Lost In You

S I X T E E N

I tapped my nails expectantly against the wood of my desk, staring intensely at my screen, nearly willing it to turn on.

Come on, please, I mentally begged as I held down the power button. I was waiting for a call from Kara, and she wouldn't be happy if I missed it. The door clicked and Alannah walked in, my roommate. I could tell by the sour expression on her face that she'd just come back from one-on-one.

"How'd it go?" I asked, ignoring the way she paced. A lot of the girls here paced, and walked fast everywhere. Sometimes I caught a couple of them running up and down the stairs.

I was counting the days until I got out of here.

43, to be precise.

Alannah grumbled a response before stalking out the door again.

"Okay then," I muttered and turned my attention back to the laptop. Finally, it powered up with a whizz and moments later I was logged into skype, waiting for a call.

These calls were the highlight of my week, to be honest. It was horrible here. So many of the girls didn't want to get better. Everyone had their tricks of staying thin. I glanced down at my stomach and pinched the skin there, noticing the thin layer of fat that I had gained over the month I had been here. I realised now that I wanted to get better, I didn't want to be like this for the rest of my life. In and out of treatment, constantly cold and hungry, the fainting, headaches, I wanted it all gone. I had forgotten what it felt like to be full.

I wanted to be better.

Kara's call interrupted my train of thought and I rushed to answer it.

"Hey girl!" She squealed when she came on camera, a bright grin splitting her doll face in two.

"Hey, chick," I grinned back and pushed down the lump in my throat. 

"How's it going?" She asked, settling back into the pillows on her bed. There was no judgement in her voice, no fake curiosity or lack of genuine concern. She spoke to me like I was on holiday, not in treatment, and she won't ever understand how much I appreciate that, even though I tell her every time.

"It's alright, I have my days," I answered honestly, "How's things at home?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah, it's good. I'm so jealous that you get an extended break," She teased. I was coming home a week before summer holidays, so there was no point in me going back to school to finish. although I would still graduate with everyone else.

I laughed and shrugged, "I can't believe we're graduating, it doesn't feel real."

"I know," She laughed.

"Tyler misses you," She continued, her voice suddenly quiet. My stomach plummeted to the floor at the mention of his name. We hadn't talked since I left, and my heart ached for him. I missed his jokes and his kindness, and how he knew me. I just missed him.

"Bri, come on, it's been a month and he's been a wreck, just talk to him, please?" She begged. I took a deep breath as my therapist's voice filled my mind.

Don't punish yourself through him, Tyler seemed to really care about you, everyone has their flaws, and the same way you hid your troubles, maybe he's doing the same...

I nodded, "I'll message him."

I was surprised by my own words. I'd vowed that I wouldn't talk to him until I got back, but I couldn't ignore the ache in my chest anymore.

I needed him.

Kara squeaked but was interrupted by the doorbell ringing, "That'll be Mason, talk next week? Love you," She grinned and hung up, leaving me to stare at the screen in silence.

I clicked open Messenger and started a new message to him.

He was currently online.

Me: Hey. Can we talk?

I pressed send and waited anxiously for a reply, even though it was a basic message. Seconds passed before my laptop pinged.

Tyler: Hey, stranger. Is everything okay?

Me: Yeah, everything's fine. How are you?

Tyler: Take a guess.

Me: Absolutely perfect?

Tyler: Very funny. I've had better days.

Me: Yeah, me too.

Tyler: Why'd you message? You made it pretty clear we were done.

Me: I know. I'm really sorry, I just want to talk it out like we should've done at the time.

Tyler: Can I call you? I miss your voice.

I hesitated before typing out my reply, trying to calm my beating heart and the butterflies in my stomach.

Me: Yes.

A minute passed before my phone rang, Tyler's laughing face filled the screen and tugged at my heart. I remembered the day I took that photo. We'd gone to the lake with Kara and Mason.

"Hello?" I answered, my voice hoarse.

"Hey," He breathed, and I could just picture him, sitting on the edge of his bed. His elbows leant on his knees.

"Hey," I said quietly.

Silence followed.

"I'm so sorry," I blurted at the same time that he did. I chuckled.

"You talk," He laughed, my heart swelled at the sound.

"I'm so sorry, for how I acted. It was childish and stupid and I regret it so much, I hope you can forgive me," I explained, picking at the hem of my t-shirt.

What If he doesn't forgive me?

"Of course, I forgive you, I said some awful things too," He assured.

"So, we're even?" I asked, letting out the breath I didn't know I'd been holding.

"I'd say so," He chuckled softly. I had forgotten what his voice had sounded like. We talked for another hour, filling each other in on the last month of our lives that we'd missed. When we finally hung up, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much and my stomach ached from laughter. I'd forgotten what it felt like to laugh like that.

"Only 43 days left," I murmured to myself as I flicked off the light and curled up in bed, waiting for sleep to wash over me, imagining Tyler's arms around me instead of the scratchy blanket and rough sheets.

---

I'm thinking i might have more texting scenes?? idk. 

But yay! Finally they're talking again.

I love them so much agh.

- K