her other side to face me, her big green eyes staring straight into mine.

"you're finally awake," i joked around with her. she cracked a smile in my direction and yawned while stretching out her arms.

"listen, i want to talk." i said seriously as i sat up in the bed.

she looked over concerned and asked, "what's up? is something wrong?"

"nothing's wrong, i just feel guilty. i shouldn't have started that last night."

"mitchel, you don't have to apologize. if i didn't want it i would have stopped you." she said as she grabbed my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. i looked down at our hands together.

"i'm just worried we might be moving too fast..." i said, looking over at her. i could tell she was processing my words in her head.

"i feel the same." she mumbled before looking down at her lap. i hadn't meant to crush her mood. i scooted over closer to her so i could wrap my arms around her. she smelled like lavender and it relaxed my nerves, which were completely shot in that moment.

"i think i need time to think about us, mitchel." she mumbled, looking up at me. i nodded before moving off of the bed. i grabbed my jeans and put them on, and then grabbed my jacket and slipped it on. i felt bad leaving her, but it's what she wanted and i didn't want to lose what we had created this past week. i walked back over to where she sat on the bed and grabbed her hand. i placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand before making my way out of her apartment.

once i was in the main hallway, i decided i didn't want to go back to my apartment. i walked down the hallway. i suddenly felt the desperate need to have a smoke. i reached into my pocket, grabbed a cigarette, and lit it. i took a deep inhale from the cigarette and allowed the nicotine to fill my lungs. i slowly exhaled the smoke as i exited the apartment complex. they had strict rules against smoking in the building but i never cared enough to follow them.

i walked around aimlessly through the city for what felt like hours, just casually puffing on countless amounts of cigarettes. they didn't seem to be doing the trick of easing my nerves today. my mind instantly flicked to the white powder that had been the center of my life before i had gone clean. it was sad that i instantly turned to cocaine the minute i couldn't cope with something. i tried to shake it from my mind but i simply couldn't. i craved the dopamine. angeline would be upset with me.

i scrolled through my contacts until i found my dealer; i don't know why i didn't delete his number when i had gotten off the substance in the first place. maybe i knew i would need him again. i rang him and arranged a meet-up with him a few streets down. i hurriedly walked down the streets, careful not to make eye contact with people. i had no idea what had gotten into me. this wasn't the same me that had woken up in angeline's bed this morning. this wasn't true to me.

i quickly walked up to the man that i had purchased from countless times before, careful not to make direct eye contact. i slipped him the money and he slipped me the baggie filled with the white powder. i gave him a nod and walked off, praying that this would be the final time i ever had to see him again. i imagined what my mother would think of me. she would be disappointed. so very disappointed.

i made it back to my apartment and quickly stepped inside, making sure i locked it behind me. i walked over to my small sofa and turned on the lamp beside it. it barely lit the room.

i poured a bit of the white powder onto the coffee table and began sorting it out into lines.

three lines. straight to the brain.

i quickly snorted them and sat back on the sofa, closing my eyes. the burning sensation that ravaged my nose always felt like it wouldn't ever go away. i wondered what angeline was doing. was she thinking about me just like i was thinking about her? i imagined her breaking through my door and catching me sitting in front of a baggie filled with white powder. i had told her i would try to straighten out for her. of course, like usual, i fucked that up. the cocaine was already in my system so it was too late to turn back now. i had let myself down.

i laughed to myself as it felt like i was floating away. away from everything i had stressed out about this morning. everything that had happened between me and the girl across the hall from me.

what had gotten into me?