Who Am I?

Chapter Twenty Two:

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Suddenly another thought enters my mind. It is small, but it is there. Just as I am about to breathe in the water, I get a small glimmer of hope that on day will have the chance to love him again. I sit upright in the tub. I can’t let Bionca win. If I give up now, she will win. This will not happen, I will not let her have her request for me to die be fulfilled. She told me to die, and I will live.

I unplug the drain, allowing the bloody water to leave the tub. I watch the last bit of water swirl around once before falling into the drain.

Turning on the shower, I promise myself another thing. I will not let myself be so hurt by the fact that Jake and Bionca are dating. I warned him about her. He decided not to listen, and if I’m really right about her, he will find out exactly why I told him that she’s bad news.

I scrub myself clean. Clean of sadness, clean of depression. I want to survive this. I don’t want to be vulnerable anymore. It’s not fair to me. I never did anything to deserve this. And who knows, maybe things will turn out differently than how they are right now. Maybe Jake will realize how much of a jerk Bionca is. Maybe he will miss me. I don’t know. I do know, that I still love him though. And that love must be strong, since it stopped me from doing something I can never fix.

I get out of the shower, and dry off. My leg stings and I remember the deep wounds that I created just minutes ago. Dabbing them dry, I apply some Neosporin and band aids. Slipping on my favorite pair of pajamas, I realize how much grief I would have caused if I followed through with drowning myself.

I curl up in bed and fall into a deep sleep.

~~~~~~~~~

Monday.

Ew.

Everyone hates Mondays. I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to see Jake and Bionca hooking up in the hallways. It hurts me. Wait, no, stop. I told myself I wasn’t going to let it hurt me.

First period is English…the only class I have with assigned seats. Once a good thing, but now bad, I take my seat next to Jake. He moves his desk about an inch or two away from me. I’m not contaminated!

Glancing up at the board, I see that we have a creative writing drill. We are supposed to write a short story or poem about someone we love. Wonderful.

Here’s the poem I wrote:

So many things we shared

Kisses

Hugs

Secrets

Words of love

You always used to ask: “You’re not going anywhere, right?”

And I would respond right away –

“No…never” came my confident response, as I looked lovingly into your eyes.

Another thing we shared was trust

And that’s why I never thought to ask you…

“You’re not going anywhere, right?”

I guess I should have asked.

I should have seen the signs.

I guess I shouldn’t have shared so many things –

Kisses

Trust

Hugs

Secrets

Because you did go somewhere…you left me, and now all we shared is gone and lost forever.

At the thought of writing about Jake, I turn and look at him. He is not mine anymore, yet he still holds a place in my heart. I watch as he writes, wondering what his poem or short story is about…probably Bionca. I don’t even realize I’m staring, watching as this handsome boy, just sits there writing. I fall in love with him at the most random moments. He doesn’t even have to be talking to me.

I snap out of my daydream, only to realize that he’s staring at me.

“Sorry.” I mumble, grasping my pencil and pretending to write.

It’s so hard not to stare. Despite his harsh words and immoral actions, I still see him as an amazing person. I don’t know why I still love him. Maybe it’s hope. Hope is what’s keeping me attached. Why? I know that it’s over. Bionca will be everything he’s ever wanted. A sudden tidal wave of depressed emotions wash over me. I clear my throat, trying to ease the knot at the base of my neck. You know, the kind of feeling when you’re holding back tears and it feels like there’s a rock in your throat? That one.

“Allie, would you like to get a drink?” the teacher asks me.

“Yes please” I reply, getting up from my seat.

I push the classroom door open, taking a breath of fresh air. I walk to the water fountain and find myself gulping down the water. I didn’t even realize how thirsty I was.

I walk into class, only to see Jake standing at the front of the classroom, reading a poem that he wrote. It’s about a boy in love with a girl who is insecure and feels she is ugly, when really, all the boy sees is beauty. Bionca.