(A/N: 🚧PLEASE READ🚧 This chapter was written because I rediscovered the song 'trasatlanticism' by Death Cab For Cutie and it put me into a very emotional place with memories and such so please be warned there is angst. 🚨ANGST WARNING🚨 Also please please listen to the song. It will put you into a place where you can really feel this drabble. I was crying at 1am writing this so expect feelings! Thank you so much, I really hope you enjoy it. ~SP)
(A/N: Please please please listen to the song either before reading or if you can, play it while you're reading this. I just think it will make everything that much more intense. Alright, thank you. ~SP)
"You called?" Spock asked as he entered Kirk's room. His tone was professional and stiff.
"Come sit with me Spock, I wanna talk to you about something." Jim motioned for Spock to sit on the bed with him.
"I would rather stand, If you don't mind." Spock replied, not looking down at Kirk.
"Alright." Kirk said standing up as well. He then walked over to lean against the wall by his bed. "I wanted to talk about..." he paused for a moment. "... us."
"If this conversation is not necessary at this moment or is not time sensitive I would like to ask to be excused and return to my duties." Spock said, once again not looking at Kirk. Kirk leaned further into the wall, almost trying to disappear.
"Spock." Jim's voice was broken and tired. "Why do I feel like you're 1,000 miles away from me right now?" He turned his head away so he wasn't looking at Spock. He knew if he had his heart would only break more.
"I am right here, Captain." Spock said emotionlessly.
"Captain?" Jim felt himself recoil from the formality. "Spock..." he trailed off. "Why do I feel like everyday we're taking one step forward and two steps back?" He whispered this mostly to himself so he was surprised when Spock didn't respond. "Spock, I just- I" he stopped and took a breath. He wrapped his arms around himself as he felt tears stinging his eyes. "I really need you right now." His voice broke and the tears fell.
Spock said nothing and Jim held himself tighter.
"Spock I- I get that emotions are hard for you, I get that- I do, but I just- I need you to tell me what's wrong." He was wiping tears away. "I need to know what's wrong because I can't deal with you calling me 'Captain' and I can't deal with you doing everything in your power to keep from touching me and-and and I just I need to know if you still want to be with me and-" Jim cut himself off with a sob. "I just feel really alone right now and I... I need you, Spock." He was leaning back against the wall of the bedroom staring at the ground as his vision blurred with tears. He kept tightening his own grip around his body as if trying to hold himself together. As if at any moment he would start collapsing in on himself or falling apart.
Still Spock stood, back turned. He stood tall, his shoulders squared, his body unmoving. A tall dark silhouette in the center of the room compared to Kirk, who was huddled in on himself pressed bed against a wall.
"Please?" Kirk begged, his eyes closed, forcing out tears. "Please." He didn't know what he was begging for, but he needed it. The loneliness and emptiness shook his body as he slid down the wall, bringing his knees to his chest. "Did I?" He tried to ask a question, but was cut off by his own tears. "Did I do something wrong?" He had his arms wrapped around his knees and he was shaking.
"Captain-" Spock started.
"Stop!" Kirk shouted, the tears streaming down his face. He stood up and felt his entire body flex. "Please just stop." He wrapped one arm around himself and held the other one out almost to distance himself from Spock. He felt so alone but if Spock had touched him then with his cold hands and emotionless face he wouldn't have been able to stand it.
