Nothing Is Forever [COMPLETE]

Chapter 73: Hurting

Colin stormed off down the hall, and I sat on the couch trying to figure out what had just happened. It wasn't long before he came back in sweatpants, with napkins in one hand, and yet another cupcake in his other.

"Why don't you just bring the whole box," I joked.

"I'm not really in the mood right now," he spat, "I'm not Ryan, I'm nothing like Ryan, and I will never treat women the way Ryan did—"

"Colin? Are you ok?" I asked solemnly, placing my bag of gummy bears on the coffee table in front of the couch, "I was just kidding, and I didn't even say anything about Ryan..."

"I'm fine," he insisted, angrily scarfing down another cupcake.

I fought with myself on whether or not to keep poking at his feelings, but in the end my heart won, and I had to know what was bothering him.

"Colin, you just seem—"

"I said I'm FINE. What the bloody hell did you not understand? Am I not being clear enough here?!"

"I —"

"No," he stated, turning to me and gesturing with his hands, "YOU don't get to speak, YOU need to leave me alone, because I dont want ANYTHING to do with you... YOU'RE the reason EVERYTHING in my life has gone terribly wrong!"

"You don't mean that, you're just upset—"

"YES SAVANNAH, I do mean it, every last word. You ruined my relationship with my brother, you ruined my relationship with Jennifer, you even ruined my relationship with my mother, so thanks a lot, I really owe you one!"

I opened my mouth, but Colin turned back towards the television and spoke before I could even think of a comeback.

"I'M NOT UPSET I'M FINE... Why don't you stop treating us like something that we're not—"

"How exactly am I treating 'us' Colin? I mean, last time I checked, there was no 'us' ... All I remember doing is asking if you were ok..."

"I'm not Ryan. I don't toy around with women, and I don't let them toy around with me..."

Colin's voice was becoming more unstable by the second.

"Are you trying to convince me, or are you trying to convince yourself?"

Colin glared at me out of the corner of his eye.

"You know, you two were perfect for each other..."

"Was that supposed to be an insult? I'm pretty sure you're just saying that because you're still mad I chose to be with your brother over you..." I looked into Colin's eyes as he turned his head to face me once more, "Ryan was a good man who treated me better than anyone I've ever been with before—"

"MAN?" Colin laughed, "You've only been with a man once in your life. Ryan treated you like shit. In the end, he was just your little fuck boy, ready to fill your every desire, quite literally if I might add—"

"You don't know what you're talking about—"

"I NEVER wanted to be ANYTHING like him... YOU turned me into this MONSTER—"

"Colin, eating a few cupcakes isn't that bad for you—"

"I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR JOKES," he bellowed, "I LOVED YOU FIRST, YOU WERE MY WORLD. NOW EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP, I WISH THAT I COULD FORGET YOU LIKE YOU FORGET ME. I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU, AND I HATE THAT I'M STILL HOPING..."

Colin took a deep breath and locked eyes with me. I could hear the sadness in his voice, and see the pain in his eyes as he began speaking again.

"Do you even know what true pain feels like? No? Let me describe it for you... True pain is when you look into the eyes of the woman you love, and they turn away to look at your brother. TRUE PAIN is waking up every day and asking yourself what you did wrong, up until the point when thinking about it PHYSICALLY hurts you inside. TRUE PAIN IS CALLING YOUR BEST FRIEND ON HER WEDDING NIGHT BECAUSE YOU'RE CONTEMPLATING ON WHETHER OR NOT TO OVERDOSE ON PILLS AND ALCOHOL, ONLY TO END UP FUCKING HER AND TRYING TO KEEP IT A SECRET FROM HER HUSBAND BEFORE HE LEAVES TO GO ON TOUR, BECAUSE YOU WERE TO DESPERATE TO BE LOVED AND COULDN'T KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS..."

"Colin... What did you just say..?"

A tear rolled down my cheek as I dwelled on the unimaginable.

"It doesn't matter... The hardest thing I've ever done is walk away when I know I still love you..." he looked away and forced a smile, "You know, I smile everyday on set. Most days no one notices anything is different with me, I'm just the same old happy Colin! One day here recently, a little girl who's been coming to set since the start of the show, came up to me and asked why my smile changed. I asked what she meant and she told me, 'you just don't seem happy...' That's when I realized the worst kind of pain is when you're smiling, just to stop the tears from falling..."

I reached out to grab his hand but he jerked away.

"You left me Colin... Just remember that..."

"I left because no one ever asked me to stay... I'm tired of fighting Savannah, I want to be fought for," he insisted gloomily, "When you gave up on me, I gave up on me too..."

I looked down and wiped my eyes, trying desperately to think of something to say, but none of my words were good enough.

"Ryan never deserved you" Colin said abruptly, causing me to shift my gaze and lock on to him once more.

"RYAN WAS GOOD TO ME," I said defensively.

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE WITH HIM AND MAKE US BOTH HAPPY?!"

Colin's shout rang through the house and left an eerie silence as it passed. I didn't know how to respond to his painful words. A minute or so passed before either of us spoke again.

"I'm sorry..." he insisted, trying to calm himself down," To answer your question, I'm not ok. I'm not mad, I'm just hurt..."

Guilt and sorrow washed over his face as he looked into my eyes one last time before breaking his gaze, and crying into his hands. At that point it felt like being stabbed In the back would've been a more appeasing route than this argument.