C'Mon, Would It Really Be So Bad?

Yes

We fell asleep cuddled up on my couch together for about an hour or so. Ed probably would have slept longer if I hadn't gotten up. I tried my best to keep sleeping but my mind wouldn't shut off. I hate that about myself. I can never seem to just go with the flow and not worry about all of the details when something happens. Like finally sleeping with my best friend. 

As soon as I moved to get out from under his arm, his eyes opened. They were still heavy with sleep. He looked like he was the most content dude in the world. I thought about telling him to just go back to sleep, but of course I couldn't. I had to start in on my nervous ranting. 

"You can go. If you want. You don't really have to hang around here all day. I'm sure you have other things to do."

He sat up. "What? No. Are you trying to kick me out?"

"I don't want to be with Shawn anymore but, I still need to process and deal with that."

Ed's mouth turned down at the corners in a frown. His brow furrowed. "Okay..." He clearly didn't know what he was supposed to say.

"Sorry. I just...felt like I should say that. Right?" He just kept looking at me. "Should we even talk about this yet or..not?" 

He held his hand palm up, wanting me to take it. "How about we go take that shower?" 

I hesitated but took his hand and laced my fingers in between his. He stood up and I followed his lead as he made his way to the bathroom. I could tell he was still half asleep and his brain wasn't processing anything fully. I struggled to stop myself from asking 100 questions running through my  head. 

We decided on a bath instead of a shower. Almost instantly I was sitting on his lap with my legs crossed behind his back and we were kissing. One of his hands was below the water and touching my inner thigh. He was just barely brushing his fingertips slowly upwards, teasing me and turning me on again. I was determined to talk about what was happening though. 

"What if this ruins our friendship? What if we end up hating each other?"

He rolled his eyes. "What if everything works out perfectly and we end up having the best time of our lives together? What if that?"

"I don't -" His thumb was now touching my most sensitive part and that temporarily shut me up. 

"You don't what?" he whispered against my mouth before kissing me. 

"I don't know if -" I gasped when I felt his fingers suddenly ram inside of me. I closed my eyes and pushed my hips forward to grind against his hand. 

"You're not making a very good case," he chuckled softly. His lips were now at the side of my neck. 

I forced myself to make a rational thought and focus. "Don't you think this is going too fast?"

He stopped what he was doing and took his hand away. He looked at me seriously. "No."

"You're not just saying that because you're influenced by the sex, are you?"

He laughed. "No. I've known you for...how many years now? Before we ever did anything? I know you and I love you. The sex is amazing because it's with you." 

"Well you don't think I should be taking time just for myself for a bit? I just got out of the Shawn thing." 

He cupped the side of my face. "Sam, you can do whatever you want. I would never try to pressure you into anything. We don't HAVE to be in a serious relationship just because we had sex. If you think it's too fast or too much right now, that's fine. But as far as I'm concerned, I'm in this. I'm not going to sleep with anyone else or go out with anyone."

I took a deep breath. "Okay." I lingered for a minute, my mind racing. I wasn't sure what to say to that. "Okay," I repeated again, a little less confidently. 

Another small laugh escaped him. "I can literally hear you thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong."

"You can not," I tried to joke defensively. 

"I've never had a girl try to argue her way out of dating me like this. You act like I'm asking you to rob a bank or something."

I frowned. "Sorry, I know I'm a pain in the ass."

"That's kind of my specialty. I'm good at handling pains in the ass," he smiled. "Plus, it's not like I'm NOT a pain in the ass. You know I can be a real dick. Annoying, selfish, stupid...."

"That's true," I nodded.

"But seriously. Don't you think that this is worth trying? It doesn't have to go any certain way. It's just us. Being together."

It's not that I didn't want to be with Ed. Of course I did. But it scared the shit out of me. 

We had such a good friendship for so long now that it was hard to believe it could stay that good if things changed into being romantic and serious. I didn't want to even risk making things weird or awkward between us. I was worried some things might feel forced. Our friendship had come so naturally, but would dating? What about if we broke up? Would we be able to go back to being best friends? I couldn't imagine hanging around with him and a new girlfriend after being intimate with him. 

I knew I was getting way ahead of myself. Would it always be like this with him? I wanted to be completely secure in a relationship. I couldn't handle always worrying about stuff that may never even happen. Maybe my head and my heart weren't in the right places yet after Shawn. Not being with Shawn anymore was still really new and weird to me. I was still adjusting. I was still sad about it and felt horrible for breaking his heart. 

But it's not like I had gone out and found someone completely new. A total stranger. I really believed that I knew Ed fully and he knew me just as well. He knew all of my secrets, all of my wants, all of my fears. The bond we had was strong and steady. I was completely comfortable with Ed. Could I continue to be if the dynamic of our relationship changed?

It scared me that Ed had literally JUST been seeing someone. I know he said it was nothing and it was only twice, but it somehow felt wrong that her clothes were recently left in his apartment. It hurt my feelings that he was able to just go get another girl and have sex right after he declared his love for me. Is that what he would do if we broke up? I didn't want to have to worry about that. 

I was crazy about him. I always had been whether it was as a friend or more. Every time I saw him it was like that feeling got stronger. I had never felt that way about anyone before. Most people got on my nerves or pissed me off in no time and I was always trying to write them off. I almost didn't want to let myself get any more attached to him than I already was. Part of my brain kept telling me to protect myself and shut it down before it could even start to get serious.

But I listened to the other part. The part that told me this was something way too strong and too real to pass up on. These feelings weren't going to just go away. I had to pursue them. I thought that if Ed and I could be together, it could quite possibly be the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting to date your best friend was something people usually only dreamed about.