you. | sean lew

chapter thirty

august four

sean is awakened by the sun shining through his once shut window blinds and the sound of his sister sarah's humming.

he groans loudly and grabs a pillow to cover his face.

"it's three in the afternoon, sean," sarah crosses her arms. "you've spent this entire summer hiding in your room, can't you get up just for today at least?"

sean remains silent and sarah sighs. she walks over to the side of her brother's bed and sits at the edge. she places her arm gently on his back, despite it being covered with several blankets and a comforter.

"i know it's hard," she rubs his back softly. "but you have so much to offer this world, sean, and it has so much to offer you if only you went out to see it."

for the first time this entire summer, he doesn't shoo away his sister to leave his room and listens to her attempts at comforting him.

"it just hurts so bad," he says quietly into his pillow.

"i know it sucks now but one day it won't, but that day won't come if you spend it crying in your room and not talking to anyone," she frowns.

sean lifts the pillow slightly up and looks at his older sister.

"i love you, kiddo," sarah continues. "so many people do, and so many more will."

"what does it matter if the one person i want to doesn't?" he mumbles.

"well then, she's not worth it," sarah cups his brother's cheek with her hand and smiles. "you're going to find someone who loves you unconditionally, and you'll know it when you lay your eyes on them."

sean sighs, replaying the first time he saw vivian in his mind.

freshman year. he was so naive and full of life back then. now he was a soon to be senior who spent his entire summer moping around over that same girl from freshman year.

he finally unravels himself from all the covers and sits up next to his sister.

"she is worth it," he sighs. "she's worth more than anything in this entire world."

sarah carefully examines her brother's appearance, especially since it was the first time he actually let her talk to him in months.

the amount of eyebags he has is deceiving considering he sleeps most of the day. his lips are cracked, his hair looks like he hasn't brushed it in years, and he's worn the same grey sweatpants and black tee for the past week.

sadness falls over her face as she wonders why her brother let himself get like this.

"is it crazy for me to think that something good was finally happening in my life? god, i was so used to things never working out for me, and i was pretty sure that this wouldn't have either. but whenever i was with her, it didn't matter to me if it was an eternity or even just a millisecond, just the fact that i was with her made everything seem okay." he plays with his hands, avoiding his sister's gaze. "and then i told her i loved her, and i thought that this was it. this is what i've been waiting for my entire life. i know, i'm only seventeen, but i saw her in my life for a very long time...and then i fucked it all up like i fuck up everything else in my life."

"sean," sarah says sympathetically. "you're not a fuckup. whatever it is that you did, it's not your fault. and even if it was, like you said, you're only seventeen. you're going to make mistakes. you need to learn how to forgive yourself."

"no," he pauses. "i think i know what i need."

"and what's that?"

"i need to get away,"