Mistakes I Made | The Walking Dead

Part 6

I bit down into the clean, soft skin of the pear a woman had handed me on my way back through the Kingdom, enjoying the luxury of fresh fruit while still trying to figure out how soon I could get out of this place.

"Where ya been?" Daryl asked lowly as I passed him up the stairs, bringing me back from my zoned out state.

"I uh," I paused, looking out over the busy Kingdom from the new vantage point I had on the deck of the building, "Around." I shrugged, gesturing into the distance and not really having much else to say.

"Around?" He repeated, standing up from where he sat on the stairs, "The hell has gotten into ya?"

"A lots going on, Daryl, if you haven't noticed," I scoffed, "It's just- I'm trying to figure things out, ok?"

"If this is 'bout us, I told ya, I still care 'bout ya-"

"It's not just about us, it's-" I paused, sighing, "Everything-- all of it." I admitted, "We keep losing everyone we care about and yet we're all still relentlessly trying to go after Negan, pretending like the same thing isn't going to happen again-"

"That's 'cause it ain't-"

"Are you kidding me?" I laughed, cutting him off, "Let's not forget about the amount of people Negan has; he outranks us in soldiers and artillery, but for some reason we think that by scrounging up a few gardeners from the Hilltop that we're going to take down everything he's created."

Daryl shook his head, letting off any frustration that had already built as he paced for a moment, "Ya know that things between the Saviors and this place ain't as peachy as that King makes 'em seem, right?" He asked, "It's just a matter of time-"

"Everything is just a matter of time now." I stopped him, feeling like I was the only one who was thinking clearly, "It's just a matter of time before Negan finds out we're gone, a matter of time before he sends people out to find us, and a matter of time before someone else ends up dead." I sighed, "I just want to be back around the people I actually care about while I can be, ok?"

"If ya wanna leave then we'll go." Daryl offered, "Ain't nothin' holdin' us here but a couple of walls."

I bit at the inside of my cheek, looking around at the peace that was contained inside of the Kingdom walls and wondering to myself if I was willing to give that up and risk being caught, "Maybe-- I don't know." I shrugged.

"Ya said ya wanted outta here-"

"Yeah, but I don't want to get anyone killed in the process." I cut him off, knowing what could happen if we ran into the Saviors, or worse, Negan.

"Well when ya make up ya damn mind," Daryl began, lighting a cigarette, "Let me know."

***

I spent the rest of the day getting to know people around the Kingdom, but feeling more and more homesick with each new face I encountered, making me want to isolate myself.

Being alone only made me realize how stupid I was for giving in to Negan's manipulative ways-- how brainwashed I had become to give him so many chances when he never deserved a single one. I have no doubt in my mind that he is the most evil man I've ever met, and yet, I still tried so hard to find the good in him. I wish I could say I didn't know why I did that, but the truth is, it's kind of been a running theme; trying to fix a guy that I knew would never love me like I loved them, only to leave me feeling like I did something wrong. And that's what I thought would happen with Daryl.. but he was different-- he is different. Everything just felt so perfect with us that when Negan made me feel how I used to, Daryl and I felt.. wrong.
There's always been a little voice in my head reminding me that the good in the world doesn't belong to me and it never has-- a repetitive voice with an oddly familiar tone that I was glad I'd never have to hear again.

***

As night fell and I wrapped myself in the warm sheets of the bed, I struggled to fight the insomnia I seemed to have developed, whether it be from stress or an overworked mind.

I exhaustfully flung the blankets off of myself before pulling on my shoes and heading for the deck, hoping the cool air would dull my mind enough to be tricked into some sort of sleep state.

I nearly immediately regretted my decision as I saw Daryl sitting on the steps, lit cigarette in hand. All of our conversations now were nothing like they used to be, and I know I only have myself to blame, but the new tone of them just stressed me out more.

I leaned the door closed behind me, catching his attention for a split second before he turned back, looking into the night air.

"Where'd you get a crossbow?" I asked, walking up behind him and honestly confused as I saw the weapon leaned against the deck railing.

"Some prick." Daryl mumbled.

"Someone from the Kingdom or.." I trailed off, waiting for an answer as I took a seat on the stairs as well, feeling like I could use a civil conversation with someone I actually knew.

He nodded, taking a long drag from his cigarette, "We're leavin' here tomorrow morning-- headin' to the Hilltop."

I furrowed my brows, turning to him, "What-- why?"

"I found Carol."

"Where?" I asked, surprised after what Morgan had told us, "Is she ok?"

"She's stayin' in a place a couple miles out." He nodded again, gesturing out into the darkness, "I ain't tell her 'bout anythin' though."

I sighed, pushing my hair back, "That's probably a good thing."

The rhythmic sound of crickets chirping filled the air as an almost comfortable silence fell upon us, only to be interrupted soon after.

"Why ya up?" Daryl asked, flicking the ash.

I bit at my bottom lip, trying to decide what to say before realizing that I still couldn't lie to Daryl, "I can't sleep." I admitted, memories flooding back to when he'd stay over every night back in Alexandria because I had the same problem.

He glanced over at me, taking another long drag before rubbing out his cigarette, "C'mon." He murmured, grabbing his crossbow and making his way to the door.

"Where?" I asked, hesitantly standing up.

"Bed."

_____
Definitely a lot of different emotions in this chapter, but I want to play off of the struggles they're both having while coping with everything that has happened and that is happening.

The next chapter may or may not be a lot..

Let me know what you think!