Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 8: Misunderstood

Monday morning. Normally it would take ages for me to get up, but today was different. Surprisingly enough I was feeling energized as well, not sure if that was good, because I was also feeling really anxious. But I had to go to school. I had to talk with Frank. I needed to tell him how I felt. Hopefully he would understand, well, I'm sure, he will.

I could see Gerard and Mikey walk down the road. I started running so we could go together. "Hi!", I said short of breath. They turned around, surprised of me suddenly appearing behind them. Gerard instantly smiled. "Hey Tess! How are you doing?", he asked and let me walk between the two of them. "I'm fine. It was a nice night by the way! I don't think, I ever thanked you for inviting me." I looked Gerard in his eyes, and I could see, how he got so happy and excited. "You're welcome", he said and laid a warm hand on my shoulder for a couple of seconds. It was like his hand was electric, sending small lightnings into my skin.

Frank didn't show up to the first two lessons, and I was getting really nervous. Gerard, Ray, Mikey and me sat under the tree as always. We had a short break before the next lessons, so we were just chilling. But I couldn't relax. I didn't know if Frank was okay or not. And I needed to know. If Frank was hurt, it must have been because of me, and I couldn't handle that. I got sweaty palms, began shaking and was close to crying. Gerard noticed it. "Uhm, are you okay?" I shook my head. "What's wrong? Hey, you can tell me", Gerard said and moved right next to me. "No, I can't. I can't tell you", I mumbled and stood up. My eyes were watering, and I had to get away from there.

I ran inside the school and strolled around in the hallways. Lots of people were around, so if the guys were looking for me, then they wouldn't be able to find me. Not easily, anyway. I walked around, unclear sight and I was starting to get dizzy. I sat down on a bench and closed my eyes for a moment. "Tess?", Ray called from somewhere kind of close. I opened my eyes and Ray ran over to me. He stopped and sat down next to me, laying an arm around my shoulders.

"What is this about?", he said in a low voice. "Frank was waiting for me when I came home yesterday", I said, starting to sob. "What happened?", Ray asked and held me close. "We talked for a bit, I went inside to get his jacket, which he left Friday night, or well, Saturday morning. But when I came out again, Frank was gone." Ray looked worried. Probably because of Frank's disappearing. "And so? I'm sure, he's fine. Don't feel guilty like this. He's fine, he's Frank!", Ray said and laughed nervously.

Gerard and Mikey came over to Ray and me few seconds later. Gerard looked worried, but Mikey just kinda looked scared. He wasn't used to see people crying, I don't think so. Gerard looked at me, and I could see he wanted to be in Ray's place. Ray was still hugging me, whispering "Frank is fine", and that I should calm down. After all, we had class in few minutes, and I would regret coming into class crying.

Together we walked down to the classrooms, side by side, like a marching band or a group of gangsters. Nobody said anything, so it surprised us all, when an energetic, low, way too happy person attacked us from behind. Frank squeezed himself through Mikey and Ray, and then he just walked normally among us. "Hey", he said and chuckled. I was stunned. What the fuck? Disappears, and then he just appears like this?! It was not the time for being mad now though. Might as well tell him what I had to say now. Right now.

The other boys didn't really say anything to Frank. So I could. But I couldn't say it in front of them. "Frank?", I asked with a questioning voice. "Yeah?", he said in a nervous tone, which he tried to cover up with an emotionless face. "Can I talk with you for a moment?", I asked and stared at the blank floor. I could feel how the guys looked at each other with confusion. "Ehm, sure...", Frank said in a low voice. We stopped up, and Mikey, Ray and Gerard continued walking to class. They all threw a glance over their shoulders, trying to seem normal. They failed. They knew something was happening, and Frank and I also knew that.

I laid a hand on Frank's shoulder and pulled him to the side of the hallway. He leant against the lockers for a few seconds, trying to seem cool. He regretted it and stood normally, but he seemed awkward. "Okay, so I need to tell you something", I said in a serious voice.

Frank looked nervous, and I could see mixed up feelings sparkle in his eyes. "I shouldn't have treated you like that yesterday. It was like I didn't show any emotions, and I hope you understand my feelings. I have been really confused since Friday night, and yeah..." I stopped for a moment to really look him in the eyes. Something had changed. He smiled, an excited expression was printed on his face. His eyes were clearly happy, happier than after the kiss. Did he feel the same way? "I, eh...", I continued, but I didn't know what to say. Instead, Frank laid his hands on my shoulders and said: "I'm just really happy that you're saying this. I wanted to ask you something, and well, I've also been a bit confused since Friday, hah..." He looked down for a second, then his head popped up again, he looked me in the eyes and asked: "Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

What? Didn't I show, didn't I say, I didn't like him? Or, no, why did he have to stop me while I was talking? Oh no... Now he thinks, I like him. But now I know he likes me. A lot, apparently. I tried to remember what I had said. 'Mixed feelings since the kiss', 'understand my feelings'... Yeah, I fucked up. I fucked up really bad. Why didn't I just say it clearly? Why do I have to fail like this? And what do I say now?

I was simply speechless. Just stood there with an open mouth. All the thoughts ran through my head in less than a second, but I still didn't know what to say. I didn't expect this. This wasn't a part of my plan. But things never go as planned. Never. I tried to come up with an answer. I hadn't moved, hadn't breathed, since he asked the question.

I stared him in the eyes, and slowly I saw his smile fade. His cognac-colored eyes became matt, lacklustre. His grip around my shoulders started to get weak. He blinked once and looked down. He took his hands off my shoulders, then awkwardly hugging himself. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. He stared at the lockers with an empty look. "Oh well...", he mumbled.

No. No, no, no, no. I couldn't leave Frank like this. Couldn't take the pain, seeing him so sad, disappointed, hopeless. He's just a boy trying to love someone. The sight was unbearable. Him staring emptily, his hair poking him in the eye, but he didn't seem to notice. Hugged his black clothes, because of course he didn't wear the school uniform. But he hugged himself, probably trying to calm himself down. He just wanted to be loved.

He just wanted to be truly loved for once in his life, goddammit.

I had totally forgot to breathe, and something like thirty seconds had passed. I breathed deeply with a shaking gasping, sounding like someone who just came up from being underwater. But I felt like, I was close to drowning in guilt and other horrible feelings anyway, so it was an appropriate description. Instead of just staring at that poor boy, I blinked rapidly and looked around. This was very awkward, but also very sad in a weird way. I wouldn't reject him. I couldn't do that. I think that's my weakness.

I looked up. Tried to get eye contact. He looked at me, but his empty eyes weren't really empty anymore. His eyes were filled with disappointment, rage, but he wasn't mad at me. He was mad at himself. His face was blank, but if you really looked closely, you could see it in his eyes. I couldn't leave him like this. If he really was mad at himself for asking me, well it shouldn't have been a problem, but for Frank it was. No one knows what Frank would do, if he felt this way. Feeling guilty, sad, mad at himself. And if I rejected him, I would feel the same way.