Heart of Gold (Anthony Rizzo)

Forty

Isabella

As my pregnancy goes on I notice weird things. I mean it was all weird to me because I haven't been pregnant before but it was things that I didn't think I would have problems with like how my stomach hurts, but I just assumed it wouldn't feel that great. But this is a weird type of feeling. I have swelling all over but what pregnant woman doesn't have swelling? Well the lucky ones I guess.

I sit in the doctors office as they take my vitals. My blood pressure was high and they weren't sure what that was about so they decided to do some more tests. It wasn't life threateningly high but not a comfortable level either, even for a pregnant woman. I was eight months along and they wanted to make sure everything was good for when the baby came. So I gave them a urine sample and blood and they take my temperature for precaution. I tell them what I've been eating and taking and they say it all was good.

They lay me down and look at the baby. Her heart beat was still good and she was developing right where she needed to be. They clean me off and I sit there while I wait.

Eventually the doctor comes back in with two other people and I look around. They wore long faces and I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like the feeling I got when Nicholas was really sick.

"We're going to ask you some questions" my doctor says sitting across from me and I swallow hard.

"Okay" I reply.

"Have you been experiencing headaches" she asks.

"Yeah, but I usually take Advil and it goes right away" I explain.

"And what about urinating, are you having difficulties" she wonders.

"Sometimes I think I have to go but nothing comes out. Other times I nearly pee myself" I admit.

"Right. And how has your stomach been feeling" she wonders.

"It hurts but it's nothing I can't handle" I insist. She writes down what I say and the people behind her nod their heads at whatever she wrote.

"Have you ever heard of the term preeclampsia" she asks and my whole world stops. I feel tears rise in my eyes as I try to swallow my feelings but they get stuck in my throat.

"I have" I respond softly.

"Did someone you know have it" she asks.

"My mother, she died when she gave birth to my brother" I explain.

"Well we looked at your blood work and it looks like your blood cells aren't doing what they're supposed to. We found protein in your urine along with the high blood pressure and all signs are telling us that you have attracted preeclampsia. It's not from you not taking care of yourself, you've done great. But it is hereditary and you probably got it from your mother. As you know this is a very dangerous situation and since you're so late in your term it's even more dangerous to you and the baby" she explains. I sit in complete and utter shock as she continues to talk. This can't be happening, not again.

"What... what do I do? How do I fix it" I ask.

"Well there's a few options and each hold their own risks. We can make you have the baby now but it probably won't survive. The baby is developed but there is a good chance taking her out now will kill her. Or we can leave it in and perform a c-section when the baby is ready. But if you keep carrying the baby... well there's a better chance of you not making it than you making it. The infection that will kill you is the same thing keeping your baby alive" she explains.

"So I can have the baby now and she'll probably die or I can have the baby later and I'll probably die" I ask.

"Essentially. I mean there's always a chance that you two will both make it, but I've been doing this a long time and I haven't seen it happen. You know that, you saw it happen with your mother. In a perfect world I wouldn't be asking you this, but this is real life and it comes with hard decisions. So Isabella, if you absolutely had to choose between you and the baby, what will it be" she asks.

"The baby" I whisper.

"You don't have to say that because you feel like a bad mom if you don't. You can choose to have the baby now and maybe adopt someday" she encourages.

"I'm not taking my baby away from my boyfriend. From her family. She can't die before she's ever been loved. She deserves to know the beauty of life that I've come to love" I say.

"Well if you decide to keep carrying the baby, when she's ready she will be delivered by c-section so she isn't delivered with your blood. It'll give us a chance to fight the infection and try to save you, but I can't promise you anything" she explains.

"I'm keeping the baby until its ready and if it comes down to me or the baby... it's the baby" I insist.

"You're a brave woman" she nods.

"I am my mothers daughter" I sniffle.

I sign all the papers allowing them to do whatever to save the baby even though that means I'll most likely die. We talk some more and I try my best not to cry but I fail. She rubs my back as every possible scenario plays through my head. I was finally catching a break and this happens.

"Hey, I can't tell you what is going to come of this but I promise we are going to do everything to save you, okay? You gotta hold on and we will do everything we can to keep you alive. I know you're scared, I know you understand your mom in a way you wish you never would. But I promise that we're gonna fight with you" she insists and I nod.

I pack my things and head to sit in the car. I try to figure out what happens next but I can't. I can't tell Anthony because I know he'll do something that will save me and not the baby. He'll think I'm being dumb and outrageous but I know exactly what I'm doing. I can't tell Nicky because it'll just break his little heart and he just got that one. I don't want to leave him without a family but he's so amazing, I know Anthony will take great care of him. They're already so great together they can probably take over the world. There's so much to worry about and I'm not sure what to think. I don't want to die, I'm only 23 and I was just about to finish up college. I haven't gotten a job or gotten married. But I wouldn't be able to walk on this earth knowing I took something from it in order to be here. I just can't. This is my baby and a mother job is to protect her, and I will.

I wobble on home and find Anthony and Nicholas in the living room doing karaoke. They sounded awful but they sounded like they were having so much fun. I stand in the doorway and can't help but to smile at the sight. Those were my boys, they were my everything and it sucks I most likely won't see them for much longer. I wonder of all the things I would have done differently if I knew this was going to happen. Part of me always figured it would, maybe that's what I'm more okay with this than most. But I'm confident in my decision and I'll just have to keep it to myself.

"Oh yay! Izzy is home" Nick says jumping into my arms. He kisses my belly before climbing down.

"Hi baby, how was your doctors appointment" Anthony asks and I felt like crying again. But the last thing I needed was for him to find out and freak out.

"It was good, the baby still has a good heart beat" I smile.

"That's great. I can't wait to meet her" he admits. "What are were you thinking about naming her" he asks.

"I'm not sure. What were you thinking" I wonder.

"I have some ideas" he admits.

"You're not going to tell me are you" I ask.

"Not until she gets her. When I look at her I'll know just what to name her" he insists.

"Fine" I groan and he smiles. He pulls me in a kiss and goes to pull away but I pull him right back.

"Woah, what was that" he asks.

"I just... I don't want to miss a second of being with you" I admit. It's more than that but he can't know that.

"What does that mean" he asks.

"Don't worry about it. Lets karaoke" I say and he quickly drops it to pick up a mic.

We spend the rest of the night singing our lungs out. I had the less than a month to savor my time here and I was going to do it.