Always Watching

Chapter 20

"..You wake up.. Trust me.. Regret.. Sorry"

I keep hearing words but never whole sentences. I can't tell whose talking, nor if they're talking to me. I don't know what is happening, but I know my mind is awake though I can't move my body.

I can't feel anything, I can't see, taste or smell. The only thing I can, is hear and that's only occasionally.

I don't think a lot of people know what it feels like to be awake but then again not, at least I hope they don't. My mind is wide awake but my body is in a deep sleep. It's like they aren't connected and it's honestly terrifying.

I keep trying to do even the smallest movements, like moving a finger or blinking but it's just not happening.

It has been a while since I heard anyone talking so I'm assuming I'm alone, wherever I am.

I'm not exactly sure what happened or why I am in the state I'm currently in, but I know it can't be good. The only thing I can think of that'd explain why I'm like this is being in a coma, but I can't be in a coma can I?

I hear the sound of a door opening and closing and footsteps walking across the floor. My hearing is becoming more and more regular and I'm just hoping I'll wake up soon.

Surprisingly I feel it when something touches my hand and my new sense gives me hope. So trying my hardest, I focus every part of my being on opening my eyes. But still nothing happens.

"I can't do this anymore" the voice speaking sounds so tired and broken. Something about it is so familiar but I can't put my finger on it.

"You need to wake up" I really would if I knew how to, but my body just doesn't seem to be ready. It's like it's waiting for something.

"Julie, please baby" the voice cries. Wait my name is not Julie.

Then it begins and what starts as one picture of a man and a woman holding each other, quickly turn into a show of events, conversations and feelings. At first none of it makes sense to me, all of it rushing through my brain in seconds, without giving me time to process it.

Then I realize that it's not just pictures, they're my memories. All of the things coming back has happened to me. All those awful things. And he, the horrible man, did them to me.

Now I remember his voice. He's the one who's here with me right now, and he's the one who's to blame for everything. He took me, hurt me, locked me up, violated me, caught me when I ran and worst of all, apparently managed to save me from the blood loss.

Yes I remember all that happened. I remember the last day, finding the book, breaking the window, cutting myself, running, falling, hearing the car and thinking I would actually get away from him. I remember the numbing feeling of fear and pain and I remember him carrying me to his car.

As much as I wanted to wake up before, I now wish that I'll stay asleep. Not like this though, I want to go to sleep for good. I want to die, anything to not wake up to him once again.

Slowly I feel my body betraying me, I feel my eyelids moving and my fingers twitching. Like before when I actually tried to wake, there's nothing I can do now to prevent what my body is doing.

I feel his presence coming closer, and it's like the air in the room has changed. I don't know how or if it's something I'm just imagining, but I feel like I'm already in mortal danger again.

Suddenly I choke on a breath of air and I cough as my eyes spring open for a second. As a reflex I try to cover my mouth with my hands, but find them unable to move, being tied down somehow.

I pull at the restraints as I calm down from coughing, but when I finally come down completely my eyes land on him.

There's no way for me to know what is about to happen. I've never seen so many emotions in on a persons face at the same time. It makes him look absolutely crazy. Anger, pain, relief, betrayal, love, hate, fear, they are all there and many more.

I don't know what he's feeling so I don't know what to do and I'm too terrified to even try to speak. There's no telling what he's gonna do. I ran away, breaking one of his rules, so I know there's a punishment waiting and I know it's gonna be a bad one.

He looks like he wants to speak but a part of him is fighting the words trying to leave his mouth. He starts breathing heavily and he clenches his shaking fists. Without a word he turns around and smashes his fist into the wall, leaving a hole behind.

I flinch and move my eyes away from him for the first time and see that I'm back in his bedroom, laying on his bed.

"You.." He starts and I can't tell wether his pause is caused by anger or sadness "you promised" he finishes. I look back at him and see the tears in his eyes, but also the jaw clenched in anger.

I know he's referring to me promising not to leave him again, but there's is no way that I'm going to explain that I didn't actually break my promise. I just need to swallow my pride for now, not that that's very hard since I have close to nothing left.

"I'm so so sorry" I say as I can feel tears forming in my eyes, not from being sad but simply from fear.

I'm so afraid of what he'll do and with good reason, since as the words leave my mouth he snaps. In a second he's next to me with his hand around my throat. His hand is shaking and even though he's squeezing I can tell he's fighting not to hurt me too much. Not that it makes it better.

"You promised you wouldn't leave me!" He yells in my face and for once I can't tear my eyes away from his. They are filled with so much emotion and I just start sobbing.

"Please, I'm so sorry" I managed to get the words out, but barely "I'm so sorry"

Even though I said I wanted to die, my instinct for survival kicks in and I don't even register the words coming out, they just keep coming like vomit.

"I'm sorry baby. I wasn't trying to leave you, I'd never leave you. I love you more than anything" My words changes the expression on his face to one of confusion and his grip loosens a little bit, and I just keep going.

"You know I love you, there's no on else and there never will be, there's only you" I try to sit up and even though my hands are tied down I manage to do it.

"Don't be mad, I'm so sorry" I move my face closer to his "Please if you love me, don't hurt me"

He looks torn, like there's two voices in his head telling him to do two different things. But i just hope I'll listen to the better one. I know that before I would rather him hurt me than touching me, but that was before I knew he was capable of murder. Now I have to be really careful if I don't want to end up like the other girls.

"I know I hurt you but I can't live without you, please don't hate me" I cry as I lean in and kiss his lips that are pressed into a thin line.

He just stays still for a second letting my lips linger on his, before he harshly pushes me back down on the bed. He stands up and walk towards the door. Before he leave I hear him whisper:

"I could never hate you"

And in this moment I have hope and I decide that I'm ready to do whatever it takes, this is going to be one hell of a performance.