Feeling

Chapter 5 - Rock Bottom

After finding out that my mum was under heavy surveillance at hospital due to her new illness, my mind completely blanked, University became a blur again and the only thing keeping me from going insane was Ben. At lunch times he’d push me to the canteen where we’d grab lunch and he’d try to talk but mispronounce words, as he was unable to hear himself, sometimes he spoke so loudly I had to sign to him to be quiet. It was nice to have someone to talk to. Often he sat next to me and put his hand on my knee under the table while we were talking to friends. I never noticed until one lunch time he pointed it out to me, and I remembered that I couldn’t feel my legs.

We sat there for ages, and he rubbed my knee with his thumb, I watched his gentle hand gracefully play my leggings, and I tried to imagine what it would feel like. From memory I couldn’t make much, I tried so hard to imagine the feeling of him touching me that it almost felt real… I averted my mind before upsetting myself.

Every evening Natalie picked me up to take me to the hospital to see mum, I apologised to her so much, and told her I loved her, but every day the doctors told me that things weren’t looking good, causing my mum to write a will.

It was very badly written, but after being translated from a load of scribbles it roughly read the following:

Will

If I die soon, all my films and books and jewellery will go to my daughter, all my money to my daughter, I want her to be happy and to find true love like I did. To find someone who accepts her for who she is.

My partner is only young, we are not married and never will be, I want him to find new love. Someone to love him and care for him as much as I do.

Any possessions go to him. My promise ring, goes to him.

Do not bury me, keep my ashes safe, with anything else that you wish.

Don’t forget me. And I won’t forget you.

As I read what she wrote over and over again, I noticed one thing that stood out. “Who accepts her for who she is.” I’m not sure what she meant, was it because I was paralyzed? I moved on quickly from the will and prayed that she would be okay.

Months went by of her getting worse and worse, until December 23rd, when we visited her, to find that she had drifted to sleep. Endless sleep.

The next day was Christmas eve, we really weren’t in a Christmas mood, and Natalie had come by to help us clear things away, my dad decided to leave a colouring book in the drawer of his bedside table, and he kept my mums pocket watch above the fireplace, and other than that nearly all things were moved to the loft. I kept one thing from her. It was a photograph of me and my mum, I was a baby, it was the day she adopted me, she’s holding me in one arm, and a sign in the other which read “You’re more special than the others. We got to CHOOSE you.” I taped it to the corner of my mirror as a reminder, and cried for the rest of the evening. I abolished the idea of staying strong and wept for two days straight, I practically missed Christmas.

I remember Ben coming round on the boxing day, to make sure I was alright, but I shot him down and shooed him away. Everything seemed to be falling apart.

I reckon it was around February when things started to get more normal, Natalie was still coming round to talk to dad and make sure he was okay, which was nice of her, seeing as she wasn’t being paid to do so. Ben and I spent more and more time together even outside of University, and he often put his hand on my knee and told me to imagine the feeling.

I had to think so hard, back to a long time ago, with my last boyfriend when I was 16, we were sat in the park together, and he put his hand on my knee, I felt butterflies in my stomach as I felt the warmth of his palm go through my clothes and onto my skin, I almost cried remember the feeling, and knowing I’d never feel it again. As I started to get upset Ben stopped and told me to calm myself, he wrapped his arms around me and I breathed deeply into his neck. Feeling his heart beat on me was so relaxing.

Me and Ben started dating in March, I still wasn’t sure of my feelings for him, but he still had them for me and I thought I could get them back. However as much as i tried to fall in love with him i just couldn't. Something was not right. I broke the news to him after around 3 weeks, and he was devastated. Honestly, I didn’t feel too bad about it all. At least he had his shot.

At home things were weird. Kinda good weird. I guess. Natalie was around a lot, and cooking us a lot of dinners, her voice didn’t seem as high pitched anymore, I guess it was just her work voice. She was treating me like a sister, maybe even a daughter, and was being super nice. Her and dad were getting along great, and he had a smile on his face whenever she was around. I suppose for him it was nice to have someone there all the time for him when mum was leaving, because I was being quite temperamental.

One of the days in April Natalie took me out shopping, to London! We spent a whole day in London, we went to Covent garden, Leicester square, Piccadilly circus, we bought loads of clothes and she paid for the majority of them. At the time I gathered dad had given her money, but when I look back I’m not so sure. It was clear she was sucking up to me, but I couldn’t quite get why.

I found out why when I got home. Her and Dad were seeing eachother.

** I really appreciate all the reads i hope everyone is enjoying it so far. I know it can be quite tragic and depressing but trust me things are going to get better**