C'Mon, Would It Really Be So Bad?

Truce

Once we got to the bar though, Ed and I avoided each other like the plague. We had no intentions of "catching up." 

We were both trying to have fun with our friends while simultaneously trying to ignore each other from opposite sides of the table. I felt so tense and awkward that I started slamming shots back to back in order to get shitfaced as fast as possible. Then I could relax and I would forget that he was even here. Even though it was a pretty small dive bar and there weren't many places I could go where I didn't have a clear view of Ed. Even if I wasn't looking in his direction, I could see his fucking bright orange hair out of the corner of my eye. So I was always aware of where he was. 

I was clinging to Shawn's side as much as I could so Ed would be less likely to approach me and so I could try to harass him into leaving early. I could tell that he was not wanting to leave any time soon though because he hadn't seen these friends of his in years. I felt bad about nagging him to death because I could see he was having so much fun, but I was being completely selfish.

Getting him to stop a conversation normally is a challenge...when he's drinking, it's absolutely impossible. I was about to just get a cab for myself so he didn't have to leave early too. He pouted for a second but then told me to go home if I wanted to and that he would find a ride with someone later. He kissed me and told me he'd even bring a pizza home. I stepped out onto the bar's little patio to look up numbers and rates for nearby cab companies. 

I was the only one out there and when I heard the door open behind me, I was instantly annoyed that my peace and quiet was ruined. 

"Can I talk to you?" I looked up from my phone to confirm in my tipsy mind that it was actually really Ed coming outside. Even though I would recognize that voice anywhere. 

I shook my head in disbelief, "You've got a lot of nerve coming out here."

"I'm sorry." I didn't know if he meant he was sorry for coming outside or sorry in general for everything. I crossed my arms and glared at him in question. He cleared his throat and started again. "I'm sorry things got weird after tour and we didn't end up seeing each other." 

"Yeah." I said it as shitty as possible. "It's bullshit."

"I know. I was in a weird place. I started drinking too much again and still felt fucked up over the whole Rebecca cheating thing and...and, I don't know."

I scoffed. "So are you trying to say that you didn't really mean it when you said you'd call me and we'd figure out a way to see each other? That whole thing right before I left was...just you being fucked up over your ex still?"

"What?? No, not at all. Um, let me start over." He walked over to one of the tables and gestured to the second chair, inviting me to sit down across from him. "Please."

I rolled my eyes and went to sit down. I couldn't help it. He patted at his pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He asked if I would mind and I didn't so he lit up, took a long drag and then tilted his head back to blow the smoke straight up into the air. 

"Okay," he took a deep breath. "What I meant was that I was just struggling in this bad place at the time. It wasn't just because of my ex or any one thing in particular...I was just - burned out, I guess? I felt so burned out in general. I knew that I was in no shape to give any effort or focus into -" he gestured between us - "whatever this was. With us living so far away from each other it would have been...difficult. Complicated. Frustrating. I mean, right? You even said yourself that you didn't want to get attached."

"Yeah. And you ignored me and did what you wanted anyway. Like...you can't just start that on my last night of tour and then just never talk to me again."