Ad Infinitum

Chapter 53

©mugiichan, 2017

Monologues

***

Thaddeus

I'm too late.

All I could do right now is just watch her walk away, like I did that one fateful day. I helplessly fell down on to my knees; my legs are failing me, I can't bear to stand still anymore. Tears that I've been trying holding back for so long, starts to fall and my breaths are heavy, like I've been strangled for that whole moment. I felt a distinct pang inside my chest. I was wrong, I was very wrong since the start. Who would want a person whom you can never trust? Who would want a person who hides lies? I broke her trust, I failed her. It was my fault, I didn't tell her the truth from the start. I was a coward. She just knew it from someone else, in which I always feared the most.

I sat on the floor and lay my back on the hard, cold wall, like a heavily drunk man and hastily scrubbed my hand over my face. God, why it has to be like this? Why does it has to be this cruel? The weight that I've bean bearing all this time is too much. I'm dying inside without her near to me. Without her kisses. Without her touch. Everything about her. It's too much that I can't carry anymore.

I've tried to earn her back, I've tried everything to win her heart again. I crossed all my borders, I threw all of my pride just to earn her trust and love. I know she had the difficulty to trust again, I know she was hurt by her past relationship. I saw how she reacted on that day, on her wedding day. I saw how she relentlessly tore her wedding dress and how badly she was hurting while she ran away. I saw everything, the shock and grief that was plastered in her face. She was trying to hide it, but I won't ever forget that dark coffee-like brown eyes of hers, full of hurt and regrets. I can't blame her for what she feels. I made her feel like this, I brought up back the pain she experienced. But why it has to be this way, this cruel for us to part ways? Why is it always so f-cked up? I've been wanting to tell her the truth, my secret, my past. There's no day I felt so guilty not telling the truth to her. Every time I always see her, I'm trying to tell her everything but I was a damn coward. I was so scared of her, being ashamed of what I did. I was so scared that she won't accept me after. I was so scared that she'll change the way she sees me and most of all, I was so scared that one day she'll turn her back on me and leave.

For a tough, fearless man like me, cries are only for soft persons but when it comes to that someone whom you love the most, that someone who believed in you no matter what, for that someone who never stopped showing her utmost and undying love and care for you, that's worth crying for and for me, that was only Saab who made me realize that you can do anything to fight for love. It's amazing how vast and powerful love could ever do and I will do anything and everything in my power for love.

I held her tight like a little kid who doesn't want his mom to leave. I wanted to be selfish, I only want her for myself. I don't want her to leave, I don't want her to pass through that exit door. I can't make her leave me again, and if she does that's the end. This is my last chance, my last plea and I will do anything for her to come back. I begged her to stay with me, I want her to stay with me again and fulfill our dreams. I want to be transparent with her. I want her back again in my life. I need her back in my life. I don't care anymore what she'll do to me, I don't care anymore if she'll rebuke all of my mistakes and shortcomings, I will accept them wholeheartedly.

I don't care anymore if she'll break my heart a thousand pieces. That thousand pieces will be just nothing compared to her, mending that pieces of her heart that I broke.