Poetry of 2015-2017

09.14.17

To the boy I love,
Tell me if love is suppose to make me feel this way. Tell me if you're suppose to keep coming back into my thoughts and have me keep thinking of you non stop. Tell me if all I ever want to do is build a connection with you. Tell me if all I want to do is communicate more. Tell me if I'm suppose to smile every time I hear your name or see it pop up on my phone. Tell me if I'm suppose to smile or laugh when I know you're saying something as a joke. Tell me if I'm suppose to take you seriously even when you are serious and I laugh at it as if it's a joke. Tell me if I'm suppose to have butterflies in my stomach because I'm afraid you're going to say something that's going to be stuck in my head as a reminder of a new memory. Tell me if I'm suppose to remember all the compliments and little surprises you gave me and treasure those moments in my head. Tell me if I'm suppose to imagine a potential future for the both of us. Tell me if I'm suppose to get you out of my head. Tell me if this is making sense. Tell me if it sounds like I love you. Tell me. Because I still do somehow and someway.
Say it. Say you love me. Say that this was just something to get me going crazy. Say that you did this to see if I care. Say that this wasn't real. Say that you want to be with me again but too scared to address your real feelings. Say that you still want to make me your wife one day like you said in boot camp because I know you felt the same way, too. Say that I care so much about you. Say that I know you so well. Say that I make you happy. Say that you love me, too. Say that I'm the only girl you'll ever need in your life. Say that you hope this isn't a break up. Say that you'll always be with me even if you're not here standing next to me. Say that you want to wake up next to me each morning and sleep next to me in the evening. Say that you're in love with me.
Remind me. Remind me why you liked me. Remind me why you fell for me. Remind me why we got back together. Remind me how we got through boot camp together. Remind me all the happy times we had together. Remind me the compliments you told me. Remind me that you love me. Remind me that whatever it is you're doing now is nothing but a temporary thing. Remind me that you love me so much. Remind me that I'm your angel. Remind me that I'm your princess. Remind me that I'm your babygirl. Remind me that I'm your everything. Remind me that you want me back into your arms. Remind me what it feels like to be in love with you. Remind me why we made it out longer than the first try. Remind me what it feels like to be happy with someone. Remind me what it feels like to be in love with someone. Remind me why you feel like you were (or are) in love with me. Remind me why we have so many bumps in the road but somehow lead back to you.
Tell me. Say it. Remind me.
Last time I wrote out the reasons why I love you and I came up with 34 reasons. Last time I wrote out how I felt to you and it turned out to be paragraph after paragraph. Last time I spoke about my feelings, you must think I'm dumb to even think a girl like me could somehow be with you but look where we ended up. Last time I felt like a guy like you wouldn't want to be with a girl like me but look where we ended up. Last time I remember I felt like a complete fool to think I could fix everything like the first time. Last time I remember I felt like a hero for myself for fighting and believing for what I wanted. Last time I remember I remember you were doing the same thing. Fighting for what you believe in but look where you are today. Last time I remember I felt like you felt like you believed in me. That you love me. That you saw a future with me. That you and I are opposite but attracted each other like a magnet. That you wanted this as much as I did. That you love me for who I am even though I know and you know I can be dumb majority of the times. That you didn't care what I wear or what I look like even if it was a hot mess. That you probably saw only the good in me when I felt like bringing myself down. That you saw someone who cares about you more than they could care about their own being but look where we ended up.
Tell me. Say it. Remind me. Last time.
You're probably thinking, 34 reasons. Wow, that's a lot. What are those reasons? I would tell you but would you actually do the same? Would you have the same amount of reasons or more on how you feel about me? Or would it be less than that? I remember I wrote a draft out explaining a portion of my feelings in order for us to keep a friendship going at least. This is what I said:
Since you said you doubt me about telling you how I feel, here's how I really feel.
I used to imagine being with someone who would do the cheesiest stuff; the flowers, candy, corny catchphrase...
But until I met you, things changed.
Sure, I still think about it especially from you.
You know, the out of nowhere, the no reason, or just because you felt like it.
But you showed me other ways you loved me.
The messages that you hate doing but did it for me anyway.
The selfies you hate taken even if you said you looked ugly and I disagreed. And did it for me anyways.
You probably didn't wanted to buy the wannabe I'm only famous because of my daddy daughter's makeup.
But you loved me anyway to buy me the lipstick I wanted and I never expected you to do that. Especially since that was our second
Christmas together, first year giving each other presents.
There's one portion of it but let me put down into words the reasons why after that brief message:
I love you because you make me happy.
You make me smile.
You accepting weirdness and stupid stuff I say.
