Autumn

37: When fireworks explode

Autumn was only in town for two weeks, so she spent every waking moment with Theodore. They went on little drives down to the beach, walked to the supermarket to buy ingredients so they could bake together, snuck into late night movies and kissed until their lips were numb.

But the time they spent apart was far better than the time they were together. When they were alone, they didn't have to keep up appearances and fake smiles. Instead, they faced the reality that their relationship was coming to an inevitable end. And although it hurt them both to a point where they could barely breathe, it didn't even compare to the pain they felt when they were together and had to pretend.

Theodore was sick of playing their game of make believe.

And so one night...he snapped.

The sky was clear that evening, so some neighbours across the street decided to have a little gathering. Music was playing inside the house, but the party was brought outside. The front lawn was littered with people, holding drinks and wearing smiles.

"This is ridiculous."

"I know. I'm usually so good at solitaire." Autumn scrunched up her face in thought as she stared down at the cards. "I swear to god I'm already out of moves."

Behind her, Theodore could see the neighbours passing out sparklers.

"I'm not talking about the game."

"Hm?" she hummed, fanning a card by her face as she looked down at the set up in front of her.

"Autumn."

The way he said her name was utterly frightening, like it was filled with so much hate and poison, bitterness and pain. It was such a stark contrast from the loving, lyrical way her name passed through his lips and it took Theodore aback.

But what was scariest of all was that he sounded alarmingly like his father when he said Helen's name, filled with resentment and anger. Theodore's heart tightened in response and he swallowed, feeling his face flush with absolute horror.

Autumn stared at him, her lips parted. Warm breath escaped from her mouth and materialised in the cold air in front of her, temporarily placing a light fog over her widened eyes. Theodore's heart beat itself in his ribcage just looking at her expression.

"Autumn," he repeated, much more softly.

"What's wrong?" she whispered.

They were talking so quietly that their words had to be caught by the wind and travel through the air to be whispered into their ears. And even though the conversation was so incredibly soft, it felt as if the whole world could hear.

"I'm sick of pretending."

Autumn couldn't meet his gaze when she apologised and for some reason, that hurt him. He could feel his eyes well up with frustration so he kept his gaze on the neighbours, watching as a box of matches was produced from someone's pocket and the sparklers were lit.

They were bright and beautiful, light spilling to the ground like little fallen stars. And seeing those sparks ignited its own little fire deep inside the pit of Theodore's stomach.

"I hate how you didn't tell me what was going on. Don't you trust me?"

Autumn finally looked up, her eyes desperately searching like she barely recognised him. "Of course I trust you, Theodore. I'm scared, okay? I'm so scared. My parents are getting a divorce, my mother is having another man's child, I have to move again. I don't know how to handle this. It's is so god damn hard and I--"

"You what?" he interrupted. His own monstrous thoughts acted as fuel to feed the fire of rage quickly spreading through his veins. "You were just going to run away, weren't you? You were going to pack your bags and disappear in the middle of the night without telling me. If I hadn't caught you sneaking out, you wouldn't have told me."

Theodore was just babbling at this point, an angry river pouring from his lips. It was relentless, his words wanting to make someone drown in suffering. He wasn't even sure what he was arguing about. All he knew was that he was angry. Angry at Autumn.

But when she could do nothing but look at him, rather than prove him wrong and defend herself, he realised that all his manic thoughts were perhaps somewhat true.

"I can't do this right now," he said, standing up from his position on the ground.

"No, wait." Autumn's words were desperate, her tone rising in panic and fear. "Please, Theodore. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Whatever. Look, we're just so different, you know? I knew you were too out of my league. This whole relationship was just something to keep you entertained. We both know for a fact that if you hadn't hit me on the head with a bloody basketball, you wouldn't have noticed me." He was breathless, his head whirring with thoughts that his mouth couldn't keep up with.

"That's not true at all! Theodore... Theodore, I..." She looked like a panicked animal, hopeless and afraid. Her chest was heaving as she gazed up at him with a frantic look in her eyes. "Theodore, I love you..."

He was struck by lightening, her words plunging such a painful pleasure straight through his chest that he felt breathless. He drank up the words like a starving man, relishing in the way it made him feel so alive.

Then came the crashing realisation that she didn't mean it. She was just caught up in the fight. And it was like the fragments of his heart were sucked completely dry and it hurt. It hurt so fucking much. His shoulders sagged and he looked down, feeling deflated.

"I'll talk to you later, okay?"

As he turned to walk away from her, he saw that the last of the sparklers had died across the street out and all that was left was darkness. He realised that the angry fire coursing through his veins had also been watered down.

And all that was left was emptiness.