Heart of Gold (Anthony Rizzo)

Twenty Four

Anthony

At 2:47  exactly Nick was put under for surgery. They are thinking it will take about five hours to do a complete heart transplant. Naturally I was nervous, I mean I didn't think anything would go wrong but there's always that "what if" in the back of your mind. What if his body doesn't accept the new heart? What if they can't get the new heart to start up again? What if he doesn't wake up? I mean there are more things that can go wrong than that can go right and it's hard not to think about the bad.

But then I remember who we are talking about here. I mean, this kid never let his heart get the best of him so why would he now? He's the strongest guy I know through and through. I've had the honor of getting to know him under his witty one liners and innocent questions. I got to know the little boy who lost his mom before his eyes ever opened and lost his dad before he could walk. The little boy who was raised by his sister who was just eighteen at the time. He lived every day with a broken heart, he's heard no more times in his six years of life than most people have heard by the time they're on their death bed. He'll never been able to go on a roller coaster or play competitive baseball. There's still a chance that when he gets older he'll need yet another heart, but that's never stopped him from living his life to the fullest. Every morning he wakes up and crawls into bed with Isabella and I and waits for us to wake up. He's not thinking that he should be at school or playing outside, he gets to start his day with the people he loves and that's all that matters to him. If you ask him what the coolest thing in the world is he'll say his sister. That's the same answer you'll get when you ask him just about anything. Who he loves the most, who his hero is, who the prettiest girl in the world is. In his eyes she is his everything and it's the same thing the other way around. That boy has been through hell and back, he knows that life will never be easy. But he has a heart of gold, not matter who's heart it is.

I look down as Isabella laid peacefully in my arms. Her eyes darting around the waiting room trying to distract herself from what was happening behind those walls. I would kill to know what's going through her mind right now. Is she worried about her grandparents trying to take Nick away? Is she worried about finishing school? Is she worried about me? About what I do and what I can do to her? I would never hurt her, but there's no way she can know that. I know she just wants someone. Someone to hold her and tell her it's going to be okay, even if we both know it's not. Someone to look over Nick so she can get a nap in. Someone who can take care of her while she takes care of everyone else. I'm not sure what she wants or if I'm what she wants. Maybe I'm what she needs? Only god will know. All I know is that there isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for these two.

Isabella and I watch the clock tick by as we wait for the doctor to let us know how everything goes. There wasn't much in this room to relieve the tension so I just hold her close. Eventually the sun comes up and Isabella lets out a big sigh.

"What are you thinking" I finally ask.

"That I think way too much" she laughs.

"I'm serious. We have plenty of time so we can talk" I encourage.

"I don't know... just thinking about the future" she shrugs.

"What about it" I wonder.

"It's crazy because I thought once Nicholas got a new heart I would have no more worries but it's not true. I still need to do so much and it makes me think... does it ever end? Does it ever get easier" she asks.

"Life never gets easier, you just get stronger" I explain.

"I'm tired of being strong" she claims.

"You don't mean that" I insist.

"I do. Sometimes the pressure gets to me and that not even the worst part. Acting like everything is okay, that's what hurts the most. Sometimes I just feel like the weight of the world is on my chest slowly crushing me and I am forced to let it happen with a smile across my face. Taking care of Nicky is so hard, sometimes I forget to make him take his medication or I give him ice cream for dinner even though I shouldn't. I don't know, maybe my grandparents are right. Maybe he's better off with them" she whispers.

"I don't believe a word of that. I know you're in a hard place right now, I can only imagine what you're going through. You're so young, and you're going to make mistakes. But you're human, you're not going to be prefect. Your grandparents are human too and they would make mistakes also. But there is nothing you can say that doesn't assure me you're the best care taker for Nick. Age is just a number, the things that make a difference in that boys life can't be counted on your hands. They have to be seen and felt. You not only kept that child's heart beating but he gets to live past the end of this year because of you. I hate when you get down on yourself because you deserve so much better. I wish I knew how to show you that" I sigh.

"Anthony, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You're the proof I need that this life is worth living. It's been less than eight months but I can't begin to tell you the difference you've made in my life. Before you it was me against the world and I was losing. But now you won't let me fight these battles by myself, you're always right beside me fighting along side me and more times than not I ask God why he was so good to let me to have you. How I was able to find all my answers in one really cute package. But seriously, I love you so much. I don't get to say it as often as I want to but I hope I can show you."

"I see it every day. I see it when you say something then look at me to see if I'm smiling or not, I always am when I'm around you. I feel it when we go to bed and you nuzzle your nose in my chest to keep it warm. I hear it in the way you say my name when you're really serious about something. You let me in when it was hardest for you to do so and that's the bravest thing I've ever seen. I know you were scared, I was too. If there was one think Nicky has taught me is that we can sit here and watch the seconds us by, but if we are so worried about the last one or the next one we lose what's important about this one. Everyone has the same amount of time in a day, days in a week, and weeks in a year. And each second that passes we can't have back, why spend that time worrying about what might be and start worrying about what would be? There's a lot I don't know about the future. But I'm not worried about it because I'm here with you right now and wasting time with you is never time wasted. I know things are hard right now and Nick getting his heart is just the beginning of this long road to getting better, but we have to start somewhere. I just want you to know that you're so amazing. You can't see it yet but I don't mind showing it to you. Everything you do is so beautiful, you make everything so worth while. It's one of the many things I love about you.

But I have to say my favorite thing is how you make me feel. So weightless and so small. I love it, and I know I can't find it anywhere else. So I'm over losing track of time, I'm ready to count my blessings. And you're at the top of my list" I say. She looks up at me me with some tears in her eyes as she smiles big. She plants a kiss on my lips and I smile back.

"Thank you so much, for everything. I don't see how I could of done this without you" she claims.

"Anything for you" I say kissing her head.