You melt my heart even when your Mr. Attitude/Bad boy and a sweet boy when you wanna be.
Your kiss makes my body warm and tingly.
My cheeks start to heat up when I'm trying hard not to blush.
I feel safe, warm, protected, and you actually cared about me.
You always answer me even if you were sleeping at 3 am or 11 am in the morning or midnight when I can't sleep.
Or when I'm crying on the phone.
You always ask me what's wrong or why am I thinking showing your concern for me.
Even if I looked ugly, you still think I'm pretty or something with or without my glasses or makeup on.
I feel like when we were apart from each other for 3 months while you were doing boot camp, you must've felt something.
I don't know what boot camp did to you but you told me that boot camp made you realize how much you love me. When you started to love me.
You called me your baby, princess, my angel, my everything. You told me you love me so fucking much. You wanted to make me a promise and make me your wife and I was the only girl for you. You were scared of my bad news and told me you hoped it wasn't a break up because you need your precious baby girl. And you couldn't wait to sleep with me at night and wake up in the morning.
And whatever else you said in your letters, I felt the same way and I loved you more within those 3 months than ever.
Or maybe whatever I told you in my letters or whatever pictures I sent you helped made you feel as if you were Home with me.
And if you felt/feel still as I do when I tell you everything, then I really do believe you're the one for me.
Like I said, I know I'm dumb even when you say I'm smart because I'm in school. I know you're smart, too. You know everything about the Marines and just life itself and maybe that's why I admire you. Because you help me understand you more and I got to learn more about you. I'm not that much of a hard worker than you. You deal with fuels, tanks, other people's bullshit, lift heavy objects, go through a pattern of routine and all I do is deal with people at my job busting my ass for no reason. You have a reason to bust your ass and sacrifice your life and protect the people you love.
I appreciate you more than when we first started talking and when you kissed me at the stop sign.
I know I always show you my affection by buying the knives you wanted, the food you were craving for, and always telling you it but sometimes, I'm dumb enough to realize that you showed it to me somehow, someway even if it takes me a while to get it.
If you didn't love me, you wouldn't have let me tell you how I feel and let me fight for what I think felt right to me. Because like you with the Marines; not giving up. I'm not giving up.
If you didn't love me, you wouldn't be texting me the way we did when we were together.
Or face timing each other.
If you didn't love me, you wouldn't let me say it without saying it. The "3 words" phase.
I love you. I never stopped. And I don't think you stopped either.
My mind has been constantly running but I don't know where I'm running to. My mind has always wander back to you and maybe that's why I'm lost in my thoughts. My mind has always had a thought of you. My mind must've never crossed in anyone else's path because I always go back to thinking about you. It's 11:44 pm, almost midnight and here you are asleep and I'm here laying in bed, starting at my phone, thinking about you. I was at work earlier and the thought of you came up. Your name popped up on my phone and I couldn't wait to see what it was that you sent me while I was working. Here you are doing, saying, acting, feeling god knows what but here I am, writing my feelings down as a letter as a corporation of what I want to tell you.
But I feel like it doesn't matter because no matter what I know, what I feel, how I feel, what I think, how I think this through, I feel like nothing will change your mind. Or you will but just won't address your feelings.
Why?
Because you're scared?
Because you're jealous?
Because you love me?
Because you want to be with me, too?
Because you feel something about me?
Because you have deeper feelings than I thought?
Because the idea of a girl like me going out with you is a thought that you don't know how you got lucky she chose you?
Because you're scared for the future maybe?
Because you want this just as much as I do?
Guess what?
I'm scared
I love you
I want to be with you, too
I feel something about you
I have deeper feelings than I thought
I thought a guy like you going out with me is a thought I wouldn't know because I got lucky to choose you.
I'm scared for the future, too
I want this just as much as you do

Tell me. Say it. Remind me. Last time. Why? Because...... I love you
I never stop
I always love you from the moment we both said it and that was a long time ago...
Considering this is what I wish to tell you in person or somehow express it, I can't because I can't seem to address it myself as much as you might have this problem but I guess we both will never know now will we?
Sincerely,
The girl that loves you

Okay so I was really debating on whether I should post this or not. I know it's not a poem but it's different than what I normally do.
I was gonna keep it short and not into my feels but I got into my feelings and I just kept punching the letters on my keyboard.
Please tell me what you think about this!!!
This poem is likely true pertaining to my feelings and what I've been going through (you would understand if you read certain poems speaking about this stuff).
Also, thank you for somehow liking my works. I know I'm not active much but I'm trying the best I can. But thank you for your support and all. Xoxo