EAT » [ziam]

twenty-eight

[I'll love you 'til my breathing stops, I'll love you 'til you call the cops on me.]

As the tires to Liam's mother's car slid against the tar of a parking space, Zayn felt chills run down his spin. The recent news of Luke's passing had left Zayn on edge, so something simple such as the friction between a tire and hardened tar would overwhelm him. He had been dreading this event for over a week since he had been released from the hospital-Luke's funeral service.

Zayn wasn't sure what to make of Luke's death. On one hand, he had felt a sudden burst of relief. Relief that he wouldn't have to make awkward eye contact with Luke in the school halls anymore; that he wouldn't have to avoid him at all costs; that he wouldn't have to dread the feeling of his heart sinking into his chest whenever Luke's name was brought up. Well, fúck, the guy ráped him for crying out loud! Was it evil of him to feel relieved about it when one normally feels remorse after the death of someone?

As for the other hand, the reasoning behind Luke's suicide left Zayn wondering incessantly. Why did he kill himself? Zayn needed answers and clarity or else he was going to go insane. Hell, he already felt insane and jaded as is. A majority of the school was invited to the funeral service, and although Zayn at first wanted to opt out, he mustered up the courage to attend-he needed closure of some sort.

"You ready?" asked Liam as he gazed down at his smaller boyfriend with his brawny hand placed upon Zayn's scrawny thigh. He gave it a squeeze before adding, "I mean, you and he had a past after all..."

"I'll be fine," Zayn responded in a disingenuous tone before placing a kiss on Liam's stubble coated check for reassurance.

Zayn's frail hands reached over to unfasten his seatbelt, which he was grateful to finally remove. The entire car ride, all he could think about was how tight the strap felt against his body; he even recited in his head what he had ate that entire week to explain why he just felt so fat and constricted in this seatbelt. Not knowing the number of calories in the hospital food he was force-fed the past week had left him bothered and paranoid.

The crisp breeze of early June brushed against Zayn as he and Liam got out of the vehicle before holding hands and walking in the direction of the building. Liam pulled Zayn closer to his built frame for extra warmth, as he knew his underweight boyfriend produced less body heat. The two entered the building and quickly found the room where the service was being held, being given a pamphlet about the ceremony as they searched for vacant seats. Zayn could feel the sorrowful aura of his surroundings as he examined the room. From an array of roses and lit candles around Luke's closed casket, to the sound of Luke's loved ones' sobs ricocheting off the room's walls, the mood was fúcking depressing.

After having to wait until Luke's hot mess of a mother could keep it together, the service started with the cliché speeches and slide show of pictures of Luke ranging from his infancy to his adolescence. Throughout the event, Zayn leaned against Liam's shoulder and tried to keep his composure, but when Calum had stepped up to the podium and announced he would be reading Luke's note he left before committing suicide, his composure was nothing but that of a fantasy at that point. Zayn could feel his body tighten as his heart began to race profusely.

With nerves getting the best of him, the note shook in Calum's hands as he read it in a stammering voice. "Let's get straight to the point: I know you're all sitting here in sadness and confusion, wondering why I killed myself. Well, I need to get something off my chest, and because I'm such a coward and couldn't tell the world, I thought I'd write it down. I don't want to be remembered as some sort of saint once I'm dead because that would be downright incorrect and undeserving. This year, I met someone who left me craving their affection, but this soon turned into an uncontrollable lust. I couldn't control myself and well... I'll just say it, even though I'm struggling to write this down on paper at the moment, let alone ever say it out loud. I took advantage of and sexual assaulted someone. I'm currently crying as I finished writing that previous sentence. Although there's some secrets people would like to take to the grave, I just can't keep this in any longer. I'm a fucking monster for what I did and can't live with myself anymore. So therefore, I have chosen to take the easy way out of this thing called life. Some may say I'm simply a coward for doing this instead of facing the music, and that's correct. I am a coward. I am a monster. I am a lousy excuse for a human being. I am a rapist. And by getting this off my chest, I can rest assured I'll be remembered as those things and deservedly so. I know hearing this is hard, but it needed to come out. To my parents, family, and friends, I love you all dearly. Signed, Luke Hemmings"