Always Watching

Chapter 24

After Liam left I heard feet shuffling around the house before they came to a halt outside the door. I'm trying to hold in my sobs, not wanting him to hear how weak I am. But instead of stopping my cries, they just become more stangled and loud. Coming out as burst of despair and hopelessness.

He doesn't come in though and a small thump lets me know that he let his body slum down in front of the door. Realizing that he's probably not gonna leave, I give in and let my cries return to the steady rhythm of sadness.

Tears stream down my face, until there are no more left to shred. My crying also slowly still off and as I'm laying on the bed sniffling a feeling of complete emptiness take over my body.

I don't feel anything. The only feeling I can resister deep inside is hatred, towards him, towards myself, towards my life. But not even that feeling is fully evident.

I close my eyes, letting out a deep breath. I can't put my finger on what if was, but I felt something leave me in that moment. And being too mentally exhausted to think about what it is, I let a dreamless sleep take over me. There's no reason to dream anyway, the only thing there's left is the nightmare I live every day.

***

I slowly open my eyes, they're heavy from all the crying I've done lately. In fact every part of me is feeling heavy, my body, my brain and my soul.

It takes me several moments to register that something is different this morning. It really shouldn't have taken that long, but I guess my brain is too tired to register the arm around my waist or the warm breath on my neck.

I'd love to say that I hated the fact that he was there, but even though I wished for it to be someone else, anyone else, I can't help the feeling of comfort it gave my body. I'm still tense, not completely relaxed in his hold. But at least he can't hurt me when he's asleep and honestly I think my body has just begun to welcome any comforting gesture.

I lay there for what seems like forever, just staring at the wall in front of me. Not thinking, not moving. It's peaceful and I've almost forgotten that he's behind me until he start stirring in his sleep.

I automatically stiffen and hold in a breath. The changes in my body doesn't go unnoticed by him or me. I know that no matter how much I deny it or try to excuse it, there's a subconscious part of me that's absolutely terrified.

I close my eyes disappointed in myself, I thought I'd be stronger. It has only been a couple of weeks and I'm already broken and weak. A part of me knows that I don't want to be here, that I'd do anything to escape. But the weak part of me, the part that he has so solidly beaten into me, tells me that there's no hope of ever escaping him.

He's breathing changes and his arm tightens around my waist, pulling me closer. The sudden movement of my body reminds me of the pain I'm still in.

He buries his face in my hair and suddenly I know how it feels to be paralyzed. On the inside I'm screaming and twisting but on the outside I'm not moving a single muscle.

"Baby?" I know he knows that I'm awake, but I can't move.

His finger brushes the hair out of my face, and I don't even flinch. I can feel his eyes taking in my emotionless features, but I just keep staring at the wall.

My brain is at war with it self. One side yelling at me to answer him, so that my body won't feel the consequences once again. Another is to drained to care. The later seems to win.

"I'm sorry baby" He kisses my ear softly, letting his lips linger there "please don't ignore me"

I still don't move only to breathe and blink. I can't even say that I want to move, even though I know it's stupid and might make him mad, I just wanna stay here surrounding myself with nothingness.

He turns me to lay on my back, bringing back a stinging pain. As he hovers over me, my eyes meets his. They're full of emotion and I wonder if he sees the lack of emotion in mine.

His fingers brush hair out of my face and his gaze runs over my face. My eyes stay on his though. I don't really have the energy or will to look anywhere else.

Green meets grey again and he moves closer. The only change to notice in my body is the slight pause in my breath. I keep my eyes open as his lips meet mine, but keep looking at his face.

His eyebrows come together in a frown and his eyes are tightly shut. A hand stays on my face caressing my cheek as his lips move in a slow pace.

After way too long, he finally moves back and lets outs a deep breath that fans over my face. His nose is against mine and it doesn't seem like he has any intention of moving, so I make the decision and turn my head breaking contact.

He moves further back so he can look at my entire face. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it again shortly after. For the first time since I've been here, he has nothing to say. I wonder if he knows that he took it too far.

But I doubt that's the reason since he's gone way further with the other girls. He has gone as far as he possibly can, and taken away their life. So why would he even feel any guilt over what he's done to me so far, when it's clear that there's no remorse to find for his past?

Before I even know what I'm doing and can stop myself, I begin speaking.

"I don't get it" The voice that comes out doesn't sound like mine. It's emotionless and cold, it doesn't sound broken and weak like it should.

"You keep acting as if me being hurt and almost dying is breaking you, but you're the one putting me in this position. You're the one doing this to me, no matter how much I beg"

His face only shows shock as he's processing what I'm saying to him.

"You don't love me" I simply state "Why not just kill me?" I know I don't want to die, but I need to know. It's stupid and irrational but I need an answer.

I've in no way played into his illusion as I should, so even though I want to escape, I can't help wonder why I'm still here, alive. What must the other girls have gone through to have him end their misery. Is this not even the beginning for me?

The thought is heartbreaking. I don't know how much more I can take of this.

"How can you say that?" he asks me. He doesn't seems angry but completely taken aback by my words. Maybe he really doesn't know what he's been doing, what an awful person he is.

"I love you more than anything, even more than I ever have before" he continues "how can you even think that I could ever want you dead? If you died so would I"

I want to roll my eyes, but my body doesn't care to do so and I'm glad. It's a miracle that he hasn't snapped yet. I don't think either of us has really processed what I said. If we had, I'm sure the situation would be very different. I for one would not be this calm.

I don't know what to answer, I don't think I even expected him to answer. To be honest I've no idea how the words left my mouth or how we ended up here.

He keeps looking at me with a expression so pained that I have to look away from his green eyes.

"How can you sit there so emotionless" his voice is breaking "how is it that it's always my heart breaking?" he whispers the last part.

I think back to all the times I've cries, begged, screamed, been hurt. Who is he to say that I'm not hurting? That I'm not slowly breaking? He doesn't have a monopoly on pain.

His eyes breaks away as I look up at him again, but not before I catch a slight glistering in his eyes.

That's when I realize that even though he's breaking me, fast and brutally. I'm breaking him too, slowly but surely. He's just as much a shell of the person he used to be, as I am. But honestly I can't get myself to care.

If I'm going down I can't think of a better thing to do than to bring him down with me.