The fire in your eyes

11.

Perrie
The funeral was nearly over. Caitlin, Jonnie and I had all gone up to say something and I was just happy that I didn't break down.
"Just focus on me." Jade had whispered in my ear as I got up from my seat. So I did and to be honest she's been amazing, smiling a sad smile and letting out a breathy laugh when she was supposed to. Actually the whole day she's been amazing it was the first time I'd seen any light in her eyes since Lauren got into the ward and I prayed that it would stay. I know it was a little rude thinking about her all day whilst my dad was in a casket in front of me, but I can't help but wonder when it would all end. She'd been a shitty girlfriend all this time and now, she's gone to another extreme - an amazing one. I just can't help but think how hurtful the downfall may be. But I had to be strong, today wasn't about that, it was about my dad, an amazing man put to rest. I was so surprised though, after weeks of silence she dealt with my family expertly, leaving me be and carrying Most of the convocations herself at times when talking wasn't really what I wanted to do. We were currently in the car and we were on our way home. Jade was going to be home tonight as Normani had said she'd fire her if she wasn't and I think she knew that meant that Dinah and Normani needed their moment together.
"Do you need anything from the shops?" She asked pulling my from my view at all the slowly passing things out the window.
"No I think I'm good." She smiled
"Ok, were nearly home." Jade had started calling my house 'home' every once in a while as an accident but I loved it. It made me feel closer to her and less alone. Plus she spends like 90% of her time at mine so it was fine. We both got into the house immediately going up stairs and climbing into our pyjamas and into bed.  We both lay there facing each other just taking in this rare moment of closeness. We spent the night whispering and giggling as well as kissing and cuddling, it was beautiful. I wish it was still beautiful when I woke up in the morning.

Perrie
I'd awoken to a cold bed and note,

Last night was a dream.
Gone to the hospital.
Love always Jade xx

I don't know why but a pang of hurt shot it's way straight into my heart. Last night was the closest I'd ever felt to anyone and I genuinely thought we'd stopped with the corpses but I guess not. With a sigh I heaved myself up from my warm double bed and began to get dressed ready to go the hospital.

---

When I got there I was in a fairly good mood, I'd decided that we may still have turned a leaf with the whole situation and Jade was still just being the amazing friend that she was. All that went out of the window when I walked into Lauren's hospital room. It felt surreal, like I'd lived this moment before. Camila was sat one one side of Lauren next to Dinah clinging to Lauren's hand like it was saving her from something. Jade was sat directly opposite staring off into space and Normani had situated her self at the back of the room again. It was like this room had a switch, like everything yesterday was a completely different Jade. She was caring and lively with all my family members yesterday, laughing and dancing around. She lifted everyone's spirits, as well as my own. Now? Now she looks exactly like she did before. Same grim expression, same distant eyes, the only missing feature was the dark circles due to her actual night of sleep last night.
"Hey Pez." Normani was the first and I'm guessing the only person to greet me into the room. "Hey." I let out a sigh and shuffled over to Mani.
"This is ridiculous, I've never wanted Lauren to be up and around as much as I do right now. Not even for me, I mean look at these two, they're so torn up about it." I nodded.
"Dinah cry last night?" I asked her in a hopeful voice, at least one of us would have gotten something.
"Nope. Not a thing. What about Jade?" I sighed again  and gestured to the door. Once we were safely outside I started talking. "It's like there's a switch in that room. Jade was so perfect and full of life yesterday and today I woke up to a cold bed and a note saying she'd come back here." Mani slumped down in the chair next to me.
"Let's go out tonight." She said.
"Mani are you crazy we can't leave them."
"Pez I'm pretty sure they don't even know you're here, and they've definitely forgotten about me being there too." I rolled my eyes at the thought.
"Let's do it." I said definitively.
"Good." She breathed out, like it was a relief that I said yes. "Let's go back in and let them know." I don't know why I felt so released in that moment, like I was free of something. I felt terrible for it but I decided to enjoy this moment of euphoria for now.

-------

The day felt 10,000 times longer then it actually was but luckily midnight was rolling in and to say I was a little drunk would be correct, maybe even an understatement. At the club we'd met these people, a girl and her friend, who we'd been dancing around with all night. The newest song had just finished and I was successfully buzzing. All thoughts of Jade and Dinah's sombre mood had left my head as well as any left over thoughts about my dad. It felt good to be free for a moment. I strutted I've to the bar with the girls friend, Justin. He was relatively tall with jet black hair, his blue eyes literally lit up through the dark and to be fair I was a little more attracted to him then I would care to admit. I was committed to Jade though so I would never like flirt with him or anything. We'd been chatting for a while when I felt his hand on my waist. It felt so good to be touched again, wanted in a lustful and respectful way. I hated myself for it but I pretended not to notice and carried on talking. It wasn't until I felt his lips on mine that I immediately started thinking about Jade again. And the worst part?
I kissed back.