"If only my heart were as cold as I pretend it is, maybe I could get over this."
-Jessica Katoff
[Funneh]
"So how are your new roommates?"Kyran asked as he kept glancing at the waiter.
"They're good actually, how's Gold?"I asked, my gaze nervously lurking over the menu, even though I ordered already.
"Do you want the truth or a sweet lie?" he asked, sharing the sad smile I had the entire morning.
"Just give me the truth, better to hear it now than later,"I replied, placing the menu down on the table.
"She's mad Funneh, but when you two make amends you can move back in.Problem solved." he quickly said, his unsure gaze leaving me.
I let out a sigh, thinking how to reply to that.A sweet lie would have been better, right?Lies save us from so much, but they're so wrong.
"I'm not moving back in, you know that Kyran."
As he went to speak the food was placed on our table, quickly might I add.This morning is officially terrible, even the waiter can feel the tension.
"I know it's just that Gold--"I quickly cut him off by placing my fork in the air, facing him.
"I don't care what she said, I deserve an apology from her.And you should get it through her head that she isn't the center of attention.If you're not, I'm not, Alec, Evan etc. aren't, then she isn't either."
"Funneh she--"
"Ah, ah, ah.I said what I had to say about that if you're going to tell me her opinion then don't bother."I spoke, glancing to his eyes."Speak up for yourself man, you can't be anyone's marionette."
Kyran sighed quietly, staring at his food."What if we break up?What do I do then?"
"If you break up then it just says that she is blind, Kyran.Don't do this to yourself."I said, placing my fork on the table.
"You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served," I added, offering him a soft smile.
"Wait, did you just quote Nina Simone?" he asked, quietly laughing.
"If it will open your eyes, then yes."I replied,"Now eat, your food is getting cold."
Rolling his eyes he managed a smile,"Thank you, mom."
"I will kill you,"I whispered.
[Kyran]
"Kyran, she can't--"
"Gold, do you love me?"I asked bluntly, cutting her sentence off.
Her eyes looked around the room, ignoring the question I'm waiting to be answered.The things Funneh said kept running in circles through my mind, draining any thought I could have had till now.The way we all changed through this year is simply unbelievable, sometimes I wish at night I could wake up and be in high school.No one depressed, no one all stuck up, no one hurt but everyone happy and excited to see what the days have to unfold.And now, nights became something which kept us sane.Every single night I can imagine, all of us locked in our dim-lighted rooms, sending out thoughts into the night, hoping the night would take them and just crush them.But it won't, the night is just something we use to vent, to catch onto the world which is leaving us behind.We may keep running and running as fast as we can, but we can't catch up, we stumble and look back at the thoughts we wish so badly to leave behind...
"Kyran," she held my hand, a soft smile on her lips, slowly fading.
"Gold,"I pulled my hand away,"Answer me now.Look me in the eyes and tell me the truth!"
She stood up, her hands folding themselves over her chest in the process.I stared up at her, words leaving me as disbelief engulfed me into its walls.
"Gold, was this all a game?"I rose to my feet, no feeling in my heart left.
"What?No, of course, it wasn't!" she argued loudly, her words stammered and weak.
"Then why is it hard to say that you love me then?Why is it so hard?"I yelled, taking countless steps around the room, my vision heavier and relating to crystals by the seconds passing by.
"I don't know, Kyran.I'm sorry," she whispered.
I released a loud huff, leaning onto the back of the couch."Sorry?Gold you played with me, for a year!How is a person like you able to do that?I loved you and you just played with the feelings I developed, you used me!You're not even over Prince, are you?"
My voice bounced off the four walls as she broke into tears, meaningful tears staining her cheeks.
"Gold," my voice broke,"How could you?"
"I didn't mean to, it's just that I was so broken when I saw him cheating on me, and you were there and..." she trailed off, hiding in her whispers.
I shook my head, stopping the tears I don't deserve to shed."Gold, this is over.I'm done with you!Stop acting like you're in the middle of attention because you're not!You're not, I'm not, Funneh, Evan, Alec, Prince etc. aren't!So open your eyes and apologize to your best friend!"
"I can't!I wanted to help her and she started to argue with that choice!" she yelled, her voice hitting me in the heart.
"Funneh started cutting herself!I saw the scars today and ignored them because I knew that she would try to escape me as well, and I want to be there for her when she lost you in the time when she..."I took a deep breath, my lungs empty but feeling full."Needs you the most."
"Funneh tried to kill herself twice, and do you think that her not having you to support and help her is a good thing for her breaking sanity?No, it isn't!So stop being selfish, open your eyes and start again.And this time don't you dare come crying to my door."
As I finished ranting the brutal honesty, Gold was shaking and sobbing loudly.But not even a single nerve or a single bit of my conscience made me walk to her and offer help.She needs to help herself in order to help others.
[3rd person]
Do you ever think of how we sit next to the people who need help and advice and we are there, I mean we're just there...listening and thinking of smart things to keep them going, choosing the hard words very carefully.Explaining separate sentences in your mind before explaining it to that individual person, fearing that they might hear the words differently than intended.
People change in front of us and we half of the time don't even notice, we don't even glance at their change.And I am not speaking about looks, how someone loses weight, cuts their hair, Nah man!I am talking about inner change, it's too well-known to all of us and yet we decide to ignore it.
Do you know what I do at times like these?When problems are calling in the demons to play tricks on me, I pretend that I don't see the real me.I made this character which I am proud of, and that's how other people see me, as that character.To drown my own thoughts and problems I go around, offering free help to anyone who needs it.Because when I manage to help someone and help them crack a smile...it makes me feel good, knowing someone is feeling happy and excited for the days to unfold and pass them like chapters of books we cannot put down.By helping other people, I tend to drown myself in my own words and move on, blind to the dark world.
That's my secret, what's yours?
Come on, we all have them, we just don't want people to find out and use our secret methods.We can't afford some strangers knowing our ways of keeping the sanity we hold, wishing it doesn't slip off....wishing it doesn't leave our embrace and company.Yet, telling someone how we cope with the random feelings inside...might actually help them.It might make them smile after doing what you do....just maybe.
[End of Chapter 33]
Hope you enjoyed, seriously, I hope you enjoyed.
1337 words.
-love ya
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moiety - falec & fevan ff
Fanfiction*trigger warning* Evan mixes with the new feelings between Funneh and Alec, slightly from his growing jealousy. Who will she fall in love with? Who will be left with a heartbreak and a few spoken words? Who has love on their side? - - - Takes place...
