» à deux // luke hemmings « [editing]

12.5

 (no song bc filler-chapter) 

 [Luke]

In psychology, emotional pain only lasts twelve minutes while the rest is self-inflicted. If that were true, then I got emotionally pained every twelve minutes.

Seeing the way Ivey looked at Ashton pained me. It was more than a slap on the face or a punch at the crotch or a knife going through my chest. It was all the painful things—both physical and emotional—combined together. My heart dropped down to the pits of my stomach, killing the butterflies inside me. I didn’t know it could hurt this much.

When I was in a relationship with Ivey, I felt like I was the worst boyfriend that ever existed. My parents didn’t approve of us at all, and my mother would have freaked if she had found out that I was still dating Ivey behind her back. Ivey and I had to sneak out and make up excuses just so that we could go on tiny dates back then. Our relationship wasn’t anything cute like the ones we both hoped for—we never cuddled or had movie marathons or played video games together. We never had the chance to be with each other privately at the comfort of our own home because of the disapproval of my parents.

I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her; she deserved so much more. I didn’t go the extra mile to get support from my parents or even have the willpower to try. I knew that I wasn’t good enough for her and it confused me why she still wanted to be with me.

She would say that it was okay that we didn’t get to hang out much, but I knew she was lying. I could hear the pain in her voice and it only made me feel worse; I was the reason behind that hurt. I had hurt her. Boyfriends aren’t supposed to hurt their girlfriends. I had caused her distress in the worst possible way: emotionally.

I wanted her to know how hard I was trying to make our relationship better even if there was a lack of dates. Our relationship had to be private to the whole world except for both our bands so that there wouldn’t be any trace of connection between us online that my mother could see. I did so many things to make our relationship work, even if I knew that she wasn’t having the time of her life with me. I hated that I made her sad. I didn’t want to make her sad.

I could feel my eyes sting at the thought of our relationship and how horrible I was. I had to be constantly reminded every day by Ivey that I was a good boyfriend, that I was good enough for her, that she was genuinely happy with me. Other days, her assurances worked, while sometimes they didn’t. I wanted to be the best for Ivey, but I knew I wasn’t.

She sat there across the room, looking at Ashton with praise as he announced our schedule for the day. It hurt me. I knew that she in a confused state; she was on tour with her ex-boyfriend’s brother who looked so much like him, they were easily mistaken of one another. It hurt me to see her looking at Ashton the same way she looked at me before. I didn’t know if she was slowly falling for Ashton because he looked like Jack, or if it were real, genuine love. I hoped it was neither of the two.

She belonged with me. I knew she belonged with me. Ashton knew she belonged with me. Everyone knew she belonged with me. Except for her. 

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a/n short filler-chapter for you all because i feel like spoiling you guys hello there tell me what ya think. also, go check my ashton fic called serendipity because i was bored the other day uh huh