The fire in your eyes

11.

Jade
Since I got the call I've had no idea what to do with myself. I've not eaten properly in a few days and I swear my body's learning to function without sleep. I know this is ridiculous and I should be helping Perrie and keeping her sane too but I just can't bring myself to look her in the eyes. She's so amazing and I'm just a state at the moment, although I can't talk about Dinah either. She looks just as bad as I do. The thing is we we've all been a massive part of eachothers lives for 6 years now and I just can't imagine doing anything without them. I can feel Perrie getting further and further from me and I just can't stand it, I try to hold her hand when I can and keep her in but I just can't keep focused. All I can think about is Lauren's lifeless body infringed of me and how I'd never seen it with so little light radiating from it. Today is Perrie's dads funeral and I'll be damned if I don't go, I have to. For Perrie. So that brings me here, sat in the hospital, Dinah sat directly opposite me with a grim expression on her face. Her and Noemani managed to finally get together a few weeks back but I think they may be hitting a bit of a bump like me and Perrie. I'm sat upright in this uncomfortable chair with my jet black dress on waiting for Perrie to arrive so we can leave. She's currently at home with Normani who's helping her get ready. It kills me. I just can't right now. I was interrupted from my thoughts when Perrie walks in the room. She looks stunning in her own black dress and a flower which I assume is for later. I could see she'd been crying, they'd covered her puffy red cheeks but I could see it in her eyes. I stood slowly and moved over to her never letting my hold on her eyes drop, I pulled her in by the waist.
"I love you." Was all I said as I felt her begin to cry again on my shoulder.
"I love you too." The crack in her voice was all I needed to pull her face into mine and join our lips for the first time in days. It felt amazing to have her close even if I knew I didn't deserve it.
"Let's just go yeh?" I said lacing her hand in mine and turning to Dinah, I looked at her for a moment. Sat there, Lauren's left hand in one of her own, face down just staring at Lauren's face probably doing exactly what I was doing. Dinah and I had both mutually decided that neither of us were going to leave her because she never left us. This was a big step for us, to be apart from each other. I turned to Normani who was stood at the back of the room focused on Perrie and I who were still sort of hugging. I felt bad for her.
"You won't go anywhere?" Normani looked startled that I was talking to her before replying.
"Of course." I leaned into her ear and whispered.
"Please look after her whilst I'm gone, she'll break if she's alone." Normani looked skeptical before walking over to Dinah herself and taking a seat next to her, lacing her fingers into Dinah's free hand. A ghost of a smile appeared on Dinah's face.
"You good DJ?" I asked and I got a short nod out of her. I so desperately wanted to run away from this and just sit with Lauren just Dinah and I, mourning, I wasn't worthy of this incredible woman standing next to me. Before I could sit back down I squeezed Perrie's hand and turned toward her again. She was looking at me like she could read my thoughts, like she knew I wanted to ditch her and sit by myself. I was so ashamed. I grabbed her face again and pecked her lips before we left out to the funeral.
"Are you ok?" She asked me as she got in the car.
"I think I should be asking you that." I replied.
"You have every right to be sad Jade. You haven't even cried yet?" She sounded worried about me which after the initial flutter of my heart made me feel a bit sick. She was in the car on the way to her dads funeral and she's still putting my needs over her. You don't deserve her.
"Babe, I'm fine." I squeezed her hand I reassurance. "What about you?"
"I don't know." She looked ahead with a grim expression. I gave her a sad smile before, relaxing into the change in seat.

---

The rest of the car ride was pretty silent until we got to the venue and Perrie and I got out to meet her mum, who was looking at us with a hard expression.
"Perrie I'm glad you came." It was all very plutonic and practised, like she didn't even know that this was her daughter not one of her husbands old friends. Perrie had seemingly gone mute in the moment so I put my hand on the small of her back before leaning forward a little to shake her mums hand.
"Hey Debbie."
"Jade." Was all she said before looking at the plan she was holding in her hand.
"You and Perrie will be sat at the front for the ceremony, front row seat 4&5." She just looked up at me waiting for us to move. I didn't know what to do so I just steered Perrie through the crowd of mostly older people to the front. We sat down in the front and discovered who was in seats 1,2&3.
"Hey Jonnie? Caitlin." I said as we took our seats, I decided to sit on the other side of Perrie as I think she might want her family right now.
"Hey Jade, Pez. This is my girlfriend Lucy." I took in the girl sat on the aisle of our row, green eyes dark hair. If I wasn't so set on helping Perrie through this I would have probably bolted. Her likeness to Lauren was incredible and it was making me feel a little sick again. "Nice to meet you Lucy." Perrie spoke for the first time since we entered the church, she squeezed my hand, she knew. I kissed her cheek in gratitude and we all sat in a comfortable scilence for a moment before Jonnie spoke up.
"Is it me or has mum gone into some sort of crisis?" Caitlin nodded
Enthusiastically.
"She shook my hand." She said with a shake of her head.
"She's never been very good at this stuff has she?" Perrie said as Jonnie flattened out his black skinny tie and music started to play. People shuffled
to their seats and that was it, it begun.