The Search

Chapter 22

*Jacks POV*

As a kid, they only thing we ever feel guilty about is the small things. Stealing a candy bar, taking another kids toy without asking, pushing down another kid down the slide. Even taking a cookie out of the damn jar. And you felt guilty because the look on moms face when she finds out you disobeyed her. Then, there was just the smallest thing of all, lying about having no homework.

But as we all get older, the petty things stop, and the reasons for feeling guilty get worse. Not the actions, but how the guilt hurts. It feels like your heart could break and for a moment you could actually cry. Sometimes that guilt of great hurt, was because of something small. So small that it was the size of a grain of sand. An incredibly stupid thing that you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

But you do.

You do because that incredibly stupid and small action, could have been stopped. It could have been stopped so easily and all the hurt afterward could have been avoided. If only you had stopped and considered more than what had appeared.

I should have stopped. I should have considered more of the why, instead of getting angry! I got so angry! I wanted to hate her. Hating her would have been so easy, it would have justified my actions of giving up my search.

But no, nothing justifies what I did.

I had that dream again all those weeks ago, and I had gotten more of my missing memory. I remembered that it was Elsa who took it. But I had never considered why she did. The only thing that I thought was that she had betrayed me.

No scratch that.

I didn't think at all.

And the events of that day don't justify it either.

I was afraid of never finding Elsa and fearful of the person who took my memories. In turn that caused for Elsa to be found, captured, and beaten. My fear lead to anger, anger lead to hate, and hate lead to suffering.

I've been suffering ever since I saw her being dragged away in that mirror. But Elsa..

Oh Elsa! I'm so sorry.

She has suffered the most. All for what?

For what???

My stupid decision to give up.

"It's my fault." I say to myself letting my head fall. "It's my fault." Nothing will make this right. Nothing at all. I feel a warm hand on my back. "No it's not. Ya know it isn't." She rubs her hand in circles.

I stand up from the arm chair, rubbing my hand on my chin. "Yes it is. You don't understand."

"Jack-" Flynn starts but I cut him off.

"No. All of you don't get it do you? All of this is my fault. I caused this." I turn away from them, resting my arm against the fireplace mantel. "Okay fine. Please tell us how you caused it then." Hiccup sounds doubtful, maybe trying to get me to say nothing. But he's wrong. He has no idea.

I let out a low chuckle. "You're so smart Hiccup. Figure it out."

"I'd rather hear it from you."

I spin away from the mantel facing him. "Fine. Let's begin then shall we?" My smile isn't real. "First I wonder around some town in God knows where for over two weeks. Then I discover that Elsa had taken my memories thanks to some crazy old seer. And you know what I did?" I stop looking at all of them. "Nothing." I spit out. "I did nothing! I got angry at her! I didn't stop, didn't think, didn't do one damn thing. And that's not even the worst part. I gave up my search. Then you know the rest. Elsa was found by Hans, taken by the minister and beaten. Nearly to death even."