C'Mon, Would It Really Be So Bad?

Bad Idea

Instead of answering me, he just looked at me for a moment before he walked over to my hall closet and got out the broom and pan. He started cleaning up the glass on the floor and then stood back up to look at me again.

"Alright, go sit," he motioned towards the couch. "Watch your feet in case I missed any."

I hesitated for a second, possibly regretting what I was about to get myself into, but then I slowly walked over and sat on the couch. I was nervous. I didn't know if I could handle hearing him tell me the reason he didn't want to be with me anymore.

He came and sat on the opposite end and was quiet for moment. I could tell by his face that he was thinking of how to say what he was going to say. He took a breath and let it out.

"I want you to let me explain and really listen to me. Don't interrupt me or argue with what I say. You need to trust me that I'm telling you the truth, okay?"

He looked sternly at me. I nodded.

"I got scared. Nervous. Partly because we were both traveling so much and having communication issues. Considering what we both do for living, we can't fall out of communication. We have to be able to always keep it consistent, or else it'll never work. And I felt like we weren't doing that. I felt like we were just drifting apart. And as silly and little as it sounds, the other part was because of the whole wedding thing. I tried not to let it get to me, but it really got under my skin that you refused to go because of James. I can't tolerate my significant other not getting along with my long time friends. You didn't even make an effort to try. My friends are the most important thing to me. I felt like you were trying to make me chose between him and you."

"No, I wasn't - "

He help up a hand. "Sam," he said in a warning voice.

"Sorry," I nodded, remembering what he said.

He continued, "I guess it was just the timing of everything. Those issues were there and fresh on my mind while the wedding was happening. So, it scared me. You and I have talked about marriage and kids, and then when we started having issues, it made me think. I couldn't help but picture our future like James's. I thought, what if we did get married and have children? Would our problems get better or worse? Would we go down that road only to end up ending things later? It would kill me to go through a divorce with you. Or to raise a child separately..."

He kind of just trailed off. I was too nervous to say anything without him telling me it was okay. So I just waited.

"And now this. I can't believe you would try to have sex with one of my friends just to get revenge on me. It's like I don't even know who you are anymore. The Sam I fell in love with would never do something like that. Or so I thought...You didn't even try to talk to me about what you heard from other people. I mean, is this how it would be from now on? Believing everything you hear? Not coming to me with issues? Doing...fucking horrible things whenever you're hurt?"

"No," I couldn't stay quiet any longer. I had let him say his piece. "God, no. I was an idiot for doing that. I would never do anything like that again." I waited for a second. "Do you believe me?"

He stayed still and then looked up at me. "No. I mean, I don't know. I never even thought you were capable of that in the first place."

"Do you believe me that I didn't actually sleep with him?"

He let out a breath. "I don't know, Sam. Maybe I should talk to him."

"Do it. Talk to him. He'll tell you," I was confidant.

"Do you believe me that I didn't sleep with that girl?"

"I don't know," I shook my head honestly.

He laughed a bitter little laugh. "Right. So neither of us trust each other and aren't who we thought we were."

"Ed, I've never done anything remotely close to this before. I've never even thought about it. But with you, I was so hurt. I felt like I was backed into a corner and helpless and just completely lost myself when you left. I've never felt like that before with anyone. Because I'm...I'm in love with you."

He looked at me. Of course we had told each other we loved each other before. As friends. When we were dating we had said it kind of in passing or jokingly like "That's why I love you" or "You ordered pizza? I love you!" But it had never been in serious context. Neither of us had actually sat the other person down and said "I love you." We certainly hadn't said we were in love with each other. But he had said it earlier in this discussion and now I had said it. But by the way he was just looking at me and not responding, I thought I should remind him that he had said it first.

"You just said you had fallen in love with me earlier," I said quietly.

He averted his eyes and shook his head. "Yeah. I thought I had. But I'm not so sure anymore."

With that, he got up and walked down my hallway and into my room. I immediately stood up to go after him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting my stuff. Some clothes I still have here."

"So, what? That's it then?"

"Seems pretty obvious," he said flatly.

"We were best friends for years. You broke up my engagement by telling me you wanted to be with me so badly, you were relentless and wouldn't take no for answer until I finally agreed to it, even though I said it was a bad idea, and then we try it for only 6 months before you leave me. You're okay with that? All of this was just for 6 months of time together?"

He stopped what he was doing and threw a pile of shirts down on the ground. "I didn't break up your engagement. That was your choice. I'm so sorry for telling you how I felt. I guess I was a fucking idiot and wrong about everything."

"Because now you're terrified if we continue this that I'll go fuck all of your friends?"

"And you're terrified I'll leave you again and go rebound into something more serious. Am I wrong?"

He glared at me, waiting to hear my answer. Because he knew what it was going to be. He couldn't wait to hear that he was right. I didn't give him that satisfaction. I just barely nodded my head and turned to walk back out into my living room.

A couple of minutes later, he came back out with his hands full of clothes. He walked into my kitchen and grabbed a plastic bag and started stuffing them in. When he was done, he put both of his hands flat out on the counter and looked over to me.

"Oh, and you can feel free to still go to my parents' for Christmas next month. They're actually dying to see you. I haven't told them about you stomping on my heart yet. And don't worry, I won't be there. I'm going to be working."

Shit, I forgot about that. I had already gotten my plane ticket and everything. I had been talking to Ed's mom a lot, planning everything out. She was excited to see me for whatever reason.

I didn't say anything. Ed looked around my apartment one more time and then grabbed his bag of clothes and headed towards the door.

"Bye, Sam. Sorry about your wall."

I jumped up and followed him, slamming the door shut behind him.

"I knew this whole thing was a bad fucking idea!" I shouted to him through the closed door.