Everything About You

Chapter Eighteen

Hello, Can you PLEASE do me a huge favor?

I was writing this chapter, and I as I came to the closing sentences, I realized..

this would be the prefect spot to stop the whol story, and have an epilouge, or even a sequel. I can't decide, so can you PLEASE leave a comment telling me whether I should continue or cut off here.

It will only take a few seconds, pleaaaaaaaase.

<3 Briana xx

Hate, loss, sadness, regret. Why me? Are most of the thoughts in my mind nowadays.

It’s been a month since I lost the baby. Four whole weeks of my baby attached to my body. She was trying to grow, and be strong and be healthy, and now she just has to stay inside of me. ‘Watching’ as her sister grows and become strong and is eventually born.

I cannot lie, this has been the hardest thing I have ever endured in my life. But to everyone else’s surprise I am taking it ‘Very well.’ Harry wanted to go to therapy together, but the last thing I want to do is sit in a room, with a person who tries to tell us they know how we feel, and explain what’s going on in my mind. The things that I think scare me. I don’t even want to tell Harry the things running through my thoughts, let alone a stranger.

Harry hasn’t trusted me to be alone, which I completely understand…

As much as I want to deny it, a suicidal thought has crossed my mind once, … or twice.

So the few days that Harry actually goes into the studio or goes for interviews Analicia ‘hangs out with me.’

A month ago this would have been hanging out. Good times with my best friend, but now it’s just a babysitter. She is trying to understand how I feel, bless her heart, but she just doesn’t get it. Our days together usually consist of me eventually getting out of bed at around noon or one o’clock, only to come out to a full breakfast made, that I usually just ignore, I sit on the couch turn on the TV, and then I usually drift back to sleep. Within thirty minutes she wakes me up, takes me to my room, undresses me, helps me in the shower, lays out clean clothes for me, and then puts me back to bed until Harry gets home.

I cannot thank my best friend enough. She makes this food she knows I won’t eat and cleans up the mess every day, she does my laundry, changes me, washes my sheets, but the thing I am most thankful for that she does, or should I say doesn’t do.. Is she doesn’t ask me how I am doing, or if I want to talk, or tell me things will be okay.

I don’t want to hear that, because I know, and she knows, I am not okay, everything will not be ‘fine’ and I especially do not want to talk.

After I go back to bed, Harry is usually home at around three, and he comes in our room, puts on his pajamas, and crawls into bed with me.

He holds me for hours, and usually we cry together.

We’ve cried together every night since it happened.

I thought for sure this would rip our relationship apart, but it only brought closer.

Our relationship isn’t healthy, though, we need to move on because in two short months, our baby will be here.

As hard as this has been, and always will be..

I want to move on and be able to think about our beautiful baby girl in heaven, and one day tell our daughter that she had an amazing sister who gave her own life up so she was able to live a better life.

I want to look back and think this brought us closer as a family.

I know in the end we will be okay, but to be ‘okay’ we have to travel a path.

And this path has nothing but bumps in the road for us.

The only thing we are sure of is that we are on this road together.