Eating Disorder ||Alren

18.

Ally's pov
9:15 pm

Troy never showed up for dinner. I waited across the table staring at his cold food in front of me for at least an hour and decided to just go upstairs and wash up to get ready for bed, or at least just lay down staring at the ceiling for a long time until I fell asleep on my back, like every night in this relationship.

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Trigger Warning
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Tomorrow's Sunday and I won't be able to go to church, it started to become a routine now. It seemed that I just lost faith in Him, and it makes me upset that I'm even thinking about this.

Prayer after prayer almost seemed hopeless every time I kneel before Him by now.

What would my parents think of me now? After all these years, not a single phone call, text or visits. I lost all communication with the only two people that ever loved or cared about me. I don't doubt that they even miss their own daughter. My brother has become their favorite from what I notice. I always miss their birthday parties, weddings, even Christmas, because of Troy who forced me to stay.

Why did I choose him over them? What good did it come for me having Troy around my life. Nothing. Nothing has ever gone right with him always around me, telling me what to do and how to do it.

One day, I will have the courage to tell him no. But today is not that day, maybe it will never come. At least I had some courage to get out of bed, and walk down to the living room.

"Hey," Troy spoke but didn't turn away from the tv.

"Hey."

His arms spread across the couch. I stood there for a couple of seconds and shook my head. I continued to walk to the kitchen instead to make some breakfast for him since he's unexpectedly home right now.

"Hold on, I'll cook today, Ally."

"No, it's okay, Troy. I can handle it."

"Please."

I stepped away from the stove and I was bewildered by his actions. In fact, Troy looked different from all the other days that I catch a glimpse of him every now and then when he leaves the house for the night or week.

His skin was no longer as pale, his dark circles around his eyes disappeared. The words that came out of his mouth was not slurred by the alcohol he drinks like it was water. I did not even recognize him at all.

"Why are you all the sudden being nice to me?" I blurted out.

"Can't I not?" He snapped and returned to cracking half a dozen of eggs from the carton that he took out of the fridge next to me.

I chose not to say anything else. I was confused, but not dumb enough to test him. Something was definitely off about this typical Sunday morning.

I sat myself on the chair and scooted closer to the table with my coffee placed on the coaster.

"Here." Troy slid the plate in front of me and sat in front of me placing his place on the table as well. The fork scratching the plate made an uncomfortable sound that hurt my delicate ears. It made cringe.

I took a glance of my food that Troy made and it set an aching feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Aren't you going to eat," Troy demanded. "I didn't make this shit for nothing, Ally. Now, fucking eat it."

I cautiously grabbed the fork and jabbed the piece of pancake into my mouth hesitantly and swallowing it forcibly down my throat.

To me it felt like swallowing a bullet, and that my throat was slowly closing. It felt like I was about to choke on a little piece of bread.

"I'm really not hungry- but I do appre-"

"Why don't even bother trying anymore. I do something fucking nice for once and then you pull that bullshit back up, like what the hell. I'm never doing this ever again."

The tall man grabbed our plates and threw them in them in the trash not caring if the plates go in the sink. He plastered one last stare and trudged to the door, grabbing his keys from the hook and he was out.

My sigh was shallow and he was right. He did something nice and I did not appreciate it, but I couldn't bare to take another bite.

But that didn't stop me from crawling back to bed again, feeling the warmth of the covers and blankets over my petite body.

My eyes began to get heavy and I closed my eyes to fall back asleep, my back facing the window to block the sun out and the sound of the harsh wind against the glass awoken me again and again until I decided just to stay up.

The way Troy acted today before he stormed out. It reminded me on how he used to be, like a loving, caring person he was.

Nostalgia filled my brain and the memories flowed in sync.

I gazed over to the closet and slowly got up from bed and walked towards the closet and opened the door. Clothes and shoes were revealed. I pushed aside the long winter coats and there was brown box covered in dust.

My fingers mindlessly laid on top of the dusty lid. A slight sigh escaped my mouth as I grabbed the box and walked out of the little closet to sit on the bed again.

The box was not too small but also not too big in diameter size, but it did hold a huge amount of memories from the past years I've been with Troy. It was our box.

From little post-it notes in high school during class to letters he would write to me just for fun. Dozens of polaroid pictures of us in his room.

Tears began stream slowly while my heart ached from what used to be love, that I've fallen for the wrong person in the wrong time.

Looking through all the letters it just makes me think about Lauren. How maybe if I wanted her.. maybe she'd want me too.

But I've learned that not even I can rush love, even when it's not there.

-AZ