South Park One Shots

T-T-Tappin' That Ass ; Jimmy Valmer

"I've been so sick of Wendy lately," Stan told us as we walked down the side of the playground. "Her and Bebe are trying to get Kyle with Bebe together and it's just so annoying."

"I'm the one getting set up with!" Kyle snapped.

"Bebe's just desperate and looking for some attention," I tried to join in with the conversation.

"Jimmy you are so gay," Cartman rolled his eyes. Kenny snickered as he looked for my reaction.

"Why must you call everything g-gay?" I asked him, stuttering a little. I couldn't help it, my words just got twisted all of the time.

"I usually just call you gay," Cartman told me. "But the new girl, oh my fucking god, you guys. She is sooo freaking awesome."

"Oh, Heidi?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah! She's just... Perfect," Cartman sighed.

"What about you, Jimmy? You never talk about any girl you like," Kyle asked me.

"Well, I, uh," I was hesitant to tell them who I liked. "I guess I don't really know-"

"Come on, Jimmy, you have to like someone just a little bit!" Stan nudged me as we lapped around the playground.

"Well, uh," I trailed off. "I guess there is this one girl."

"Who?" Stan nudged me again, making me almost fall to the ground.

"Y/N," I got back up to my twisted feet.

"I know her! Wendy talks about her all the time! It's like she's jealous or something," Stan announced.

"W-What does she talk about?" I asked Stan, getting my hopes up.

"She always talks about how all of the guys like her," Stan told us. "I guess you're not alone."

"Aww, d-damnit," I sighed. I guess I have no choice. Especially because, well, I'm a mess. With my legs, my stuttering, no girl would ever truly like me.

"I know! We can make you all cool and stuff and then she would go out with you!" Cartman grabbed our attention.

"No! Shouldn't he stay true to himself like the movies?" Kyle asked.

"Those are the movies, Kahl, this is real life," Cartman waved his arms up to show us the "real life" we were living in.

"Oh, God," Kyle mumbled.

"Shut up, Kahl, you don't even believe in God, you fuckin' Jew," Cartman rolled his eyes.

"Just because-" Kyle began.

• • •

"So, I think we should get you to work out a little, maybe get some better clothing?" Cartman pointed at my yellow shirt, cutting off Kyle.

"W-What's wrong with my clothing?" I asked them. Kyle shrugged but Cartman was shaking his head shamefully. Was something wrong with my shirt and jeans? I thought it looked nice.

"Nothing's wrong, it's just that there's nowhere to go but up," Cartman patted me on the back. Oh.

"Well, uh," I looked around to see her by the slide with a few other girls. I couldn't even tell who they were, nor did I care. After a second of squinting, she looked up to see me. She smiled and waved. I waved back, in shock that she looked up to see me.

"Awe," Kyle cooed.

"Oh, come on, Jimmy! You know she would like you way more if you dressed cooler and stuff, right?" Cartman told me.