C'Mon, Would It Really Be So Bad?

Christmas Part 1

I was on the fence about going to Ed's family's house for Christmas for obvious reasons. But, as if I needed a sign to go, I found out some depressing news.

My parents were getting divorced. My dad had been cheating on my mom and was leaving her for another woman. My mom was devastated. And I was furious at my dad. It was especially horrible because it was right at the holidays.

I asked my mom if she wanted me to come to Nashville to spend Christmas with her. I wanted to make sure she was okay. But she told me she had to work. My little sister was spending Christmas with her close friend. And my dad had already begun to move out. He was spending the holiday with his new girlfriend.

There would be no Christmas this year for my family. I couldn't believe it. It was like my whole life was going to shit all at once. I didn't have Ed and now my family was falling apart. I was completely at a loss. And I was all alone in New York.

I wanted to go to Nashville anyway, even if my mom was working, just to be there for her when she was home. But she wouldn't let me. She wanted me to go have a "family" Christmas with Ed's family. She didn't want to bring me into the depressing environment back home.

I did want to be with a family. Have a normal Christmas. Christmas was my favorite time of the year. I had grown so close to Ed's whole family just by talking on the phone and sending each other gifts. They were literally like my second family. We had already bought each other Christmas presents and they had paid for half of my plane ticket to London. Of course I wanted to go to London. It would just be really hard on me since Ed wouldn't be there.

Well, it might be easier that he wasn't. Or at least less awkward. Ed's family knew we had broken up. They just didn't know all of the details. Which was fine by me. They didn't treat me any different and still wanted to have a relationship with me. Which, I thought was amazing. And I really needed it right now considering the circumstances.

So, I went. I didn't try to contact Ed to tell him. I just did it before I could talk myself out of it. And I was glad I did. I loved London and I felt so comfortable and welcomed into his family's home. It was just what I needed. I baked cookies with his mom, threw back beers with his dad, and played N64 with his brother.

It was all going great until I got a call from my Mom. I assumed it was just to tell me Merry Christmas, but I was wrong. She was crying when I answered. My stomach dropped and I instantly panicked.

She told me that my dad had had a heart attack. She had gotten a call because she was still his emergency contact. No one knew how bad it was, just that he was now at the hospital. Of course my mom was hysterical, but she also didn't know what to do about it.

She didn't know if she should go to the hospital, or call, or do nothing because of what he just did to her. And knowing he was with his new girlfriend. And I didn't know either. I wanted to hate him. We both did. But we also wanted to be there for him.

I broke down. The weight of everything hit me at once. Going through the breakup with Ed, my parents divorcing, my dad cheating, not having my family Christmas, and now this. I wanted to try to put on a front and act like nothing was wrong since I was staying at the Sheeran's.

But I just couldn't help myself. Ed's mom had heard me crying on the phone and when I was done, she approached me and asked what was wrong. And I just spilled everything to her. Like a free therapist. I cried on her shoulder forever.

I wanted to cry to Ed. But I felt like a horrible person for what I did to get back at him. And I also hated him for leaving me and was still mad about the last fight we had. Even though I was in a warm and welcoming house at the moment, I felt so alone in the world. All of this stuff was happening and I felt like I had no one to go through it with me.

I was so upset that Mrs. Sheeran gave me a Xanax to knock me out. Normally I don't take anything like that. But I knew there was no way I could go to sleep without something. It would be Christmas the next day, and I wanted to make sure I was at least able to participate in gift exchanges and breakfast. It was only about 7:30 at night, so I could hopefully pass out and get plenty of sleep. Maybe I would feel a tiny bit better afterwards.

After I took it and she sent me off to bed, I remember laying there, still crying and waiting for it to kick in. I could faintly hear Mrs. Sheeran talking on the phone. She sounded like she was trying to be quiet, speaking hurriedly in a hushed tone. She sounded worried. I tried to eavesdrop, but couldn't really make out anything as I felt my eyes getting heavy and shutting.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up to the smell of smoke. I thought I was dreaming at first, but then panic set in. My eyes shot open and I started looking around. Was there a fire?!

Then I turned my head over on the pillow and saw Ed sitting on a chair by the window. It was dark, but I knew it was him. He had the window open and was smoking a cigarette, blowing the smoke through the screen and just staring out, his knees drawn up to his chest and his arms hugging them.

"Ed?!" I said loudly. Maybe I really was dreaming. He jumped a little and his head quickly turned to me.

"Shh!" He whispered as he quickly put his cigarette out in a plastic cup.

"My mum will kill me if she catches me smoking in here," he continued.

I sat up a little and looked at him. I blinked my eyes a couple times, feeling how swollen they were from crying.

"What are you doing here?" I asked more quietly.

He reached up and quietly pulled the window shut and then turned to look at me again.

"What do you mean? This is my family's house," he chuckled.

I looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was almost 6 in the morning.

"You know what I mean. You said you weren't going to be here for Christmas," I said.

"My mum called me last night. She told me everything that happened. You know, with you and your family. She was worried sick."

"Oh." Crap, I had actually forgotten for the 30 seconds I had been awake. "I thought you had to work though."

"I did," he said simply.

I looked at him, confused. I was still a bit groggy from the Xanax. "You flew all the way back to come check on me?"

"My mum asked me to. She said she thought you might need me." He shrugged, "I thought so too."

Then he got up from his chair and walked over to the bed. He looked down at me in the faint glow of the light coming in from outside.

"Oh sweetheart, your eyes are so swollen."

And then he sat down on the bed and slowly reached out to cup my face. He gently ran a thumb across my cheek as he searched my eyes.

"I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Sam. Are you okay? Talk to me."