Forever Bound

Forever Bound: Twenty-Seven

I hit the send button and watch as my message goes. There is no way to take that back, and I don’t want to. I love him, but I was being serious. No matter how much I may hate Jackie, I won’t stop him from being happy. I just wish it wasn’t with the girl that tore us apart in the first place. But you can’t pick and choose who your ex dates.

I should have given him advice before hand. I’ve always found this helpful. ‘Never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.’ And it’s true. I know Blake doesn’t love her, and I think she likes him, but she doesn’t love him. She’s just spiting me, but I’ve been a good girl about it. I’m not spreading rumors or making her look bad. I’m being completely civilized. Go me!

But as I lay here, I am getting all of these strange thoughts.

I mean, have you ever laid on your bed at night, and just cried? Cried because you're ugly. Because you're not good enough? You counted all your flaws from head to toe, to punish and feel worse about yourself. Cried because the comments people blurt out, actually hurt your feelings. Cried because your family is dysfunctional. You don't want to be a burden, so you bottled it all up. Around people, you're the happiest ray of sun shine. But nobody knows, that at night when you're alone, you break down and just cry. I know I have. But then I would think about the good times, and I would stop crying. Most of those good memories were from childhood.

However, the more in depth I thought about them, something seemed to stick out. All the promises everyone has made to me have fallen apart. I just want to scream out to them like, “You broke every promise. You kept promising and promising, you even promised you would never break your promises and hurt me. But here we are... completely broken to the point where there is no "we", and there will never be a "we" again.’ And that is exactly how I feel. I don’t know who I can count on anymore, and it sucks.

Now I start to think about the “what ifs.” What if I never told Blake that I liked him? I mean, once upon a time, we were nothing more than quick glances and unspoken words. We were just kids, wondering what it would be like if we took a chance, and just said something, anything. And one day, something changed, maybe it was the adrenaline of the warm sun, or maybe one of us got tired of knowing nothing about the other, but finally, we spoke. And it changed everything.

And now I don’t have him with me anymore, and it kills me. I guess that’s just part of life though. You don’t get to choose who you have feelings for, but you do get to choose how you act on those feelings. 

I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling empty inside. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of feeling crazy. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of yelling. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. I'm tired of missing things. I'm tired of missing people. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of wishing I could start all over. I'm tired of not being able to just let go. I'm tired of faking it. I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of needing help. I'm tired of always wondering when God is finally going to let me be happy. Most of all, I'm just I'm tired of being tired.

And things just keep getting worse. Nobody knows how many times I've faked a smile, how many times I've cried, how many times I've been hurt. Nobody knows how many times I've had to hold back my tears, how many times I've been let down, how many times I've been walked out on. Nobody knows how many times I've felt like falling apart but I keep it together for those around me, how many times I've been kicked when I was down, how many times I scream. Nobody knows how many times I've forgotten how it feels to be happy, or how long I've been waiting for things to get better. Sometimes I wonder who knows the difference between how I pretend I feel and how I truly feel.