Autumn

43: When Autumn called

It was 11:39 p.m. when Theodore's phone buzzed. He didn't think it was an important notification, especially this late. When he flipped his phone over, he was expecting an app alert about a stupid game he had downloaded, or a ping from a promotional email or a message from Dominos tempting him to buy a pizza and three sides. 

He was not expecting a missed call from Autumn.

When his screen lit up and displayed her name on his screen, his heart squeezed. He wasn't sure how he felt. Was it relief or fear or anger or hurt or happiness? He couldn't tell. All he knew was that he was confused. 

He hadn't talked to her since the day she had left the neighbouring house. It had been months. So, why now? Did she need something? Was she hurt?

A second later, his phone vibrated again and up popped a text notification that he had received a new voicemail. His stomach was doing somersaults. In fact, it was doing more than somersaults; it was doing backflips and handstands and cartwheels and it was a fucking gymnasium in there. He suddenly regretted the extra guacamole he had with his nachos. 

With shaking fingers, he unlocked his phone. He wanted so desperately to ignore the voicemail. It was so easy when it was literally anyone else. But Autumn wasn't just anyone. So with a deep breath, he dialled the number to listen.

Hi? Uh...hi, Theodore. It's Autumn. I hope you're well. I hope you had a good graduation! I hope Helen is well. Please say hello to Winston for me. I... I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I didn't want to end things the way we did. I didn't want us to end. I may have kept things from you, but the things I did tell you were true. They were honest. When I told you I loved you that night, I meant it with all my heart. The circumstances were shitty and my timing was awful, but I wasn't lying. I'm sorry for putting you in that situation though and for confusing you and not considering your feelings. I was scared and panicked and I was desperate not to lose you. It did more damage than good though and I see that now. So I'm sorry, Theodore. I really am. However, I am also really grateful. I appreciate the time we spent together, the memories we made, the happiness I felt when I was with you. I will forever treasure it all. Anyways, that's all I have to say. I don't expect a reply back, I just really needed to say this. I hope you're healthy and happy. Best of luck with everything!

Theodore felt heavy. His head suddenly felt like it was the weight of a cannon ball and his heart like it was filled with lead. He sunk down into his bed and laid there, staring up at the ceiling. He was just starting to heal, but now he felt like he was spiralling back down again. He swallowed. 

And just like that, it was 4:03 a.m. and Theodore had spent the past four hours staring at his ceiling; his mind full, but unable to think. When he managed to stand, it was already five so he jumped into the shower. The hot water stung but it relieved the stiffness in his limbs. The steam freshened up his mind.

When he returned to his bedroom, Theodore picked up his phone and deleted the voicemail. He didn't have to think twice. He knew it would be unhealthy to keep it, he knew he would be tempted to replay it over and over again. So, the most reasonable option was just to get rid of it entirely.

He knew the call had good intensions and he appreciated the effort.

But he wasn't ready to forgive Autumn yet.

Because first he had to forgive himself.