parenthood

Episode 20; Baby Steps

"I'm just so nervous! Everything is getting so real, it was different with you," Zayn confesses combing through his thick black hair while I prepared lunch for Scout and I. I had decided to take up cooking since Harry wasn't around all of the time. I knew I wasn't going to be as great as a chef as him but I thought I would try since Tacos and cereal were getting a little old.

"How is it different?" I ask him while Scout screams happily at the TV that plays non stop with baby cartoons. She crawls around and plays with her toys that are permanently scattered over the surface of the living room.

"Do we need to bring up the fact that for the entire nine months we weren't sure who the baby daddy was. This time Lyndsay knows it's me. I'm just scared! I don't know if I can even be a dad!" Zayn stressed going on a tangent while I cut up some carrot, casually eating them as I go.

"Yes you can, I see how you ummm....." I avert my eyes to Zayn then Scout who busily plays by the couch then back to Zayn again. "I see how you can... well.... how you.. you know..."

Zayn arches a brow and waits for my reply, "how I what?"

"How you.... acknowledge Scout," I tell him.

He sighs out and slide off the chair and paces, "Zayn!" I go after him and spin him around to see his sad looking face.

"I'm hopeless Madeline, what kind of father am I going to be?" Zayn asks me with a long face etched with sadness and anxiety. I give him a sideways smile and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Listen to me, you are going to be a great dad. You are going to be present, you are going be loving, and caring, and everything that a father should be," I tell him, his soft brown eyes gaze into mine as if he is searching for some sort of answer.

"How do you know that? How do you know I'm not going to be some deadbeat that has no clue what he's doing?" Zayn asks me with dad eyes that longed for some reassurance.

"Because I know your heart and I know that you care too much. I know you hide under this leather jacket, you act like a hard ass that doesn't care but I see right through that. I know you and I know you will be great," I tell Zayn, I embrace him and feel his arms wrap around me like a rope. He rests his chin in my shoulder and stay here for as long as he needs.

He pulls away slightly and I feel his hand snake up to support the back of my head. Everything happens to fast and before I can't even grasp what is happening I feel his lips press against mine. I'm frozen and unable to move as he kisses me again one last time, my cheeks flush and I clench my fists.

"What are you doing?" I ask him stepping back after I regained some of my recollection. I was confused and overwhelmed by what had just happened.

"I don't know..." he answers in a whisper as I give an expression of discomfort and uneasiness.

"This can't happen... me and you, it can't and it won't," I tell him sternly. However, I would be lying if I said that kiss didn't make make feel something. I couldn't think about that though, I was going to get married! I was with the only man I've ever wanted, I couldn't let this ruin that. I was happy with Harry and my life, I am the happiest I had ever been and this wasn't going to throw me in for a loop.

"I know I'm sorry," Zayn says to me still in a hushed tone.

"If we were meant to be we would have been by now," I tell Zayn stammering. He had worked so hard to get over me, to put his feelings towards someone else.

"I know that but I don't think I will ever fully get over you. I will always love you Madeline," Zayn tells me causing my heart to tinge in my chest. It squeezes and twists rendering my speechless to what he had to say.